Lifestyles of the Emotionally Retarded

Antway, I've finished two of my exams n ow, with two more to go. I was so frikkin tired all throughout the one I had today... And why you may ask, gentle reader? Because I was up untill frikkin 3am crying over the most ridiculous thing(s). I'm a moron, I know - Shtupid washi.

But then I hauled myself out of bed at 10 because I couldn't stand to be there any longer. I threw my self near head-long into study and watched some mind-numbing TV (Jerry springer - 'I'm Sleeping With My Sibling'. May the goddess strain my soul free of that taint...) to stop me thinking and starting to cry again.
The problem was, it was a usually pure memory - a thought I can usually use to keep myself sane in the night that was infected, and I kept returning to it, and it kept poisoning me. But when I went away from it, the old fears started licking their lips. Thereby proving that the only cure for me may be a quick shot of lead to the head ::rolls eyes:: I know, I piss myself of too with my whiney bitching. But I'm worried that i'll go to bed tonight and It'll happen again. Still, I think I'd much rather be crying then afraid. It's a diferent sort of fear - it hurts diferently. That's probably because it's not something I should be afraid of - being attacked on the way home from the bus stop is something that, if a little paranoid, is at least an apropriate fear. This... is not only the single most rediculous and unhealthy thing to react this badly too, but it goes against the very fiber of my religion, and I would have thought a month ago the very fiber of my nature. So my conclusion is I must be sick in some way - but I dont' want to go on about that crap any more. Onto the day.

Liam called a little before 4 to wish me luck. That was really nice ^_^ I felt really good untill i got to the bus stop. The bus came late, as it always does. So instead of getting to the hall by five, like I wanted, I got there about 5:30. Bah. I'll have to get up so bloody early for Java - I think I'm going to die.

Anyway, mu CIT was... not so much bad as not good, I suppose. I should still pass and not have to do that subject again - I'll admit I think I slept through the parts where we talked about some of those things.

Still working on the graphical side of my layout. And loving it still, thankyou for asking. But I have to get started on my commissions, and finish that Lain picture (I'm nearly done) as well as get to work on another AVCon pic and some personal projects. Must... get... FILM! Take photos. AVCON! There we go, that's my excuse. I'll take photoes of what I have to sell, and then I'll eat up the rest of the roll taking photoes at AVCon. But then I'll have to use mum's camera... ah well.

Dani made an excellent point in her blog. That's deep girl, that's just deep. And so young too ^_^! Yes, I'm a total hippy sometimes. So shoot me with your water gun. I'll wear a white t-shirt and we can give the locals a real show. Okay, a small show. Not really much of a show at all... I'll leave that there. I don't have low self image, I have realistic self image.

Speaking of, I'm seriously getting sick of car horns. I don't know these people, so they're not honking the 'hey, remember me' honk. Most of them probably aren't actually honking at ME at all, they just seem to like doing it when they're driving past where I am, usually quite suddenly and designed to scare the life out of me. I got less today then I did yesterday though - either the atmosphere was diferent ot it was the baggy lets-remove-all-traces-of-figure-and-feminity clothing that I love so very very much. Gah. I wonder if I'll be able to do summer - on the one hand, I like showing off my body. For all intents and purposes, it's not all that bad. Plus it's got that spiffy tattoo now. On the other hand, I dislike being looked at. I, like many girls, dress for other girls rather then for boys. Still scared of most of the male population.



be sorted @ target="0">nimbo.net


Sad Pikachu


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Okay, see... While I'm aware that Pikachu's supposed to be sad, that ain't the first thing I though.


Cool! Yer Dio!


What tenacious d song are you?
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You like Yuri


Are you an Anime/Yaoi/Hentai/or.... -Fan ?
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Go figure...


SPIRIT is your chinese symbol!


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"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."
~Samuel Butler

- posted by Washi @ 1:35 am 0 comments

 
Wow... Can't half tell why I was put on the meds for PMS huh? Heh... as always, discount ^_^;;
- posted by Washi @ 12:14 am 0 comments

 
Something's really, really wrong with me - I dont' know what it is, but I think there's something in me that's broken. Like I'm diseased somewhere inside me, and it's eaten away at something I need, something I should be able to deal with that's healthy and good. I'm frightened, but that's not it's soul - it's just a by-product. Either I'm so scared I can't stop crying, or it's the thing that's broken that's making me cry. I shouldn't be crying over this - I should be turned on, or at least distantly interested. Instead I'm sobbing like I'm about to die, and I cant' stop. And I don't want to - I'd like to choke on my tears, drown and be done with it all. What's wrong with me? Why am I so broken? And why, when I'm done here, will I go back and do it again? Why is it chipping away at the very fabric of my soul,when it shouldn't do that at all? Please... what's wrong with me... I know it's something... it has to be. It isn't right, it shouldn't be that way. It goes against my religion, everything I believe - why am I sucgh a lose, such a frikkin MORON! I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I don't know what's wrong with me, I really dont... Please, don't ask. I don't know what I'll say - I don't know how to tell. Please don't...
- posted by Washi @ 10:55 pm 0 comments

 
Nekkid as a Gainax Girl

I'd forgotten how good it was to actually work on a piece digitally - to select the patterns, get the coloures just right, the shading - makign everythingas perfect as possible. I miss that a little, working on things for almost everyone else but me ^_^; But that's not fair, because sometimes working on things for other people is just as fun, especially if you like the person your working for. And they can be just as interestng - I know I had a lot of fun with the floor texture for Shetani's last commish and the wallpaper pattern for another one ^_^

Aim alaive again! Go me!!

nah, quote free. Hand gone numb...
- posted by Washi @ 9:13 pm 0 comments

 
I should be in bed already, but this sort of ammused me... I've never seen Thirteen Ghosts, and I do not want to. But I got the same sign twice, in diferent quizzes. Does the movie provide a good description of the dark zodiac, or is that from a completely diferent booc? Or is it a valid subset of mythology?


You're the Withered Lover!
Withered, that's kind of a gross adjective. But
hey, you're the best ghost out of all of them!


Which One Of The 13 Are You From Thirteen Ghosts?
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- posted by Washi @ 12:40 am 0 comments

 
We Move Like Cajun Tigers

My first exam is in two days. I'm supposed to head over to Zoe's tomorrow for the solstice (This monday), which wierds me out in a way since it's the winter one, where we contemplate death and give each other presents. Or some such. We'll have no yle log nor fir tree, but there may be tea. And I will probably not be able to resist pulling out my lecture notes.
Bah.

Been at Liam's since Thursday - we didn't roleplay, but we did get some videos. I'm currently phenominally tired, but I wanted to get some stuff done. I'm working on a new layound, and I have to finalise some stuff. Anyway - I was listening to this rock balads CD that Liam has, and it was magnificent ^_^! I'm too easily influenced by music, I know. We also watched Boondock Saints and The Emperor's New Groove and several other movies. Much goodness.

He just went offline. But I really do enjoy the time we can spend together, even when we're not doing anything specific. He's wonderful to talk to.

I wonder what specifically I'd have to look up to find oriental patterns...

The look of love is on the radio. That's probably as good a cue to end as any. Sorrt it wasn't terribly interesting. Guess I'm just a boring sort of girl.


"Well I'm a blue-eyed bitch..."
~Wild one, Suzy Quatro.

- posted by Washi @ 11:56 pm 0 comments

 
Warning! This post does contain the graphic depiction of mastrabatory toolsOo, I feel all legal now...



Your MONKEY DAEMON represents a nature that is
admired, detail-oriented, and full of
curiosity. Some people might call you self-
absorbed. You like to plan ahead, and hone your
various talents to perfection.


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The Withered Lover


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My personality is rated 20.What is yours?
Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest...Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.

quiz by midgetfarm.com


If variety is the spice of life...:

Shiny and Pink!



What kind of dildo are you?
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Otherwise... (Just because I was curious):

Flexible!


What kind of dildo are you?
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Oh god, how perfectly teen angst...

The Tradegy...


Whats your story?
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I didn't get Bother, which is a bummer - but this does seem more accurate.

Perfect, Simple Plan.


Whats Your Suicide Ballad?
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Oh god help me...

Snow White


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I'm not sure of the validity of this, as they mostly asked questions reguarding my feelings - but this is how I am so... Nyah?

Truly, Madly, Deeply...


What kind of love are you in?
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Go figure - With my answers, I really though I'd get the Angel of Wisdom or somesuch... I only answered a love-related answer once. On the other hand, I am showing more skin...

Angel of Love.


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- posted by Washi @ 11:35 pm 0 comments

 
Take It All!

So sayeth the slogan for the Take 40 Album.

I had a talk with my mother in the car today. She hadn't seen me since thursday morning, and when she found out I was with Ledi and went to pick me up, she went to Ledi's place. I was at the club though, as I told her when she called. Ah well, I got to see Final Flight of the Osirus.

Anyway, While driving home mum asked me if... wait for it... if I could possibly make money off of this gaming thing. Once I got over the shock of this question, I told her, flat out, that no I couldn't. She said "Oh. Because it seems to take up a lot of your time." That would... what, otherwise be spent drawing? She then asked if there was any actual acting involved. She tried to make the question seem less offencive "I mean, I know there's a lot of writing stuff..." Table-top, I supplied. I then went on to explain that there was a little in my table top games, but a lot more in Benighted. I told her that it was almost all acting, and mentioned the concept of the 'Minds Eye Theatre'. She then asked me if it took a lot of time to learn the lines. I statred into space for a moment, confused. I said that I didn't learn any lines. She then asked "Oh, is it a lot of reading then?" Finally, I clicked with what she was asking me - she thought we had scripts to follow. I finally filled her in that it was more like an 'impromptu' theatre. We didn't have scripts, we just had a character to play and we moved from there. I didn't bother explaining the idea and intrigue. She then began inquiring about the range of ages and the ammount of people who participated, and then asked if it was seen anywhere. I, of course, told her no. She asked why, and I told her 'because it's a game.' She replied with "Oh, okay. So how do you win?" I'm sure I'd had this part of the conversation with her before, but I tell her that it's not really something you can win. She asked "So how do you lose then?" I told her you didn't really lose either, unless I supposed your character was killed. She then asked if that meant you wern't alowd to play anymore, so I informed her that no, it meant you had to make a new character if you wanted to keep playing though.

These things are always fun to explain. Especially to someone like my mother who, like many, doesn't see the point in a game you can't win.

Speaking of games you can't win, my brother got The Sims for X-box. Seems pretty cool. Sims - the voyeristic simulation. How cool.

I'm wearing nailpolish that could blind you at 30 paces. But only on one finger.

I do wish mum would stop asking me if I can make money out of everything I do. I don't want the sole motevation for anything and everythnig I do to be how much money I can make. I want to be able to have some fun and be happy. I want to be safe too, but I guess that's also impossible. ::Sigh:: I just wish she'd stop asking me 'and how will this help your future career?' 'are you getting paid for this?' 'will you be making money off of it?' GAH!

Lucky Iduna - Question three ::Whistles:: (Yeah, I just got you email :P I'm so childish).

Okay, I'll leave it there for now.



"A man recovers best from his exceptional nature--his intellectuality--by giving his animal instincts a chance."
~Friedrich Nietzsche
- posted by Washi @ 9:26 pm 0 comments

 
Amoment of Deviation Amidst the Stench of Dope - Short Unnamed Story Post

Dawn was creeping over the skyline in the east, a distant fire struggling through the thick fog that choked the city in its early hours. Dew bathed the sickly grass below with thousands of tiny, frosty diamonds that disappeared when touched like so much fairy dust. They gathered on the dead rose bushes that had once adorned this site, but now provided little more then kindling.

The cemetery took on its own eerie light at this time in the morning, Bran pondered. It was always comforting to him to see the large marble monuments to the existence of those who could still afford to be left here. Or perhaps to their non-existence – he’d always liked that idea best. A monument to there demise, as though it were some grand or memorable event to be remembered forever. His favourite spot was below the crucifix, on the stone sarcophagus it watched over. Mrs H J Adding’s crumbling crucifix rose above the lower tombstones surrounding it – almost all a uniform arc shape. The blank face of the dying man was one of the first things Bran could remember. Somewhere behind him, beyond the rows of monuments was the great angel of Anna Maine – Great grand-mother at her death. She had a face, unlike the man on the crucifix. She looked as though she were crying. He could see her clearly from here, her hands raised towards the lightening sky. On one hand, a black bird rested. It regarded bran with its red eyes, tilting its head occasionally as though questioning his presence. They always did that.

Sighing, Bran stood up and shook the dew out of his hair. He shivered in the morning cold, his clothing soaked through. His own cross, suspended from a chain attached to a collar around his neck, swung with the change of movement to catch the morning light on its smooth, metallic surface. The bird’s eyes followed it, and it was joined by a companion, who took up roost on Anna’s Angel’s head.

Bran was trying to work out the cramps he’d developed over the night when he heard a sound behind him. The soft thud of footfalls rang through the silent graveyard, as the birds took flight with fear. Turning sullen, he waited for the inevitable.

A towel flew through the air to impact with his head. He struggled for a moment to pull it off before turning sullenly to look behind him.

A man watched him, grey eyes impassive. He wore a large windcheater, and the bottoms of his pants were soaked with dew. Sighing, Bran started to dry himself off.

“Why is it always this particular grave?” The man asked. Bran didn’t answer. “Is it because of her?” He motioned the stone Bran sat on.

“No,” Bran replied quickly. The man, a groundskeeper perhaps – Bran had never asked exactly what his job here was – tended to jump to conclusions like that. “It isn’t her. It’s him,” Bran made a vague motion behind him to the faceless crucifix. “And her,” He pointed to the angel. There was a moment of silence. Bran turned to the man, wondering what he was going to say.

He was staring absently at the church. “Have you gone in there lately?” He asked. Bran shook his head.

“Not really religious.” He said. He wasn’t sure really. He didn’t feel religious, but he felt drawn to all its symbolism. He never knew why. Just another part of himself that was hidden from him somewhere behind the fog of his own mind. Another length of silence followed.

“It happened again, didn’t it. That’s why you’re here.” The groundskeeper said, not taking his eyes from the churches spires. Bran looked down, embarrassed before noticing that, if you knew the signs, it was obvious. His hands were full of puncture wounds that had only just begun to heal, his clothing was torn a little in places – barely enough to notice. His sleeve still had a long, sharp thorn stuck through the cloth like a darning needle. Bran sighed.

“Don’t tell her yet.” He said quietly. The groundskeeper turned away from the church to regard Bran, thinking not for the first time that he may be as young as he actually appeared. He knew who ‘she’ was, of course. They both belonged to her, in a sense.

“I won’t.” He conceded. “But that doesn’t mean she don’t know already.”
Bran was silent.

“The father arrives at about 9. If you want, I’m sure he’d like to see you again.”

“No.” Bran shook his head. “I should go home.” He slid off the stone. “Besides, I have a whole new filing system to break.” He forced a smile and handed the man the towel. “Thank you.”

The man waved it off. “Hey, you come here more then a lot of the mourners do. A familiar face from the fold is always welcome.”

He always said that. Bran was never sure why. He suspected of course, and he had heard the talk. But it was hard to picture…

Bran headed off to the only home he had. He wondered briefly how this would be fixed up this time.

’When you buy an attack dog, you have to expect that it will bite people.’ She always said that…



- posted by Washi @ 2:27 pm 0 comments

 
Go forth, bug man!

Doing... Well... Exams... Will destroy... Me...

Just checking my scores for my lasr tound of tests - Especially for my Tech Comm componant, since I sincerely doubt my ability to pass my Data test. I'm not doing too bad - I got full marks for my last two assignments (Although the last one is still up for negotiation, as it is 30% of my marks). Gah.

Creepy is talkin' to me...

I don't mind people talking to me, but I'm very sensitive to the way I'm being spoken to - and if I do't like it, the iron gates are well and truely up.

Anyway, I'm done now. So to speak. Got pagans tonight. And I got money to buy Zoe a drink like I promised. Seeya.
- posted by Washi @ 2:01 pm 0 comments

 
S is for Sucks

It sure is Gemima.

Okay, I believe I've just finished all my assignments for the semester. From here on it, it's all revision for lectures. Just killin' time untill my tutor gets here.

Liam picked me up around 12:30 monday morning and bought me over to his place for what was left of the night and a meal later that day. I got roast dinner and met another Erin, so all is cool ja? ^_^ Unfortunantly, my brother came home while I was out. He forgot his keys and had caught a cold, and since I wasn't there to let him in and Mum was with Manny, he had to find his own way in. He looked pretty ill when I saw him this morning. Actually, he looked really creepy when I went in to check on him last night - sort of like a burns victim who'd just had a skin graft or some such, and his voice was all hoarse and evil and stuff. Rather unplesant. At least mum didn't have a go at me for skipping out.

I better watch my tutor - I should catch his attention when he stands up...

He walked right past me... Bah him! Bah him to heck!

The lesson is drawing to a close, adn I STILL don't know if I'm supposed to show him this or what. I wonder if I've done it right? I caught up with Peter in the Computer Barn, and he told me how he'd done his work and given me a link to someone else who had done it the same way, so that I could see an example. Peter, you totally rock. Thankfully, my tutor did try to send me the mail, but Peter actually showed me how to do it without the use of Java script, as well as telling me it'd be dificult do do it the way my tutor suggested. Ya think? So Thankyou to Peter: the only felow student who could give me a strait answer.

Death before dishonor. But neither before breakfast.

These people all seem to need help - maybe I'm not supposed to show him what I got? I'm hungry...

"Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand"
~Coca-cola slogan, 1969.
- posted by Washi @ 3:13 pm 0 comments

 
I watched Jesus Christ Super Star. I'm only telling you to see if that somehow magically fixes blogger.
- posted by Washi @ 3:29 pm 0 comments

 
Dallas Crane on the Radio and Two Mix Waiting at the Wings'

Wow. Blogger had an uber re-design. I wonder what it's done to my layout...

Okay, onwards! My weekend. Well, I was dropped off at Lauren's around six, and was one of the first people there. The first thing I did was have a shot of Vodka. I think that set the scene. I didn't really drink that much, as I appear to have lost all tolerance to alchohol I may once have had. One shot and I was tipsy, a Midori and Solo later and I was definitely drunk. A can of whisky and cola had me throwing up and sober for the rest of the night ::rolls eyes:: Which wasn't a bad thing, because I was dancing whenever possible in any case. Zoe turned on her 'party animal' mode, and Lauren continued to play out the soap-opera that is her life. Ledi sat inside because she doesn't like loud noises. She didn't show up untill around nine - Tod was trying to fox her compter. He crashed the night at her place and continued to fix it yesterday morning. That's the cool thing about Chris - he's willing to get up and dance. I missed out on the yellow submarine circle though, which was a bummer. And since I didn't have to asociate with the boring people, all went well (Except for ledi being upset with zoe and I because she'd been sitting inside crying for x ammount of time and no one had come to see her. I think zoe said it best when she said 'Well, I was outside'). Apparently, her mothers favorite song was playing and it upset her. Fair enough.

Anyway, a lot of dancing and talking and suchforth. Liam arrived about midnight, which was cool because I got to introduce him to Zoe and he danced with me and had cake. I gots to show off what a cool guy I gots ^_^ I hope he enjoyed himself. Zoe seemed surprised by him - he was older and better looking then she'd expected. I suppose that speaks volumes about me. I'm amazed Lauren even remembered, she'd been drinking so steadilly throughout the night. But she has a good tolerance for booze.

The next evening I walked over to Zoe's. Very scary, since I walked over at six and it was dark and imposing and phenominally industrial. I didn't want to ask Ledi for a lift thoguh - I find myself incerasingly reluctant to spend time with her. I know, bad washi. I asked her to bring my sleeping bag and pillow over, sicne I left it at her place last time I spent the night and haven't goten it back (I walked home, so I couldn't bring it home) and she sounded very reluctant about it, as though it might be dificult so - fair enough. I drank very little at Zoe's too - She had some home-made stuff that we drunk with cola and I bought some wine, so that was fairly good. We did tarot readings. Mine told me to stop reacting to things now as though nothing had changed, and that I had friends. It also told me that although I'd had troubles before, they were finished now and I had to realise that. And a lot of other stuff, it's all written down somewhere.

Lauren was depressed about some events that occured at her party - every so often she'd wail 'Zoe!' and fall against her. I probably shouldn't go into it though - suffice to say it involves a boy she really shouldn't be trying to get with and a guy who'se quite a bit older then her who she's now worried she's stuffed up with. A fairly constant drama in Lauren's life, and one that I have to admit, with my emorionally retarded nature and complete lack of desire to pursue anyone I like actively, I hardly understand. Ledi almost seemed offended by it, but I think she just resents the idea of anyone else having a reason to be depressed. She spent the night drawing dark and depressive pictures or writing self-abbusive psycho babble at the kitchen table. I knew exactly what she was doing - she does it all the time in public places. I think it's because she hopes that someone will read what she''s writing and try to do something about it - I used to be much the same with my crying, although I think a part of me really hoped that no one would come. I just wanted to go over thre and slap her. I was tired, so my thought patterns got progressively more violent from there.

I wanted to talk to Zoe and Lauren about the crying thing - at least one of them may have had something similar, so they might be able to give me some tips. And they're always having a go at me for not telling them things in any case. But I didn't want to do it while Ledi was there because, y'know, the whole resentment thing. But once she left we all went to bed and fell asleep.

Lauren left early the next day. She was asking me all night the night before if I was okay. I would have liked to say 'no, not really', but then I would have had to explain and that could have gotten messy. Lauren's cool to talk to though, when she's not talking herself. And when she is talking, it's less effort needed on my part. I told her I was thinking, and she accepted that without prying (for about an hour, before she asked again). Zoe asked me about Liam the next morning - she's met him now, so I suppose she can be honnestly curious. Things like when his birthday is (She was pleased to hear he was a Virgo. According to her, Virgos can communicate better with each other. I think the universe is trying to tell me something...) She also gave me a tip - communicate with him. She knows me too well methinks.

I know I don't communicate very well. I've often sat there, thinking to myself 'I have to tell him...' whatever it is that's on my mind. But I never do - or I just can't. Sometimes it's that there's never really an opening - I don't want to say anything out of the blue (much the way I am with my friends), but even when I have an opening, I back away. Like when Lauren asked me if I was alright - I think even if Ledi wern't there I would have struggled to speak. I don't know how to tell people what's wrong, even when I have a vague idea, because everything that comes out of my mought just sounds so... trivial. How do you tell a guy that you feel you need some sort of... proof your there? See how strange that sounds? Or that they quieten the voices - how do you explain it so that it doesn't sound trivial or abstract? I open my mouth to speak, and nothing comes out. Even things that aren't realy personal, just... something I'm unsure about, or when I'm afraid I'm asking too much and needing more then I have any right to. I know I'm rather high-maintainance - I need too much just to keep me feeling like I have any right to matter, and I doubt anything will quieten the voices that prey on my mind when I'm left alone. To try to explain the way I think is almost insurmountable, so I'll just back away and let it lie, even if someone asks me directly what's wrong, and I want to tell them something, if not the whole truth. I know it's not healthy - I'd like to be told when something's wrong with him, on the off chance that I can help in some way. It's always possible that other people want the same from me, and I know it's not fair that I can't give them that. But on the other hand, I know that they've got problems of their own. They don't want to hear about mine, not when their family is dying or they're being strangeld by their lives. Everyone's got problems, everyone feels that they're drowning, and people who think they're the only ones who feel that way are self-delusional. Who needs my hangups and inhibitions placed upon them? I know I've grown weary from dealing with Ledi's. That's why I used to bitch about superficial things to my friends - Jan, Alexandra, Manny - so at least I was trying to tell them some of the issues in my life. And they could say 'Man, that sucks' and give me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and it was all okay. I told them my problems, and they didn't have to think about them again. For a while, they were my only real problems, os there was really no dramas, so all was well and such forth.

I reemmber when I was younger I could never talk to my parents. Not about how I felt, because they'd always interupt me when I spoke - After all, I'm just a child, what do I know? And they'd always try to defend themselves, justify themselves as though it was what I thought and felt that was invalid. Older people tend to do that though, so I can't blame them. I could only talk to them properly by writing them letters. I would write down what I wanted to say to them as a letter and leave it on the table. The only problem with that was that they'd always come to me afterwards and want to talk, and it went the same as before - justification, nullification. I think that fades as you get older - mum started crying ebcause I couldn't tell her what was wrong with me, and I wonder if she would have tried to nullify it if I had been somehow able to?

Ugh, feel the teen angst. I know, how pathetic. But that's why I'm such an avid blog writer. I can express myself better in text, to an impassive or 'impersonal' audience then I can to a specific person. Maybe some people I know, even people to whoom things I've written apply, will read this blog but I try not to think about that and just write what I think and feel. So to speak, anyway. Besides, I don't write anything here I wouldn't want to tell them if they asked me about it. I've often said I'm free for all, more or less. Ask me a question, and I will answer it (Unless it's something really abstract like 'what's wrong?') if I'm able. Or I may not answer at all, because I don't want to lie and say 'nothing' or 'no' and nothing is easier then trying to explain it all.

Maybe I'm just lazy.


"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye."
~Samuel Grafton, speaking words so true as to make your ears twitch. Another lesson I should learn.


- posted by Washi @ 2:28 pm 0 comments

 
Digital frustration

Mein got these chairs are uncomfortable...

This e-shop form is really pissing me off. No one else I've asked can tell me what I'm supposed to do, and it seems to me that everyone EXCEPT me has worked out some way to do it using Java script, and I'm clearly just not getting it. What irritates me is that nowhere in the tutorials that I can find is it listed how to do this.

My screen flickers when the guy next to me turns his screen on and off.

I get to see Liam tonight. I'm looking forwards to that, even if I end up with cartons and bottles thrown at me. I want a hug -_-. Gah, lame washi.

I've got Lauren's party tomorrow. I have yet to work out what I'll wear... probably asmuch as possible. But then again, I will be drinking Vodka, and that DOES tend to wam you up pretty well. I think it'll be fun - Lauren's nothing if not a good partyer. And Zoe fully intends to get drunk, so good on her. Ledi will most probably leave by midnight, which will probably mean that she'll be gone before Liam gets there, provided he's not too tired to turn up after Friday ^_^;

I'm hungry. I wonder if I can splurge on a chocolate bar or a bucket of ships or something...

I'd like to apologise for the message below. I know I should probably delete it, but I try not to delete posts once they've been made. This blog is part of the 'Free Too-Much-Information service - Subject: Washi' and deleting it is a little like erasing it. Besides, if it hapens again, I have my message to tell myself what I SHOULD be doing :Þ

Remeniscing time!

I remember when I was yong - not too young, since I'm almost positive it occured after my parent's devorce, My father took my brother and I to the markets to get mothers day presents for my mother. My brother and I both got her magnets that had things like 'best mum ever' embroydered on them, as young children get their mothrs. My brothers still sits on the fridge. Mine, does not. This is because I put the bag down somewhere along the way and neglected to pick it up again. By the time I realised my hands were empty when they shouldn't have been, we couldn't find it anywhere. My father looked for it, but he couldn't find it. I think he was upset or something, because I heard him say 'well that was a waste of money'.
So what does this have to do with anything? Walking through the living room one day, I noticed that mum had left the television on, and that Oprah was playing. for someone who bitches at me for putting the little heater on out in the rumpus room to keep warm, she sure uses a lot of electricity herself. In any case, some marriage councilor was going on about how all your problems can be related to your childhood. I'd long ago sat down and tried to work out exactly why I felt so uncomfortable with people buying me things (After I had a small argument with Nikk, who wanted to buy me a small Tigger toy as a gift while I tried to tell him that I didn't want him to). That was the incident that came up - not so much the losing of the magnet, but the being a waste of money part. I know now that, although my father wasn't doing too well at that stage, it was only two dollars. But then, two dollars was more money then I might see in a week. I felt so awful that I'd been a waste of something I knew was an important resource (How I knew I don't know - maybe my parent's used to argue about money or something). That's the first time I can remember being upset that someone had bought me something. That's why I always try to stop it if I can - because I NOW I'm not worth the money that could be better spent on themselves. And if it's something that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to use, such as the Tigger toy, it feels even worse - like I'm stealing from them perhaps. The episode reminded me of that, as well as reminding me of why I stopped writing. But the writing is more of a physical thing - the old 'I'm never playing cess again.' The byuing stuff thing is more of an issue. I can stand it on irthdays, because that's tradition and I know that people feel good to see their birthday gifts well recieved, even if they can't thingk of anytihing really useful to give you. It's okay to recieve pretty things on your birthday, or at christmas where an exchange can be made in the spirit of the comercialism (Or not in my case, since I tend to be broke and draw things for people for these events). But I feel ill when people give me gifts out of the blue. I mean, I know why they do - I know why do it. Because it makes me feel good to give something to someone I love, especially since I'm so bad with words so actions are the only ways I can find to at least try to tell them. But it feels wrong to me to take something from someone, even when it's given to me freely, because I feel like they shouldn't be giving me anything and I have no right to let them try. And I think the root of it is that I feel I'm not worth what they've put into it - not worth the sacrifice of something they can have for themselves, however small, on their part. I think I have money issues. ::chuckle:: I remember, in my youthful childish thoughts of suicide, I once ratonalised that I shouldn't off myself because then my parent's would have wasted all those resources they've put into me - and they'd have gotten nothing in return. Even though I know I'm not worth what they've put into me, I have to keep trying in the hopes that maybe, one day, I will be. It's also the reason why I try to eat every scrap of food thats given to me - I don't think I should have been given so much, but to throw it away would be somehow wrong. At least now I have a dog.
I think it can be worn down however - I tried so hard to convince mum not to ask dad to help pay for my text books next semester without actually defying her (She thinks it's wrong that Travis gets to go to Melborne with dad and gets his driving lessons paid for and I get nothing. Try telling her that I don't like football and I don't get driving lessons), but when mum offers me stuff I'm a little less reluctant to take it. It's because of mum's compulsive gift-giving thing (Which she, thankfully, doesn't do any more.) in which she, for no real reason, would buy me a magazine or a top she saw on special when she was out shopping. A part of that is that I wasn't there to stop the event, so now my task is to make it worth while to her. Make sure I read the magazines and wear the clothes, eat the candy - candy is a consistent favorite of hers. I often come home to discover a chocolate bar or liquorice strap waiting. Again, not in recent times as we're rather straped for cash these days. I think a part of that is not feeling so bad about getting the sweets for herself. Still, I'd rather that she did. Then I might ask for one, or I might decide it better not to. So I've been worked on in that respect to help remove this... unfortunant character glitch.

I think it may have been a part of why I was crying last night - I know I felt guilty and afraid (wow, washi was scared - what a frikkin surprise), and I was tring to work it down to just one or two reasons, and for some reason I thought of that. Which didn't help me stop of course, because I'm an idiot. But I felt a lot of other things I can't actually isolate, so it may just have been a flod of the wrong chemicals. Most likely.

I really wish I could write snideness into one of these posts. Anyway, I feel a little bit better now - The emptiness in the pit of my stomach is actually just hunger ^_^ And although I nearly started up again on the bus (GAH!! Stop thinking damnit bitch!!) I believe I will be okay for tonight! Go me -_-

Anyway, gonna head off to get food.


"Hot Space Station Justice!"

(This post was inflicted with the BIG POST ERROR of all things)
- posted by Washi @ 2:44 pm 0 comments

 
11:30, and I'm still blubbering sporadically. Maybe I'm just tired... Or stupid for letting these get to me. Probably the latter. So I will write this little note to myself:

STOP CRYING AND GET TO WORK!

There.
- posted by Washi @ 11:47 pm 0 comments

 
At The Half-way Hotel

Just a short post. Firstly:
OH MY GOD! KOUJI!!!! ROCK ROCK ROCKS!!!!

Yes, I watched my first eppisode of Digimon, series four. Guess who I now adore? How frikkin psycho is that kid? Yesu Christos! Mind you, I've heard the US series was somewhat butchered, so... I guess I'll be watching a bit to check. I wonder if Kouji can save it?

On a more sombre note, I am such a total cry-baby I make Sailor Moon look good. For no good reason (Except that I think more that is healthy, which in a way is worse then having no reason because making yoyrself cry is just frikkin ridiculous), I start crying. And then, to make matters worse, I can't stop for 1/2 an hour. Thankfully no one was home, because that could have been an unplesant scene.
"Erin, why are you crying?"
"::sob:: I don't know!!"

Blame it on PMS. ::shrug:: I managed to stop and get my breath back before my brother got home, which was good at least. It could have been messy otherwise. The poor boy is even worse with emotions then I am.

Apparently, Zoe and Fay (more Fay methinks) think that Liam is rude. They haven't even MET him yet, so I don't know what they're on about. My best assumption is that they just don't get it. That's why Zoe and I have so little to talk about - we have diferent priorities.

Okay, done now :Þ

"Okay, now that you've got me tied up in your golden lassoo, I'm forced to tell the truth... You have really nice tits."
~Bill the Kiwi Social Worker
- posted by Washi @ 7:46 pm 0 comments

 
::dances, much like a hose that's just had the water turned up really high::

YEAH! Shake that tail, Funky Squirrel! It's finally done! It all works, and I'm a frikken IDIOT! Go me!

But it's done, so stupidity asside I've finished all my Java requirements bar the exam. Which is a fuzzy little open book. ::continues to wiggle::

Okay, I got 10 minutes left to kill. So sue me :Þ

MISSA T ROX YO NUCLEAR BUTS!

And I'm done.
- posted by Washi @ 5:55 pm 0 comments

 
Talking in Your Sleep

I just finished my seccond CIT test. 19 out of 20. I so pleased, especially given I didn't actually know about it until Monday ^_^

Now I've just got to work out this damned E-shop project... ::GRAAAARGH!!::

Hey, if anyone knows how to put values from a field in a form into an SQL statement embeded in the form (If you know what I mean... the statement is used to virtually create the content of the next page) then please, by all means, Mail the explanation to me. God knows it'd be easier then getting it out of my instructor -_-.

Ah well, I just have to finish up the E-shop project (Write my report - will endevour to do this tonight and tomorrow), work out where my null error is in my Java prac, figure out how to shock my multimedia piece, finish up my MP3 player and hand up my report, and I've done all my class work for the semester. That's really only about 1 thing per corse, with at least one of those one things already done. That's a little scary, actually. I'm already coming up to mymidterms. Admittedly, it does rather feel as tough I've been at Uni forever, but still...

It's strange the way time distorts. The weeks seem to fly by, but the term has draged onwards to eternity. In two weeks it will finally be swatvac. And I will be once again opening my doors for commissions, in an effort to make some money to be able to buy things, like textbooks and a haircut, and if I'm lucky some joggers -_-. Having two birthday's this week hasn't helped much. I don't know that I'll have any money to put towards booze for Lauren's 18th. I'll have to pull out some more money tomorrow though, so perhaps I'lljust hand over whatever I happen to have left. I've already put asside my fortnightly $10, and I've got about 7 left over from my $40 (After Zoe's present, bus tickets and food. But oh, having hot chips was oh so worth it.), but I promised $10 towards Lauren's present, and I don't quite make that. Plus I'll probably need the little I have over the fortnight, so it's probably more dipping into my funds. At least the next birthday I will be forming gifts for is in September - And how much I spend depends on how much time I have to produce something a little more personal - I know that drawing things for friends for their birthdays is really cheap, but most of the time 'really cheap' is as good as I can afford. I'm trying to work out sometihng for LEdi's 18th as it is, and I've STILL god Iduna's birthday present... And I still quite like the way it looks, which is nothing short of a heart attack in itself.

I wonder if I'll see Naomi at the AVCon? I wonder if she'll manage to bring Jason along with her - It'd be cool to see those two again, find out how their lives have been treating them.

I hate step processing. BAH!

Okay, mayhaps it's time I left off now. I've got Java to do, now don't I?

Later puppies.

"As easy as 3.1415926..."
- posted by Washi @ 3:04 pm 0 comments

 
Wars of the Last Wolves

Well, I have had a wonderful weekend, thankyou for asking. I've gotten a fair amount of sleep, and managed to spend quite a bit of it (Okay... pretty much all of it) with Liam. I also got to see all of Trigun, so much joy to be had there. Then when I was waiting at the bus stop, I realised how beautiful the city was. It was Sunday, so there was minimal pedestrian traffic, and the area is full of aged buildings, sort of a colonial feel in a way I suppose. The street is lined with what I think is a variety of Oak, which is currently loosing it's leaves. The sky was overcast, and the wind moved the leaves along the pavement. I watched it pick the leaves up and lift them into the air, twirling them around in a few tight circles as the wind got caught in a doorway. And I was struck by how wonderful the city could be when I wasn't afraid of the general populous. It reminded me of those shots you always see of New Nork in those police movies, when they're in the 'better parts' of the city, near the parks and the old buildings.
I also spotted that someone had quite industriously graphitied two roof-top billboard advertisements. Kudos to them for making the effort.

I got chips! Which also made my weekend that much yummier. They were a little under-salted, but I think that can be improved. Yay! ^_^

I was gonna do some more theorising, but I'm in too good a mood to ruin it by picking apart a situation or concept. So you get a retelling.

Ledi missed roleplaying today. I was the only person that showed up. Hence I left a little earlier. That was cool, but I felt sorry for Liam - the poor boy looked so tired. He's probably asleep right now.

Lauren and Zoe's birthday's are coming up this week (Thursday and Friday respectively), and since it's Lauren's 18th, we be havin' a party. Which should be interesting, given Lauren's friends. I wonder if she's made any Uni freinds... I know I've made aquaintances, but they're not exactly 'go out and have a drink with Erin' sort of people. But they cool, so it's all good. Anyway, better get back to my Multimedia work. But first... Behold!


Name a song that...
Makes you want to dance: Gypsy form The Lord Of The Dance, Moondance by Van Morrison
Makes you cry: Bother by Corey Taylor or How Soon is Now? by the Smiths.
Makes you laugh: Bokura no Wargames from Digimon, some of the music from my Musical Challenge CD's (Especially Thriller as preformed by Joe Dolce)
Makes you smile: The Menchi song.
Makes you happy: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger, Shine On You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd, Rock and Roll Dreams come Through by Meatloaf
Makes you think of sex: Little Red Corvette by Prince, Universe by Savage Garden
Makes you think of being alone: November Rain by Guns and Roses, Somebody Else by Bleu, Santamonica by Savage Garden, Against All Odds by Phill Collins
Makes you ponder life: Rock and Roll Dreams come Through by Meatloaf, Take It To The Limit by the Eagles
You never want to hear again: Oh god... there are oh so many... Naughty Girl by Holly Valance?
You want to get married to: Always a Woman by Billie Joel - The unfortunant groom should be warned, yes?
You like to fall asleep to: Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd - The song or the album, I'm not sure which.
You like to wake up to: Magic Carpet Ride by Steppenwolf, Skateaway by Dire straits
You like out of your parents record collection: a lot of my fathers collection, a fair ammount of my mothers (My mother's more pop then my father).
You love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: Paint it Black by... okay, some chick I don't remember. But it wern't the Stones allow me to tell you.
You love the video more than the tune: That song by the Dixie Chicks...
You love to sing to: Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses, Mother Earth and Father Time from Charlot's Web, Sixteen Tons by 'Tennessee' Ernie Ford, Fame by Irene Cara, Stick Together by the Superjesus, Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper... Aw screw it. Many songs I like to sing, k?
You love to hear at clubs: Rapture and Marimba Rythms. Who cares who they're by, it's a dance track.
You love the lyrics of: You and Me by Alice Cooper, Take Me Home Tonight by Eddie Money , What is Love by Howard Jones, Your Latest Trick by Dire Straits, Have a Little Faith in Me by John Hiatt
You love which is instrumental: Duel by Bond, Toccatta and Fuge in D Minor by Bach, Popcorn.
You love by a band/artist you hate: Feel by Robbie Williams - It sort of makes me think of Orion for some reason that makes absolutely no sense to me.
You used to hate but now love: Everyday by Buddy Holly
You once loved but got sick of: My Heart Will Go on by Celine Dion, Dreamweaver by Garry Wright
Reminds you of an ex-friend: The Band Played by... I don't know...
Reminds you of your first crush\love: Alive by P.O.D.
Reminds you of your now crush\love: #1 Crush by Garbage and Sweet Transvestite from Rocky Horror
Reminds you of your siblings: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
Are embarrassed to admit you like: It's Alright by East 17, Take A Chance On Me by Abba
Sums up your teenage years: Take The Long Way Home by Supertramp
Perks you up: How about Music in general? Tusk by Fleetwood Mack or Lido Shuffle by Boz Scaggs
Is not your "typical type" of style but you love anyway: No real typical style... I suppose
Is good to listen to while holding hands: Make Me Loose Controll by Eric Carmen or Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler
Is best played in the car: Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Just Like Paradise by David Lee Roth, Stairway to Heaven by Led Zeppelin, Born to Run by Bruce Springstein, yadda.


"If god doesn't like the way I live, let him tell me, not you."
~Anon
- posted by Washi @ 9:27 pm 0 comments