Got To Be Good-Looking
No birthday movie night for me - Zoe got sick, so It can't be at her place and I don't really want one enough to organise it for at my place. Ah well. I'll get to be with Liam on my birthday, and that's the really important part. To me anyway.

We went to the Elephant Walk last night. It was so nice ^_^! I even convinced him to try some herbal tea, of all things. I know, I'm mean to the poor boy. But he's so romantic, and such a sweet-heart.

Had lunch with Dad on wednesday. Pretty cool actually - we had a chat, had some fish, caught up on events - It was pretty cool. But then my Dad's a cool sorta person. I really ylike him at least.

The computer screens all blurry. I'm wearing my contacts. That may or may not explain everything.

Anyway, tute starting - Gotta fly.


"You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. "
S. Rickly Christian
- posted by Washi @ 2:12 pm 0 comments

 
Quizzzzzzzzzin...

Protector


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla



Rini - "Little bunny"


What would your Japanese name be? (female)
brought to you by Quizilla


TOSHIRO: talented; intelligent


What would your Japanese name be? (male)
brought to you by Quizilla


Ayumi Hamasaki - AKA "Ayu" - The Queen of
J-Pop (Japanese music). She's bigger than
Britney in Asia, and for totally different
reasons. She's talented, beautiful, honest,
writes deep and meaningful lyrics, has composed
and performed almost every kind of music in
existence, and is only 24 years old! Check her
out online at
http://groups.msn.com/Smithyssiteofstuff/ayumihamasaki.msnw


Which Japanese Pop artist would you like?
brought to you by Quizilla
YAY! Ayumi Hamasaki!


A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.


What kind of girl are you?
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You're a unicorn of a different color. You're your
own person...err, unicorn, andyou aren't afraid
to be different. Go you! Unfortunately, you are
also utterly insane.


What Kind of Unicorn are YOU? (no, really..its cool- with graphics!)
brought to you by Quizilla


Earth


The Force of Nature Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

- posted by Washi @ 1:49 pm 0 comments

 
If You Notice This Notice...
My computer is being hijacked for a few days, so I will be off the internet for a while. It's gonna be tough, but I should get through.

I'm at Uni right now, so I can't properly put the notification up everywhere I belong, but if you know of a place I'm s'posed to be at (Eg, Project Genesis) can you please tell them the current situation? Thanks ::Please Goddess, let Dani read my blog...::

That is all. Go bit on my Firbid auction! Just go through the Washi link!


- posted by Washi @ 3:57 pm 0 comments

 
Australia's Nelsun Mandella?
I made it home alive. Yay me!

Mum went out to a dinner (She's informed me it was wonderful and delicious and FREE and good in general). And I finally got to show her Engrish, which was nice and ammused her. But in any case, it meant I was catching the bus home. Four bus changes (Technically - fortunantly, one of those turned out to be the same bus, just changing route, so that was good) and a light soaking later, I made it through my front door. My bro is gone, so the house was empty. Again, I wonder if perhaps it is time for me to get my drivers licence and pick up a nice scooter or something. I had a small nightmare on my way back - I was awake, I just fell into a destrictive line of thought. Bad me.

Liam just got on. I'm glad - I was worried that something might have happened ('cause I'm paranoid like that). He had a game today, which I'd forgotten so... Thwap the Washi -_-; But I'll see him tomorrow, so I suppose all is well.

::Thwaps the Washi good and proper::

When I can do graphical games, I want to make a Thwap-A-Washi game.

I have a link in my history called goatsucking. It's not what you think. But it does link something that's probably more along the lines of what you think.

Woke up thoroughly nackered this morning. Gonna do the same tomorrow, most likely. I'm a sucker for punishment.

I wonder what this Thursday's about?

Wow. that last part is really spaced out. I'm spacing man!! Okay Washi, shut up and calm down... A guy in my Friday tute asked me if I owned a dog, right after he told me to calm down. I think he's onto me. I better run around in circles for a while to confuse his sense of smell...


"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable computers?"
~Anon

- posted by Washi @ 12:08 am 0 comments

 
It's A Sad Puppy Day.
I can't think of a time I've wanted furcadia again more then right now. I miss Mella and Wasaki. I wanna chat damnit! And while I could get ICQ, I don't have my contact list. With Furc, I'd just need my ini files.

One of my pracs just got easier. Why'd they have to wait so long to tell me? I'd onlt just worked out how to do it without changing any of the original details. Bah -_-.

It's hot.

Seems everyone's a deviant but me. Meh, I find the whole place too confusing anyway. It's a shame about Side 7, but they've been very good to those of us concerned.

Went to a party last weekend. Felt a bit out of place - I'm sure that if I'd actually made an effort I could have gotten into a conversation at least, I just really had no desire to communicate. Blah me. Sorry Ri-chan -_-

K, lesson change. Bai puppies!

"Oh, the foor bone's connected to the.. jaw bone"
~Sonic the Hedgehog.
- posted by Washi @ 5:05 pm 0 comments

 

The Nemesis Meme by quill18
Username
Your Nemesis is a:	Pointy-Haired Boss
The final battle will be fought:	In Canada's capitol city.
The outcome:	At the last minute, you will unite to fight a common foe.
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

- posted by Washi @ 1:18 am 0 comments

 

You are Hedwig Robinson! Once a little boy from
East German Berlin, you have grown from a
"little slip of a girlie boy"
listening to American Forces Radio to the
"internationally ignored song
stylist" responsible for Tommy Gnossis'
hits. All you really want is to find your other
half...


What Character from Hedwig and the Angry Inch are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Your Hedwig song is: Midnight Radio!


Which ''Hedwig'' song are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're Veda Boheme. You go, girl.


What drag queen from 'To Wong Foo' are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


- posted by Washi @ 1:13 am 0 comments

 
A Hell to Call My Own...

- posted by Washi @ 12:38 am 0 comments

 
My My MY... Neurosies! (Da na na na na na naaaaa)...
It occurs to me that, for most of the mental ilnesses one reads about, one can find symptons in their descriptions that relate to them. I was reading a escription of ''Obsessive Compulsive', and discovered I had many traits that could be described as Obsessive Compulsive. For example, as Ri-chan would know, I habitually check the bottom of every glass I use for dishwasher grunge. I also check my room every night before bed so that I know exactly where every implament that could possibly be used as a weapon is, and formulate a strategy or two for my defence should something happen. That there is the more 'OC' part of my nature - I'm paranoid and terrified all at once. Go me!

I think it's a part of Virgo nature. Apparently we're especially pre-disposed to OC acts.

K, I'm gonna actually do some work now. Sorry, no quote - Rion Is Watchin' Me.
- posted by Washi @ 7:34 pm 0 comments

 
Sexy Underage Teens
Something I forgot to mention yesterday - I ended up watching a bit of Miss Teen America. One I managed to convince myself that the girls were actually teenagers and laughed at the dance routines and awful bathing suits they made the poor girls wear, I found mtself morbidly facinated in the whole thing. Like the host's repeated clothing changes - every time there was an add, she went off and changed clothes. Her hair was always perfectly styled to fall over one shoulder in an impossible to keep way that was rather ridiculous when you thought about it for a moment, carefully hilighted and never seemed to get ruffled. After staring in facination for a while, I came to the conclusion that it never moved because it was varnished in that position.

The girls were, of course, to the letter involved in humanities, volunteered at homeless shelters and the like in their spare time and wanted to change the world. At least, the ten that made it to the... down-to-ten round, whatever that was, were. It made me a little worried that the girl who became 'Miss Teen America' was to be "a rolemodel for teens around America" - Although at least one of the girls was more then just soft flesh and a diet. She had a very well defined body structure, even a bit of a six-pack going. Made me think she could get into body-building if the whole beauty pagent thing didn't work out for her. Didn't get to see what happened to her. Miss Texas was pretty, but I'm rather glad she was knocked out at the begining - simply because she WAS Miss Texas. Had good fassion sence, unlike some of the others...

Yes, it's fun to pick pagents to pieces. They're just so... silly and surreal! I don't even know why they have a personality and tallent section - my theory is that it's because they want to hear the girls talk and see if they have a pretty voice and don't say 'like' a lot. bah.

Okay, I've said my piece. Now I go back to procrastinating.


"bash: fuck: command not found"
~ Unix, to me, just then when I told it to fuck off. No, not having a good time with the submit code.
- posted by Washi @ 4:39 pm 0 comments

 
Kitto Dare Demo
Funny ol' sunday morning in Erin Land - I'm gonna get a what-for from Mum when she gets back. Bah, she jumped to conclusions. Probably 'cause Manny was there and she just sorta snapped. But if she even tries to get down my reasonable throat about this...

Doing 'Internet Culture' in CCCT this week. Reminded me of something someone said, about why these people make awesome flash animations, post time-consuming artworks, stories and music on the internet. She theorised that it was a desire to 'give sometihng back'. The internet is like one great big share network, and people who give something back to it tend to be those who take a lot from it. I suppose that's why Napster was so popular, and why it's successors still enjoy vast ammounts of people connecting to them daily. It's a whole 'nother world out there. At's why I got my site, why Drazen's got his, why Blogger's so popular and why every jo and his puppy has a livejournal.

Anyway, moving along... we didn't win the quizz night, allow me to say in advance. Fair enough, given we only had four people on our table and most other tables had 10 or just under. But we had fun, and we ate spinach pasties wth cheese. So all went well. And we did surprisingly well. And I got into the habbit of writing 'some brittish guy' or 'some rugby guy' when I didn't know who the answer to the question was. Aaron lookes surprisingly diferent, for all the 'still liiking the same' parts. More mature. And Johnathan still sings like no-one I've ever heard - Damn that boy is good. They were all singing the usual jazz-ztyle caberet stuff, which seems to imply that Ms. Aralumpalum is still picking the music for some of them, unles sshe's really managed to instill a 'healthy apreciation for jazz' in each and every one of them. Or just picked the kids who had it. There was a girl there I hadn't seen before - She looked to be about 13 or 14 but man did she have a voice! Blew me away.

Zoe won a cheesecake shop voucher. I forgot to talk to her about my party. Bad me.

Beta... so...cool... ^_^!

Whoops - I forgot to ask Liam about the Show this year... Damn, I forgot everything this weekend.

Anyway, went to Kevin's birthday thing on Saturday. There was much cool drums being played, had to resist the urge to get up and dance. The beat will do that to me ^_^; But I remained seated, partook in the round games, all that stuff... It was cool. I got tired. I remembered why I don't play werewolf (I'm an uper fan of Werewolves themselves, I worry about growing out of that if I play them through an endless barrage of carnage and angst. Not that I don't inflict that upon plyers when I run games anyway...) Bah. Let's leave that there.

Anyway, not a bad weekend for one spent entirely at my place. I feel sorry for Liam - he's not used to being woken up repeatedly throught the morning by firstly the dog whining and whinging at the door, then by the dog barking, then by my mum coming home with Manny and clanking around though the kitchen, then by the dog whinging and whining and barking again... To his credit he managed to stay in bed.

Okay, that's probably enough for now. I haev things to do inside, and I should probably eat something soon. I tried my hand at cooking yesterday - my hand was vibrating like I had advanced parkinsons whenever I tried to hold the tongs or a knife... It made dipping 'taters in oil dificult.


"What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking out of him. "
~ Brian O'Nolan, The Best of Myles

- posted by Washi @ 5:10 pm 0 comments

 
Take-away For Two
Gah... This computer has no photoshop... Trying to find in on the other computer;s through the network, but not exactly having a whole lotta luck. Ah well. if/when Ri-chan gets here I'll either see him into class and go find another pool or go to the Kaf. I wonder why everything in this folder is named after a spice? Maybe it's just a gimick.

I got the double bed. Now I've gotta work out how to fit the damned thing into my room. Maybe, if he's feeling up to it. I'll be able to trick Ri-chan into helping. First though I'll have to clean out under my bed. There isn't as much room under my new bed as there is under this one, so only the low large things like the canvas board and the watercolour pad will be able to stay under there. And my dog will no longer fit under the bed. She;ll be sad about that.

Apparently one of the slats on the base is broken becase Ledi ploinked down on it. The ploink was apparently a bit heavy for it.

Drazein is cool. His song spoof is cool. The plotline of this review, however, leaves me with a bitter taste in my mouth. Allas, I suffer from 'I could do better then that' syndrome.

Gonna go over and hug now. Bai!

"Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information."
- posted by Washi @ 1:19 pm 0 comments

 
Repetition Repetition
Didn't post so good in my Practical class - actually, nothing worked for that. Ah well. I have a bully-dog.

Watched the final Buffy today - had the best scene from buffy EVER! The D&D scene where Andrew, Zander, Dawn and Giles are playing D&D and Giles is attacked by Trogdor the Burninator. Golden moments like that make TV worthwhile.

That's all I really wanted to say now... Read some extracts from 'the Taoism of programming'. Wish I could post some here - but they're all on the school computer mocking me. Oh how they mock me...

"It's even more beautiful then I dismembered it."
~Lil, Rugrats.
- posted by Washi @ 1:20 am 0 comments

 
Just That Way
It's safe to say I woke up well and truely nackered today - must have had a poor nights sleep. I'm still waking up from my nap, so excuse any really fuunny typing that's produced.

In Java again... just working our how to get this darned class working...

Last episode of Buffy tomorrow. It's the sort of thing people should get together and have a party for - kind of a landmark of sorts. 7 years is a good run.

Right, I'm going back to Unix now. Have fun kids.

"4.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986
You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... "
~/etc/motd, cbosgd

And, in case you didn't get that...

"A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk was enlightened.
From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, who passed it on to theirs. "

And, if THAT went over your head...

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla. "
~ Mitch Ratcliffe


- posted by Washi @ 4:34 pm 0 comments

 
News on the Eastern Front!
Looks like I may be getting a double bed! A propper one this time too, not one with a single bed over the top of it. Zoe's upgrading to a queensize, so I'll be picking up her double. Yay! It may not sound like much to some of ye, but it's quite a step up from my single. And it means I won't have Ri-chan threatening to sleep in a sleeping bag. So more yay there.

Still looks like we're moving, and apparently one of the places has a large room separate from the rest of the house that I can use as my room. I think the main thing I'd like is a door that locks and that, if possible, the dog isn't able to open. At least she's not a large dog, or no rdoor would be safe. Aunt Heather's dog Jed is notoriously good at that - He's a German Shepard. He knows how to open doors that have long handles and doors that have doorhandles that open by sliding them to one side, like bolts. He can't yet open plain rounded doorknobs, as he can't get a good grip on them with his teeth.

Dani liked my dog-girl WOOP! YAY! ^_^ sorry, Dani's cool, AND female, which is the voice I hand't gotten on that yet, so all is good.

It's odd - I'm at that stage where I hear that anyone is looking for a room-mate and I actually take an interest and think about how that would work for me. Of course, normally the answer is 'I think you would be driven mad', but it still always sounds like a good idea. Fortunantly, the lack of urgency and the whole going mad part stay my hand. That and I need this computer. My hard drive is my life-blood - losing the info stored on it would be tragic - be like losing a photo album.

Must stop chewing on my fingernails - they taste like soap Soap in mouth BAD!

Java bad... Math scary... Must... Eat... chips...

Okay, that's all I wanted to say. I'll tell you if that ends up not happening.

I'm afraid my compuer seems to be stuffing up regularly at the moment, so no quote today.
- posted by Washi @ 3:49 pm 0 comments

 
Already Paid
I'd like to thank my fellow Something Positive reader on the tag-board for telling me where all my posts had been going. Odd - I was rather surprised by that. I guess that explains why things kept going funny - I'll try to be more careful with my posts in future, untill I work out exactly how that happened (The dream one may have been because I forgot to change someting in BlogThis, but the seccond one could only have been a human error or some odd loop in the system caused by having multiple blogs. As this IS me we're talkin' about, the forst is the likely. Thankyuu!

Okay, a re-post (Because I'm nasty) -

---

I Gotta Stop Eating Spuds Before Nap...

I had the most wacked-out dream. I was asleep in the library and I dreamed that it was 10:00 and I'd slept through all my evening lessons. Which isn't that wierd, but I dreamt I was woken up by Ri-chan, who for some unknown reason was dressed in really bad rappers clothes - loose basketball top, gold chains, red hat turned sideways, funny shiny pants - the whole shebang, right down to a mass of gold objects balancing out his hat. I didn't reconise him until he spoke and gave me a hug - suffice to say, I was shocked. It was dark outside, and I asked him what was with the get-up, but ledi cam eup behind him before he could answer. Turned out we were in a really small computer room - the lights were off, so it was only lit by the glow of the screens. I thought she'd be mad at me, but she didn't seem to be. I was informed that it was 10:00 and that I'd slept through my lectures, and they'd come around for... I'm not entirely certain, at that point I was trying very very hard to wake up. I was dreaming - and a part of me knew I was dreaming but was still afraid I'd overslept.

Odd ne? Go figure.

Hehehe, Kali in a school uniform - so funny ^_^!

Meanwhile, I meant to draw today, but fell asleap instead ^_^;; Shtupid me. As it is I'm working on next week's prac, due to the nature of first pracs everywhere (I.e, teaching you how to submit. Submit damned you!!)

Hee, by blog is green now ^_^ The archive pages are still purple - I might make them all shades of grey, sort of a way to indicate that they're not the main area. Mind you, I'm starting to type so much more into this thing you'd need to go to the archives just to keep up. Ah well. I like to write.

That's enough - lesson's almost over.


"You want to tell me now?"
"Tell you what?"
"What it is you're trying to find out. You know, it's a funny thing. You're trying to find out what your father hired me to find out and I'm trying to find out why you want to find out."
"You could go on forever, couldn't you?"
~The Big Sleep

---

On the Turning Away

You ever read something that makes you think and realise how very lucky you are? And how very confined your group of friends is compared to the people you know? I just did. Makes me sad, but there's little I can say - especially here. Guess it's true what they say about these things - I'm a very, very lucky girl.

I had an odd thought today. As anyone who knows me will know, my dating experience is limited at best - okay, my experience with human relationships full stop is rather limited. But I've noticed that I've been feeling rather odd lately - really awful, come to think about it. And it occured to me - although I can't clearly remember, this may have happened the last time I was in a relationship of any kind... It feels somewhat similar, only I remember it being worse. Perhaps the wonderous expansion of the past. At least, if I'm remembering right it does. If I remember, it's a part of why I left him and ran. It goes away when I'm with Ri-chan, but when I'm not it starts to nibble at me like a pack of hungry prahnahs, or however they're spelt. A sort of sick feeling - Hard to describe, except that it's a little bit like guilt. But then again, since I learnt what guilt felt like (It's not the way it sounds, it was sort of one day I was lying in bed thinking and feeling horrible and I thought - 'hold on... I think... If what I've read is correct, that feeling would be guilt. Why have I got that?'), most things have been able to be compared to it. It's the only feeling I know definitely - I have a vague idea of sadness and a very good idea of fear (Which is realted to guilt, only tends to come in more violent attacks), a somehwat hazy idea of happiness (Which I think is mostly the absence of sadness - it doesn't seem to have any other characteristics. Which doesn't mean I'm not happy, thankyou very much), but most sort of go beyond me. And I wondered - well, two for two is starting to look like an issue here girlie. So what's up with you now?

And then I decided that other people had more important things to worry about, and figured I could work it out at a later date. I'm bound to find something to blame it on - Blame it on my parent's divorce. That's what every one else seems to be doing. I know I'm so very, very lucky right now, and I only wish I could ditch this sense of fear and actually enjoy how blessed I really am. I'm so lucky to be loved - and I'm lucky to be able to love anyone, I know that. It's a pity that it takes someone else's confusion to remond me not to be so wrapped up in my own.

I wish I could do something about that. But I'm not very good at helping people - rather a spectacular failure in that department -_-;;

Beta is TOO CUTE for this world!

	*samurai* a master of the mystical katana noble; honorable; deadly
[Final Fantasy Tactics Job Class]

"We sell a tasty life"
~Taken from a sign at Engrish.com
- posted by Washi @ 12:30 pm 0 comments

 
Urge to Killl...Rising...

Word of advice for you all puppies - if you plan to start an ICQ conversation with me, "hiiii how u doin???" Is not the way to start, and asl should not be mentionedin the first ten posts thankyou. Bloody Internet morons - I don't like them in real life, I won't like them in cyber-life.

Now, onto something else. Believe it or not (And I'll understand if you don't), my last post was actually about how very lucky I am. Unfortunantly, Blogger ate it. I'm ot sure how - there was some sort of major glitch and it said that the last two posts hadn't happened and that this post had, and then the template mysteriously changed, and then I refresshed and the post had disappeared. Suffice to say I was pissed.

The gist of it was, in dot point form :
- I am lucky to be loved by someone, and to be able to love
- I'm phenominally bad at emotions, and this includes identifying many of them as well as feeling them.
- Guilt and Fear I know very well, and I find they are odly similar.
- I think I have relationship issues. I didn't go into this in too much depth, as I figured everyone was sick of it by now.
- Did I mention I'm a very lucky puppy?

It was quite long and involved, of course. Oh, and brilliantly written ::Chuckle:: Okay, seriously, that should stop happening now. Peace puppies.


"A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now has no excuse for further procrastination."

- posted by Washi @ 8:36 pm 0 comments

 
I KEEL YOU BLOG!!!
- posted by Washi @ 5:03 pm 0 comments

 
... GAH!! What happened!!??

Okay, fixing THIS when I get home - my green layout is missing!
- posted by Washi @ 5:03 pm 0 comments

 
Jus Me and a Toad

Test Results

You think of yourself as being Warm, Beautiful, Soft, and Luxurious.

Others think of you as being Loving, Loyal, Playful, and Protective.

Your relationships can be described as Crystal, Musical, Flowing, and Merging.

When stressed, you feel Constricted.

Take this test here.
Odd test. Make no sence. Washi smash.

Sorry about the uber-long pitty session that was yesterdays post. Seriously, I should put a tag board on this blog or something - that way, people can tell me to either "Shut my bitch mouth and get over myself" or "I had that problem a year back too, and I found that eating spinach puffs helped". It's not fair to just give shit and not take any of it ^_^; I guess I'll look into that.

Guess that is all for now. If something more interesting comes up, I'll tell ya'aal.

"There's no map of how to live, that's why we're free."
~Digimon 01, Brave Heart

- posted by Washi @ 5:32 pm 0 comments

 
Imbolic and the Dolly

First week back at Uni is over. We;ll see how I do. I keep spelling 'idea' with a capital I. I'm not sure why...

Anyway, the past few days... We'll start with thursday onwards?

I indicated to my GM that he had well and truely cheesed my character. The bard's rign was a nice gift, the gloves were just evil evil fungus. I feel so twinkish.

On a similar front, Liam's willing to teach me how to use the Exalted system. Which I'd like, but I seem to be having this horrible, stupid glitch lately - I find myself just sitting there thinking 'Oh my god, I'm so tired of all the angst. Please make it all go away...'.

I did my first 'crying in a public bathroom' on Thursday too. Just like in the movies! God I suck... And I'm too easily affected by what I see/read/hear - I've come up with a theory. I'm phenominally self-centered. I seem to have this overwhalming desire to... I'm not sure if it's to make everything about me or to take everything personally. There are so many things I just can't read or watch any more because they hurt too much. It's like I can't find enough to be angstfull about on my own, I have to borrow it from fucken everywhere. Normally it's to do with rape - I hear the word and it's like being stabbed in the stomac. It felt like I stopped for a moment just writing the word. Any sort of sexual exploitation (mostly of women I notice - I think it's got something to do with my gender and that I take a slight against women as one against me) these days is enough to make me drop everything and start blubbering. I'm getting worse, and it's quite pathetic. And I'm not sure why, but I think it's the affore mentioned self-centeredness. I know it has nothing to do with me, but I feel violated every time it's mentioned - Like someone's stuck one hand into my chest and started squeezing whatever they can find in there - from my heart to my stomach- and the other hand is wrapped firmly around my neck. And I don't know why it hurts so much. It's strange and stupid I don't understand it. I'll be sitting watchig a movie - whch no more then a year ago I would probably haev thought was wildly funny, and all it will do is upset me. And I'm sick of it - It's not just hurting me. Liam pickes up that something's wring, but I dont' know how to vocalise how or why I'm hurting, and it upsets him and it isn't fair to him. But I can't seem to make it stop, whch is ridiculous because I remember a time when Emotion was a dirty word that I never had to hear. I don't know why it bothers me so much though - Other people seem to have far less problems with it. Is it just that I'm oversensitive? I used to hate sitting with the group at high-school, because there would be so many conflicting feelings going around, and so many bad vibes that I'd just feel sick. I'd say I was just too empathetic for my own good - or was that pathetic? But the gist was that if one og my friends was depressed, I was depressed. And don't like being depressed. So I'd try to fix it.

Anyway, it hurts and I want it to stop. I just want it to go away. So why am I telling you all? You don't care - you probably agree with me - it's absolutely ridiculous to react so badly to even the slightest implication of these things. Well wait, it gets worse. It may not just be the abuse - It seems even hearing/seeing/reading the good things make me feel this way sometimes. I react so badly and with such unnecesarry force that I'm not entirely certain what's wrong with me. It's like I have an aversion to everything about it except the thing itself. Maybe I'm just afraid - One doctor had the theory that my occasional heart palpatations were bought on by adrenalin. I've had almost no attacks recently, but I've felt this continuous build-up of fear and distress over media sexuality that it may be my body compensating for it's imbalance. Or it may be some psychological thing that I've blocked and have decided not to deal with. Personally, given what it's causing, I don't want to deal with it. Anyway, that's just something that's been affecting me recently, and hopefully this will make it go away. Or somesuch.

Anyway, back to what I was ACTUALLY telling you about - gamed on the thursday and the friday. Got to meet Ri-chan in the club early both days because tutorials haven't started yet.

He stayed over friday night, which was cool. On saturday the circle came over for Imboloc, whch i was hosting this year. We didn't get around to recyting much poetry, but we got to talk. Michelle started talking about how she was gonna try living away from home for the holidays with Todd, which in my opinion is a phenominally bad idea but hey, it's her life - and his. Let them do what they want to frekin' do. Gah. But she started talking about how her father was never home, how he was up at lower light all the time and went to sleep the moment he got back, as well as waking up and leaving before she got up and she never saw her. Talking about how much she hated her home life and how she was all alone. And Zoe told her exactly what she thought. I wanted to give her a hug - Ledi listens to Zoe. She thigks I'm out to get her. Aparently, she thinks Liam hates her - she asked me if he did today. I just brushed it off and said he didn't know her. But that's not important I guess - she is alowd to think what she wants. But Zoe told her that she had to do something about it - not just sob and complain about it. She also pointed out that moving out wouldn't help because it was her relationship with her father that was the problem, which I've told her before, as has my mother. And Zoe told her exactly what to start doing about it, much to Ledi's repeated protesting. I think she likes to be the victim, or has a need to be the one who'se being picked on, the one for whoom life has been unfairly hard. I know a lot of people like that - I find myself desiring that exact same thing. But I know, at the center of myself, that that is very untrue. I have no justification for the way I feel, and that makes it invalid. Which hurts more in a way, because knowing that you're feelings are not only ridiculous and have no basis on anything in your life (To your knowledge), but are invalid because you caused them yourself, and bought it upon yourself. No real world cause. Makes it worse and that much more ridiculous. so I think she tries to stay in a place that feeds her depression. But I think her relationship with her father could do with some working on, but the only people who can deal with that are them. Once she works out what to say to him.

Now, my dear puppies, I command you all to laugh at me! Ha! Ha!

We went outside and Molly skitzed out over Zoe. But as we were walking down to the rumpus room to get the CD player, she asked "Has she been like that a lot lately" And, thinking she was talking about molly, I said "Yeah, for a while now. She's gotten all clingy." Zoe just looked at me and said "I'm talking about Michelle." I more or less repeated it, just dropping the clingie part ^_^;; It was rather funny at the time.

In any case, Zoe was symathetic, Ledi tried to tell RP stories and I stopped her where I could, knowing that Zoe was not only mad at Todd at that moment but really didn't care about Roleplay. She's only beein in one game book run by me, which she enjoyed. I think she'd despise being in one of the games I'm in - she's too practical for it. But to each their own hey ^_^? Watching them with the Tarot made me nausious - but again, to each their own.

They left a few hours ago. I watched a program on hacking and one on deadly creatures. And that's the past three days of my life for you. With a lot of useless crap in between.

I know, teen angst (KILL!!). Feel dirty... Need a shower...

and your inner dragon is a ....
Copper Dragon
In the war between good and evil, Copper Dragons take the side of the noble and good.
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos.
As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Copper Dragon as breathe from it's body.
During combat situations, whether by spells or by claw, your inner dragon will do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Dragon Description:
Copper Dragons make their homes on wooded hillsides, preferably close to a spring or river. They are fond of the Irish and typically speak with a soft Irish accent.

At birth, the Copper Dragon's body is covered in semi-reflective copper scales. As the dragon matures into it's young adult stages these scales become more polished and highly reflective.

As the dragon grows older and moves to the elder stages of life, it's scales begin to tarnish and mature into a bright greenish brown color. Copper dragons spend little time among humans, but can be often found among the elves and other magical folk.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Copper, Emeralds, and Laughter

Go get your inner dragon

"A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese"
- posted by Washi @ 10:14 pm 0 comments