Today is simply a gorgeous day. Too bad my net connection is being such a total priss.
Driving here (Well, being driven here anyway...) I couldn't help but feel oddly happy. Not euphoric, like two posts down or so, just... Happy. Sustainably so. I feel good, clean, pure and safe. Like bottled water. However, pumping myself full of Yanta isn't helping, allow me to say that.

It's just that time I guess. All the blossums are coming out, for example. The almond tree out the back looks like something from a shojo manga- covered in so many sweet white blossums it looks like it's covered in snow. The pettals around it help that. And the ornamental cherry trees in the area are also blooking. I'm actually happy to think I will walk past them tomorrow on my way to the train station. Yes, tomorow is uni open day, and I intend to approach my Tertiarry education the same way I approach everything else- Mountains of research before I finally make up my mind. Concidering I will probably be a strugling bum most of my life...

But none of that mattes right now, today. I'm not so happy inside- I'm cut off from the air, but computers can't be left outside. It's bad. But it's still there, and that's what's important. I am to understand that I'm not the only one who feels this way- every so often something happens to make you unmistakeably happy.

I have a very vivd memory of me on a bright, springs day. I was going through my wardrobe, checking which clothes still fit and checking to see which ones I could wear with which other ones. The radio was on, playing that song about the poison of summer who's name I don't know. "... I see you walking real slowly, smiling at everyone. I can tell you my love for you will still be strong after the poison of summer has gone." That one. And I was extremly happy. Knowing it's a sudden release of chemicals from certain centers to the brain that caused this state of being doesn't diminish it. Although it pisses me off when that chemical is adrenalin or whatever. I can think back on that and remember being happy. I wonder if that's what nostalgia is- the memory of an emotion. How dreary to exist only in the memory of an emotion. And how safe. The memory of fear can cause you to laugh, or remind you that you used to feel real emotions so strongly they took over your entire body. Some people turn away from it, true- they choose only to hold the good emotions. That's probably very smart.

You know, I can't remember pain? I know it's bad, and that I should avoid it, but I can't conjur up a memory of the way it feels. Do you suppose this is a safety device? I can remember the way my hart feels when I'm nervous or exhausted, but not the way it feels to be cut or pierced or grated or anything like that. Perhaps it's just that I've never been hurt badly enough for the feeling of it to stick in my memory. Perhaps people are just wired to forget physical pain.

Which, all in all, is an odd tangent to go off on when talking about being happy because happiness is in the air. Happiness, the memory of happiness, nostalgia- I'm too young to really know what any of these things are. I imagine when I'm older I'll agree with myself- This is hapiness, and may very well be the only hapiness I find throughout my life. I only hope I am permitted to enjoy it- many do not wish for others to be happy if they cannot bear to be happy themselves. I think Life may be one of these people too- I bet she's never happy. She's probably a temprimental bitch too.

I think tonight I'll treat myself to a nice long bath. I think you should all do the same.

"'Cause we belong in a world that must be strong- that's what dreams are made of."
~Van Halen Dreams

- posted by Washi @ 2:09 pm