Washi books
Friday, October 31, 2003
Another Instalment of the Pointless Bran Saga. Now with added Julian!
Bran slipped away while the priest was occupied. He felt that if he’d stayed even a moment longer he’d have fallen into a trance again, and been left starting at the imposing figure of the cross until he was found the next morning. It was a flight of fancy, he knew that – but he still felt good getting out. Being in there made his whole body ache with a phantom pain that was nothing more then a memory, and filled his mind with such serenity and fear that it threatened to overwhelm him and draw him back into a void.
Or something.
All churches did that, of course – even mosques and the occasional temple he’d visited filled him with that odd mix of serenity and fear that he wondered if everyone felt in these places. But only Christian ones made him hurt, which he thought was a pity because he loved the way religions looked. Angel had introduced him to the concept of the old god and the angels – which he’d lapped up as something that spoke to him. He loved angels and demons, as their antithesis. That was why he liked Anna’s angel so much.
He looked over to it as he walked out. The sky was darkening, so the monument was barely visible in the light of the streetlamp. But she was still there, ands raised to the sky imploringly. Perched on her shoulders, the black birds watched.
The wind picked up slightly, cutting through Bran’s series of shirts and brushing against his skin, forcing a shiver out of him. He shrugged his backpack into a more comfortable position and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, keeping a little bit of warmth within his slight frame. He walked to the parking lot where his bike was parked, slowly being dissolved of the parish cars as they returned home.
He was straddling the bike and putting his helmet on when he heard someone speak and brush up against his shoulder.
“Room for two?”
Bran yelped and jumped looking for the source of the voice. A man that Bran hadn’t seen before that moment was standing by his bike. He was almost the epitome of average. He stood at an average height, with hair a shade of dark blonde, or perhaps a strawberry blonde or pale auburn – it was hard to tell in the streetlight. Average grey eyes stared at Bran from a face covered in pale skin that didn’t get as much sun as it should, and loose grey clothing barely hinted at the build of the man within. Bran saw him almost immediately as a pale, washed-out version of Angel.
“I take it you’re my keeper for my holiday?” He asked dryly, a little shaken by the man’s sudden appearance. He simply nodded and gestured to the back seat of the bike that Bran normally used to ferry new recruits – fresh meat for the fold – around to various doctors and locations for their preliminary trials. Bran nodded, and the other man glided onto the back.
“Julian.” He said, just loud enough for bran to hear. “What do you feel like to eat?”
Bran blinked, a little confused. “Chips?” He suggested after a moment.
“That works.” Julian agreed. Bran tried to look back at him, certain he could hear a smile in his voice. “We’d best move now – it could take a while for this to start up, and we need to get there before they close, agreed?”
“It won’t take that long.” Bran said dismissively, fiddling with the clutch and walking the bike back.
“It may. Better start now.”
20 minutes later, Bran pulled out of the car park and onto the street.
- posted by Washi @ 1:05 pm 0 comments
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
Flat Out like Roadkill.
I lost my wallet. I have to get new crap. I'm peeved and annoyed, as well as giving myself a solid thwaping for being so stupid. And now I'm tired. This, combined with Java, is the basis of my last screem.
I'm gonna put up some comissions to try to make up some of the losses. My poor brother's not gonna get a birthday present from me this year -_-
"This looks to be the start of a beautiful, triangular friendship."
~Big Bird.
- posted by Washi @ 4:31 pm 0 comments
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
Monday, October 27, 2003
"It Always Hurts to Punish the Boys More Then the Girls. I Hope He Won't Take This Too Seriously..."
I just awoke from the most fucked up dream. It was similar to a dream I'd had before, but the people were all diferent. The start has become hazy in the time it took me to walk over here - I dreamed I was wandring around, and the place I was in was strange and nowhere I've been before. I dremed there were people I know there - Even Ri-chan was there, but he was busy talking to someone else and wouldn't talk to me. He was lying on the ground wrapped around this other girl and sitting across from this other guy, and I became ferociously jealous that he was ignoring me for them. So I went into another quiet room and cried with frustration. I think later in the dream he acnowledged me, but I wouldn't acnowledge him. I stormed through this building for a while and avoided everyone, slowly growing more angry and hurt. I eventually spoke to someone, who noticed the change in me. She asked me a series of questions - if it was Rosie for example, and she seemed impressed with me when I sighed and said it wasn't her. Rosei was te name of the girl with Ri-chan, but it wasn't the girl with Ri-chan's actual name... the dream named her Rosie.
Then the me, or the body I was riding in, said that I'd been off since I killed... and I didn't say who I'd killed. I then drifed out. I ended up chating to someone I know on a sort of jungle-themed ICQ program or somesuch. He was talking to me IC (I don't know IC for what) and was talking about the changling ball. I think that was in the original dream too. I snipedat him out of character, called him a sad little boy. I then heard myself say the words you see in the title of this post and the words changed to large wooden words. I saw myself using ropes to tie up the letters of S U I C I D E undernieth the earlier comment. I don't think I slept long enough to see that last time. I woke up rigt after, a minute before my alarm was due to go off. Untill I started typing I still felt the hurt, anger, rejection and desire to break everything of the dream. It was that strong.
Let's see what Dream Moods Says about my dream... well, the themes therein anyway.
Anger
To dream that you are holding or expressing anger, symbolizes frustrations and disappointments in your Self. You tend to repress your negative emotions or project your anger onto others. You need to look within yourself.
Being angry in your dream may have been carried over from your waking life. Dreams can function as a safe outlet where you can express your strong and/or negative emotions. You have some suppressed anger and aggression that you have not consciously acknowledged.
Jealousy
To dream that you are jealous of another person, signifies that such feelings may be carried over from your waking life This dream may reveal you unconscious feelings of jealousy toward that particular person. Alternatively, it represents your vulnerability and your fear of intimacy. You need to work on self-love and acknowledging your self-worth.
Rejection
To dream that you are rejecting something, indicates that there are feelings or situations that you want to be rid of. Alternatively, you may be refusing to accept a situation that is being imposed and forced upon you.
To dream that you are being rejected, signifies a lack of self-worth and alienation of others.
Boyfriend
To see your boyfriend in your dream, represents your waking relationship with him and how you feel about him.
To dream that your boyfriend tells you that he is gay or that he doesn't love your anymore, represents your own insecurities with the relationship. It may also mean that the relationship is moving to a new level to which you are expressing some anxiety and fears about the changing situation. You may feel left out it in his life or that you are unable to share in all his experiences. It boils down to trust and communication.
Cry
To dream that you are crying, signifies a release of negative emotions that is more likely caused by some waking situation rather than the events of the dream itself. Your dream is a way to regain some emotional balance and a way to safely let out your fears and frustrations. In our daily lives, we tend to ignore, deny, or repress our feelings. But in our dream state, our defense mechanisms are no longer on guard and thus allow for the release of such emotions.
To dream that no one hears or responds to your cries, represents your helplessness and difficulties and frustrations in trying to communicate with others. You feel that your words are falling on deaf ears. Perhaps your dream is telling you to be more vocal and work harder to get your point across.
Ignore
To dream that you are ignoring someone or being ignored, represents some aspect of yourself which you are not paying enough attention to. Alternatively, it may reflect your real waking experiences of being ignored by that person.
Murder
To dream that you have committed a murder, indicates that you are putting an end to an old habit and your former ways of thinking. This could also mean an end to an addiction. Alternatively, you may have some repressed aggression or rage at yourself or at others. Note also that dreams of murder occur frequently during periods of depression.
Killing
To dream that you kill someone, indicates that heavy stress may cause you to lose your temper and self-control. Consider the person you have killed and ask yourself if you feel any rage towards him or her in your waking life. You may very well be expressing some anger or hatred toward this person. Alternatively, you may be trying to kill or put an end to an aspect of yourself that is represented by the person killed. Identify the characteristics of this person and ask yourself how you do not want to be like him or her.
Roses (For Rosie, the only othernamed participant.)
To see roses blooming in your dream, signifies faithfulness in love and the arrival of a much joyous occasion. Roses also symbolize love, passion, femininity, and romance, particularly if they are red roses. If you see a white rose, then it symbolizes virginity, pureness, and secrecy. It you see a yellow rose, then it refers to infidelity or jealousy.
White, Gray (The rooms were all pale gray)
White represents purity, perfection, peace, innocence, dignity, cleanliness, awareness, and new beginnings. You may be experiencing a reawakening or have a fresh outlook on life. However, in Eastern cultures, white is associated with death and mourning.
Gray indicates fear, fright, depression, ill health, ambivalence and confusion. You may feel emotionally distant or detached.
Jungle
To dream that you are in a jungle, signifies aspects of yourself and your personality that may have been inhibited.
Well that was a trip and a half. Now, let's actually do some WORK.
- posted by Washi @ 1:42 pm 0 comments
Answers to the World
[in your head]: Cafeen
[in your mouth]: water
[on your bed]: clothes mostly.
[under your bed]: paper, books, pencils, general supplies.
[in your closet]: I have no closet! Possibly my bro? :: shrug::
[in your heart]: stillness
[Be famous and misunderstood, or loved and forgotten?] loved and forgotten. If there is nothing else, then there is no reason left to exist when we go.
[Have to do the same thing twice or leave mistakes be?] That's a tough one. Depends.
[Be rich and popular or poor and happy?] poor and happy.
[Be beautiful or smart?] Smart. Being beautiful is an advantage in some places, but it's dangerous.
[Be all-powerful or all-knowing?] all knowing. Being all knowing is the same as being all powerful, in the same way that a poodle is a dog.
[Have the power to ruin everyone you hate, or the power to make life blissful for everyone you love?] make life blissful for everyone I love most definitely. That's my aim in life now.
[Find a cure for cancer or solve faster than light travel?] Cure for cancer.
If you could:
[Be any disney villian]: Wait, are villans from Kingdom Hearts included now? Ah well. I'll be one of the ones that survuved. Cruella DeVille?
[Have any super power]: Shapeshifting.
[Have a doctorate in]: Something that doesn't involve me interacting with people...
[Speak any language]: Japanese
[Go back and change one thing]: I would have stuck with Karate, snots or no.
Famous/Historic/Legendary people
[Meet]: Buddha.
[Speak with]: Buddha or Taliesyn.
[Understand]: Joan of Arc
[Have sex with]: None. No contact, no sex appeal.
[Fight]: Can I get into a scrag-fight with Osama?
[Be descended from]: ::thinks:: Miamoto Musashi.
[Be]: Me. Most famous people had sucky lives.
Do you believe in
[angels?] As actual beings? Not at the moment, but I probably will next week.
[demons?] ditto.
[faeries?] Sure, they're as likely as anything else in this world.
[aliens?] Do I believe they exist? yes. Are they here? Who knows.
[soulmates?] I believe you can have a spiritual connection yes, but I believe that's something that has to be fostered.
[soul-enemies?] Ditto. These things have to work both ways - it's a basic tennant of my faith.
- posted by Washi @ 1:19 am 0 comments
Thursday, October 23, 2003
Puppy on the run again
The final hymn was being sung by the time Bran arrived. He looked around the moderately busy church for a moment before spotting the groundskeeper from earlier that morning, standing in a corner at the back with his hands resting on a broomstick. Quietly Bran slid towards him, hands firmly stuffed in his pocket. The groundskeeper didn’t acknowledge him until he stood right next to him.
“How’d it go down?” He asked quietly under the sounds of the congregation. Bran smiled dryly.
“Well, I scored some time off.” He said. He swung his bag off of his back and dropped it gently to the ground, ducking down to rummage through its contents to pull out the folded letter. He handed it to him with a small amount of mock ceremony as the hymn finished. The groundskeeper opened it during the noise made by the congregation returning to their seats and read in silence.
Bran looked towards the front, where the priest was giving his final blessings. Above him was suspended the large, wooden cross so that it hung imposingly over the stone and wood alter below, cleaned of the remains of communion by the alter boy who now sat on the side. He couldn’t hear what the priest was saying – the hanging cross filled his vision, blocking out all other sensory input. The image itself started to shift – He could remember looking at it from below, from the stones of the isles as the structure stood, resplendent in the coloured morning light through the stained glass windows. It bought back memories of fear and pain, although none of the events that caused them, but above all of comfort and understanding, and the phantom smell of incense and hemp. He could hear a bitter voice; his own he was certain, trying to cut through the fog.
“Ave, amicus vetus.”
“Wake up kid, class is over.”
Bran blinked out of his daydream and realised he’d been gripping his wrists tightly enough to turn his knuckles white and red. Cautiously he released his grip and adjusted his sleeves so that they covered his hands again and looked around. Most of the congregation was leaving. He looked over to the young man next to him, who was looking back with a flat expression.
“What did it say?” Bran asked.
The groundskeeper gave him a disbelieving look. “You didn’t read it?”
“I was given the gist of it – I figured it’d be easier in the long run to just ask you.” Bran shrugged. The groundskeeper nodded.
“Just detailing what I’m to do in your absence, that’s all.”
Bran nodded. “I understand what you meant now by ‘From the fold’. You’re not just one of us… You’re one of hers. Right?”
He groundskeeper nodded and smiled. “I was originally recruited by her predecessor.” Neither of them said who she was – both knew instinctively that she was Angel, although Bran had never met her predecessor – most people said he was just as dangerous, twice as imposing and far less pleasant to look at, so the change seemed to be for he best, if only temporary. “I was young.” He seemed unwilling to go further into it. Bran nodded his understanding – in his place, he’d be equally unwilling.
“What do you do normally, if you don’t mind me asking?” Bran questioned. The groundskeeper shrugged.
“I tend to the garden.” He said. Bran gave him a depreciating look. “And, of course, I shake a few sleazes up and keep them honest to the great mother organization.” He added with a boyish grin. “Have to be good at your work, whatever you do.”
Bran nodded his agreement, glancing back up the front where the priest was carefully removing his sash. “I have to talk to him too.”
“Then you’d better do it now.” The groundskeeper swung the broom out from under him and placed it against the far wall. “I’m going to go water the flowers. Hope it’s not too short a time before I next see you.” He gave Bran one of his more pleasant smiles and left.
Bran watched him go for a moment before taking a breath and turning back to the front. Slowly he began walking up the isle, heading towards the altar and it’s overhanging cross. He took hold of his own black cross pendant and swallowed his nervousness, genuflecting at the end of the isle.
The priest, hearing the footsteps, snuffed the last of the candles in that area and turned to see who approached. He audibly drew a breath in when he saw Bran.
There was a moment of silence, eventually broken by the priest.
“It’s been a long time, Bran. How have you been?” He asked with reserved friendliness. Bran smiled nervously.
“Yeah, no, I’ve been good. Thanks. How about you?”
“Quite well.” The priest replied. Another pause. “So…”
“I’m all healed up now.” Bran said, starting to feel less nervous. The priest was clearly just as nervous as him, and for some reason that gave him a little more confidence. “And I stop by occasionally…”
“Yes, I’ve seen you around. I didn’t exactly know what to say… ‘Hello, how are you, been involved in any…’ um…” He paused, embarrassed.
“I see you got the blood off.”
“Yeah… our groundsman is quite good with that…”
The conversation progressed that way for a moment, both making small talk and trying to avoid the issue. It was during the next lull that Bran decided to break out the box. He handed it to the priest, rubbing off a spot of melted chocolate as he did so. The priest gave it an odd look.
“What’s this?” He asked, opening up a corner.
“A present. From me and my guardians to you, as thanks. And… as an apology for causing such… trouble.” Bran looked down. The priest looked up from the box and gave him a stern look.
“It isn’t your fault.” He said forcefully. Bran looked up, startled. The priest turned his attention back to the box, picking at the string. Eventually he got it open.
Inside was a large amount of money, supported by a pile of feathers. A small thorn wreath held them together. Inside, a poorly scribbled note said something that he knew he’d have to sit down and actively decipher in better light.
He looked up to speak, but the church was empty.
- posted by Washi @ 2:04 pm 0 comments
Tuesday, October 21, 2003
3 o-clock storytelling.
(To read the prequal, go to This archive page and head down the bottom for the unnamed short story post on the 12th of June.)
She passed by his desk around noon. Bran always felt a cold chill wash over him when she walked past, although she’d never been anything but nice to him. There was something about her that made him have to fight the urge to watch her move – and it wasn’t because of any attraction or sexual interest, that was blatantly obvious to even his confused mind. She made him think of the cemetery in a way, just stormier, windier… That might be it; she seemed to be followed by her own personal cold breeze. Metaphorically speaking.
Bran had spent the morning working on the files – categorising the legitimate, burying the less legitimate – and manoeuvring between his computer’s database and the hard records. It was menial work, but he found it rather soothing, especially given he allowed himself breaks every half hour for various computer games and the moving of decorations. And he now had a small array of paper-cuts to go with the multitude of still fresh scratches he had all over him. So far, she’d been the only one to interrupt him.
For a while she just watched while he worked, until he simply became too uncomfortable and stopped working. She took this as her cue to speak.
“The groundskeeper didn’t tell me. It’s nice to have someone looking out for you, isn’t it?” She said pleasantly. Bran looked back, not yet convinced he wasn’t going to get punished.
“I’m sorry…” he began, “I didn’t mean to do it… But he was shouting and he threatened to call the police and…” Bran paused and took a deep breath, attempting to steady himself and not cry like some pathetic little boy. “Angel… I’m sorry…”
The young woman smiled at him. “Hey, chill kid. It’s already been fixed. And he’s not dead, although he’ll never see colour again and probably won’t ever be able to use his left hand…” The smile faded and her face turned stormy. “You can’t keep this up. That’s what, the third one in as many months?” Her tone took on a more dangerous edge. “I know you’re off the medication now. You know I don’t want to have to get a stronger leash… You won’t be allowed to go out anymore. And I don’t think either of us wants you to become that way.” Bran looked down, abashed and on the edge of tears still. Angel sat on the side of the desk. “Why were you on his property at that time of night anyway? Didn’t I ask you not to go out late any more, after last month’s incident with the punk and the oak tree?” She asked, more conversational.
Bran looked up, eyes wide with shock as he attempted to shift from prey to show-and-tell modes. A moment later he smiled and opened one of the desk drawers, pulling out a small denim bag. He opened it up, carefully reached in and pulled out a long, sharp thorn. It was red at the tip, brown towards the base and smooth, as though it had been sanded down. He showed it to Angel with a touch of pride.
“I’ve never seen any others like them. They’re bigger then they usually are and they only grow in his yard, behind the roses. I don’t know anywhere else to get them. But I can only get them in the early morning when I thought no-one could see…” He put it away, a little embarrassed. Angel seemed impressed.
“I suppose I can hardly punish you for collecting.” She said, picking up a birds-wing lying on his desk and playing with the feathers that remained attached to the frame. “It’s what you do, after all. And it’s why you’re with me, now isn’t it?” She looked up at him, which Bran took as his cue for enthusiastic agreement. “So maybe what you need Bran, is a short holiday.”
Bran’s mouth began moving before he could find anything to say, so for a moment he stood with his mouth open like some wild fish. “But there is a condition.” Angel added quickly before he managed to get his bearings. Bran nodded his acceptance. “First, you have to go talk to the priest of the church that you seem to have nominated as your crash site. You’ve been putting it off for too long.” She held up one finger to demonstrate and then pointed to a small package almost hidden by feathers and preserved bird-claws tucked behind a dying pot-plant. “Secondly, deliver this to the cemetery’s groundsman.” Angel pulled a folded business-size envelope out of her back pocket and handed over to an already protesting Bran. “And no arguing with me, understood?” She added dangerously, immediately silencing Bran. “I’ll get someone else to man the desk for a while.”
Bran nodded meekly, not sure what to make of this but certain that he was being punished this time. “What about… my other duties?” He asked tentatively. Angel placed the wing back on the table and stood up.
“What did you think the envelope was about Bran?” She asked flatly. “Just finish up and get moving. Someone will be there to pick you up when you’re done.” She turned to walk away.
“Wait!” Bran called out, moving around the desk. He hesitated as Angel turned back, and clearly decided to change what he’d been intending to say. “How… how will you know when I’m done?” He asked meekly. Angel waved a hand dismissively.
“I won’t. But your keeper for your holiday will. Try not to get into too much trouble, hey? But don’t you go loosing that edge.” She added half in jest. With that, she continued on down the hall.
Bran looked at the letter in his hand. “I knew it.” He said to himself before turning back to the filing.
That evening, Bran took the box down from behind the plant, brushing off his collection of appendages and the occasional chocolate wrapper. Both were placed in a plain canvas backpack that Bran shrugged onto his shoulders before heading out to where his bike was almost permanently parked. Some swearing and coaxing later it started up, and Bran took off, headed in the direction of evening mass.
PS - every guy should have a pair of these boxor shorts!
"Work hard and strive to reach the power of bland."
~From a pair of shorts.
- posted by Washi @ 3:03 pm 0 comments
Monday, October 20, 2003
Lightning Jackals Abound
Fist and formost, I must needs say... Ledi, if you're going to tell the story, tell the WHOLE FREEKIN STORY! I hate the frekin network, and I'm never talking to anyone involved in it again, that's my final decision. Everything gets back to everything else, and something I say gets reported to the wrong person. Apparently, Fay was very upset with me for saying to Ledi that I wouldn't come to her cosmetics party without a formal invitation. I couln't go at all, I TOLD Ledi that I was busy all that weekend. I was just peeved because she assumed that word would magically somehow get to me that she was having that cosmetics party if she didn't tell me. But that's probably ridiculous - I may have been told about it before, who knows. I might have been. :: shrug :: Actually, I think I ws told that it was occuring by Ledi, who wanted to go to the workshop I was at all weekend, so that would have been earlier that week. Hense I didn't even bother the courtesy call to Zoe.
Riamu! ::poinks:: I gotta get back from you wether the pic is in it's final form as it stands. It'll then be placed in a cue based on how easy things will be to colour ^_^;; I plan to do a good job for you though. I'll probably see you about it tomorrow.
Iduna - I've got the detailing design, I just gotta scan it and clean it up signifigantly before I give it a colour-over. What colour is the car it's supposed to be on? I'll probably ICQ you with the same question tonight.
I've also finally finished a commish. Not my finest, but still of a quality resonable enough that I believe it to be viable. My perspective got a little shonky in the background - it's a touch too high.
Anyway, mask-making workshop. It was fairly good, given the group climate at the time. I got to plaster much face, which was indeed cool. I also got to do a little og my own mask, although it's still lying in several pieces waiting to be painted. It needs to dry. I'm hanging out to spray it and stary the detailing - it's all down hill from here. Andhe looks pretty sweet so far. Plus I made a freekin massive ankh which I can hang upside-down or hold as a cross, as Ani would. I think I may look up some anubis pictures while I'm here, email them back to myself.
Anyway, back to the grindstone my puppies.
I got such a sore spot on my arm...
"When all is said and done, usually more is said."
- posted by Washi @ 2:50 pm 0 comments
Monday, October 13, 2003
When You Say Nothing At All
It's been a little bit of one of those days. I was half way to the city on the bus when I realised that I'd forgotten my assignment for maths - the one due up first thing that morninrg. After thumping myself solidly on the head for a few moments and contemplating texting mum and beging her to drop it off, I eventually decided to just redo the bloomin' thing. So I did the entire asignment on the bus on the way to Uni. Finished it, handed it in on time, no dramas.
I thin went into my 5 hour break, which I used to not-quite-finish some maths and eat. It came to about 1:30 and I contemplated being a good girl and doing somemore of my Graphic Design, but decided I'd go find a comphy chair and read a nice, boring computer networking book before I dropped off to sleep. It was a surprisingly fitful sleep - I had all mannor of wierd half-dreams. But in any case, having just woken up from that, I still feel somewhat inable to coherently type anyhing. So excuse the typoes - as I always beg of you, dear reader.
I think mayhaps that will do for now. I shall work on my Java a bit more, as I cannot weedle my way into Director as I'd hoped. I'll simply have to do it tomorrow for a bit befor Liam gets ti Uni.
"What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. "
~ Titus Lucretius Carus
- posted by Washi @ 3:25 pm 0 comments
The Left aware of the Right
It's bloggin' time! So to speak... My weekend has been odd.
Ri-chan came over Friday night. Which made me a happy puppy, even though hes usually tired after the Friday night game. We watched the glass house and snugged for a bit and I ate some food, so all was good. He'd gotten a message earlier that day about one of his other games, which was having a session on Saturday. However, my Nana's 70th birthday family BBQ was also on Saturday, and since I had a doctor's apointment at 10 that morning, I couldn't go up on the friday night (Even had I not had a game that night). I'd asked Liam earlier if he wanted to go and he conceded, although it was reluctantly. Because of where my father lives, I couldn't get up there unless someone took me, so that was that issue. So, I gave him the choice - if he really wanted to go to the game, he could, but if he would rather come to the BBQ, then we could head up after my appointment. I wanted to go catch up with my family (I haven't seen any of them since Dad got married, and I was in the photo of the family for Nana's 60th, which was also at Dad's place, just at his old place. I don't know why it bothers me that I won't be in this year's photos), but I knew, from past experiences (Just check the blog archives) that being put in this situation was never a good one. For example: Back when I was playing the Saturday game with Ledi and Iduna, Dad wanted to take me to the gallery to spend some time with me. I, of course, wanted to go because I knew it meant a lot to him to spend time with me and we don't get to do a lot together. But I already had a responsablility to the game. So we negotiated to go on Sunday, and I went to the game on Saturday, where I was informed that because some people had things we'd be playing on Sunday. And the choice was - go with my commitment to the game, and skip out on a rare chance to be with my dad, or play the game. I made the wrong choice - I chose the game over my father. More recently, I skipped out on going to a pre-planed camping trip with Zoe and her God-father and god-brother to go to someone's 21st. This is a little harder - I think I made the wrong choice here, but in the eyes of my mother at least I made the right one by not spendind a weekend in the forrest with a strange man and a goth punk I hardly know. But I disapointed Zoe, and I know I shouldn't have done that.
I didn't want Ri-chan being upset because he thought he should be somewhere else, or thought he'd be happier being somewhere else. I left him a spare set of keys and told him that, if he decided to go to the game, he could use them to get out.
I can't say I'm surprised he chose to go to the game - I was rather expecting it. Didn't mean it didn't hurt, of course, but I had a feeling that, even if he could technically have skipped this session due to being between characters, he would still go. A guy needs to spend some time with his friends, no? And it would be selfish of me to start saying things like 'Well, I know where I stand now' and all that. He left me a note before he left.
In any case, I slept off most of the upsetness. Dad called to ask where I was (I planned to call him and tell him I wasn't coming around 12/1-ish, since I figured the preparing would be done by then, but I slept through that) so I told him I couldn't get there and to wish Nana and Jennefer a happy birthday and say hi to everyone for me. Nanna kept calling me Michael, so I guess Michael wasn't there either. More insentive to have been there ::chuckle::. Jennefer forgot to hang the phone up, so I could hear dad explaining to some family member or other who Liam was and why I wasn't going to be there. I was tempeted to just sit and listen for a while, but Dad had called my mobile so I thought I should save him the bill. Mum stopped by as well, and read Liam's note when she was writing her own down, so she probably got a bit of a wrong idea - she asked me today over the phone if I was mad at him when he got back.
I came in around 8-ish to do some other homework and eat. I lit up some candles too - they smelt nice - and started wondernig when Ri-chan might be getting back. I dont' know why; I knew he'd get back around 11:30 - 12ish, so I've no idea why I was pondering it. Once I remembered that, I realised there was no point cooking for two and heated up half of the pizza's. Contemplated going to bed around the 11:00 mark, decided that wouldn't be fair.
And Yesterday? Slept in until almost three, spent what little of the day I had left sorting stuff. I should probably go to bed, but after sleeping in untill 3, I'm really not tired yet. After waking up at 7 tomorrow I'm sure I will be though, but I have a good 5 hour break in the middle of the day during which I can nap.
Signing out of this pitty-fest.
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
~ Oscar Wilde
- posted by Washi @ 1:29 am 0 comments
Friday, October 10, 2003
5 star butterball
It appears that Washi now has the Ex-girlfriend seal of approval from two sources. Which is disturbing, because I rarely get he seal of approval from ANY source whatsoever. I'm often found severely lacking. Which may or may not be a part of the reason for the miltiple ex seal. I'm not exactly threatening to them, no? :P
Just something of note I decided to share. Della Puppies!
- posted by Washi @ 1:50 pm 0 comments
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
Day late and $5 off.
My first day back at Uni for this term. Allow me to share with you the events. Firstly, I caught the earlier bus, much to my amasement. However, I did not get to flop after that, because the lecture theatre was full. Win some, loose some.
I was then visited by the RedBull girls, promoting RedBul to their key demographic - Uni students. I listened to their sales pitch and recieved a free redbul, which is pretty good since a can of that stuff is more then a bottle of Jolt Cola. It didn't taste any better then I remember it but, as they say, you dont' drink it bacause it tases good.
Then came the gap, between my Maths lectrue and my Design lecture. I filled it by messing around with some stuff and doing some homework. Which I will go back to in a moment.
My design lecture was... much as d esign lectures are inclined to be, which is to say "I'm sleepy..." And the morning ones wouldn't have been much better, as they are what I term 'too earliy in the morning to be sitting and listening'. Which is to say 9am. But then I got to go over Ri-chan's place, which was good. I had fun, and I got hugs. All went well.
So that's the rundown, for the moment. Just felt like sharing a little, y'know?
I'm gonna have so much trouble getting to sleep tonight, I just know it.
Ignore me.
"C Code. C Code Run. Run, Code, RUN! PLEASE!!!! "
- posted by Washi @ 11:34 pm 0 comments
Monday, October 06, 2003
Ant Music
Right now, to say that I deserve to be repeatedly hit over the head with a padded bat would... be pretty fair. I have so much to do, and I've done... so much nothing.
I've gone through all but two of my books for my essay, and I've yet to watch my video (I'll have to do that tomorrow, no two-ways about it. It's due back tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow, it's my brother's birthday. I don't have anything for him. Some sister huh?
I've still not done anything to my mask, which I intended to get the skeliton of some time over the holidays. Cross that off the list. I've not yet worked out how to fix my 4th Java practical. That's something I really, really have to do by the end of this week. I haven't got a prayer in hell. I also have to do six (Count them - six) more storybord plans for my Graphic Design for Multimedia course. But this essay's been taking up so much time - as has my merciless procrastination. This is one heck of a time to decide to be emotional.
Ah yes, that... Sure, I may as well. This is a pre-typed bloggie after all. More procrastination to ye.
I've been feeling - and acting - a little odd. For a while now, I think. It seems that just as sometihng is resolved, I find something else to stretch myself thin over. It's served to remind me of a few things, if nothing else. And I'm so frekin tired right now, I think I may just try to explain it.
Now, I know I'm probably not emotionally the most well equiped chickedee in the world. I don't know anyone who is. I am poison to myself and others. I treat people badly, and then feel bad because of it. Which is a good thing, but the poison it produces just grows. And small imagined slights feed that poison, untill it doesn't just rot me, it rots those around me. And now isn't the time to be making my mother cry, yes? But in any case...
Over the past... almost a month, I'd say... Possibly it was more, but I'm sure there was a break in it around a month ago, so I'll start counting from there... I've felt... odd. It's the only way I can think of to describe it. It's like a pain, or a force that occasionally just stalks up behind me and swallows me, forcing me down to the floor with tears. It's just thought though, and not even valid or true... I'm not sure what's going on. But I can work backwards here.
On friday I was at the club, as per usual, after spending the night at Ri-chan's. I felt rather sore and stiff, and also a little run-down from all the work I've been not doing -_-, and the lack of sleep I got the night before (Which wasn't as bad as all that really, but I seem to have trouble sleeping at Ri-chan's place sometimes. Okay, let me rephrase that - in the same bed as. I sort of sporadically wake up to check on him and see if I can sneak in closer, which isn't good for my sleep paterns. Anyway...) And, as usually happens, I left with the crew from Ri-chan's game to get dinner at the markets. However, I was moving a great deal slower then they were - normally I'd either be able to keep up or Jemisard would hang back a bit or something, but since Jemi was ill I was taking her order for her. And I wandered behind them for a moment and honnestly began wondering exactly why I was following them. I certainly didn't belong there - I wasn't part of the group, and I no longer sat in on the games so I wasn't even an inanimate bystander. It was the sudden realisation that really, I didn't belong there and had no business being there. But then Ri-chan came back to walk with me, despite the fact that I was going so slowly. It was frustrating - I was very close to just ducking into a doorway and crying it out. But, again, Ri-chan was there. It made me feel horribly guilty when I knew I should let him talk to his friends, because they were trying to cut down on pre-game talk-time. And when I get guilty, I start to get depressed. It was a shame, because I'd just (Or so I thought) gotten over the previous 'I don't know what to feel' chain of events by achieveing a small success, which was now neatly leapet over by the combination of aches, fatigue, guilt and my own stupidity. So we droped out of the march early and sat down, and we talked for a while.
I didn't realise I scared him so badly. I knew I woried him, and while I wanted to alay those fears, that he realised all was not normal was a small comfort, and I know many girls would agree a rare and valuable trait. And he'd mentioned such before - that he worried when I withdrew, because it was pulling away from him. But he looked so scared and sad, and it doubled the guilt. But I suppose it's the same thing. I know I never want to leave him, no matter how confused or hurt or scared I get. But he doesn't know that - not for certain. Just like I don't know for certain.
I love him. I love him so much that it scares me - because I decided, when I decided that I loved him, that I'd give him everything I could. Anything he asked for, as though somehow that could weave a spell over him and keep his love. And he has everything. But that leaves me vunerable and unprotected, so that even the smallext splinter can burry it's way into my lungs. And I need more then he is capable of giving, so I'm going to get hurt. Small things come up, and combine with other small things to produce a cumulous mass of a large thing that, in actuality, means nothing. But since I don't know how to vocalise what I want, and probably wouldn't if I could, that's my own frekin' fault. A word said here, or a lack of words, manipulation there - It all coagulates into a series of small boats floating in my veins and getting backed up as they enter the heart. And they always seem to find the way there...
But I know I poison others as much as I poison myself. I remember, the last time I tried, that it was part of the reason I fled. I knew the poison in me would consume him, as it drowned me. So I ran. But I don't want to this time - because the thoughth of being without him is a large, sharp sword rather then just a tiny splinter. It's because I love him that I feel this way.
I don't think I'll go into that any further. There are other things to discuss. Like frogs. Frogs are nice. They're cute, and they go 'croak' and there usually not slimy at all. Toads are sort of lumpy, but you can't hold that against them.
In any case, I think that will do for now. I go back to uni on Tues. W00t. Later.
"Satan is the best friend the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years."
~ Rule nine of Satanism.
- posted by Washi @ 1:24 am 0 comments
