Only happy when it rains

Just a quick post - I want to go inside and get a mothers-day picture done. I've got a sudden urge to draw. The birthday card I made for mum (For her to give to a child she looks after) went down well - She coloured it herself ^_^. I always want to draw more when that happens. I want to draw a zombie as well, and a Kali, and an Orion, and some more TBE and a me... But for now I'm unlikely to finish the Mothers Day pic, so let's not get ahead of ourselves washi girl...

I have to do some study for logic and some more work for Multimedia and some research for Tech Comm as well. I'll probably go strait to bed after buffy though - I can't stay up late again tonight, I have a math test tomorrow. And I think I nearly died today I was so tired. I dropped off to sleep during all my lectures and I zoned out during my prac prep and my test.

Whoops - Liam just came online. Guess I'm not heading in as soon as I thought. Ah well, I can at least get some homework done while I'm out here.

"Kill the Superheroes."
- posted by Washi @ 8:21 pm 0 comments

 
Raining Confusion

This past weekend has been an unusual stream of emotions for me. Somewhat bitter-sweet I will perhaps retell it somewhat.

I spent Thursday night and Friday with Liam. We went to see Salad Days, which had a friend of his in it. We were late, but I rather liked it. Of course, we ended up staying up for an ungodly ammount of time, and the poor boy was so tired for the rest of the day - I felt really bad about that. I shouldn't be keeping him awake, it isn't fair. But he ended up staying at my place a little longer then he should have after his Friday night game (Which is actually rather cool to sit in on, since it's really interesting) which wasn't good for him either. Another mark against Washi.
The next day we had Lyasa's 21st. I was actually looking forwards to it, and not just because I could get dressed up like a pirate wench. I rather like some of these people, they interest me if nothing else. Of course, the day itself bought up memories of making Zoe sad, and I wondered how she was doing on her camping trip. In retrospect, it may be one of the reasons I went strait for the punch rather then the softdrink early on. I usually pace myself much better then that. Anyway, Ledi asked me to go around her place before she took me to the party (I'd originally arranged to go with Liam, but he seemed so exhausted... I didn't want him to feel like he had to come, and Ledi wanted to go. So I adjusted the plans) to help her with the finishing touches to the costume. She looked good, by the way. She went on for a while about how her playstation couldn't be modded and how she was going to have to pay the extar for another one that could be, as well as negotioating with her father to put some money towards it. I don't agree whith her draging her father any further into it, but I suppose it's fair enough. She can do what she wants with herself.

Anyway, we were one of the first to turn up to the party and proceded to chill and say 'arh' a lot. Ledi was very aloof about her not drinking, although blaming it on her age and her father rather then simply saying she didn't drink. Good for her for not drinking though. In any case, I had fun. It was one of those parties where everyone sits around and talks to each other, although in this case I didn't mind as much because I could join in in places. Although there were some drinking games played, and not Never Never, which I rarely got to drink during because they always asked questions involving sex. I didn't expect Liam to come once five rolled around and it started to get dark (And I was alright with this - Although I really wanted to see him, I don't want him to be walking around like a zombie), and in short order I was fully hit by the three Rape and Pillages I'd drunk, along with the multitudes of punch. yes, I drank too much - I know that. I switched to beer to play Barron Munchousen, so I didn't fall out of my chair while saying "No sir, I believe..." Probably not a good idea really. I ended up getting a lot of it on myself, as my usual lack of co-ordination can be accentuated by alcohol. I still smell like beer... In any case, Liam did end up showing up. He was then more or less mob-hugged. He's a very cuddly person. I was soo glad to see him there - But then I'm always glad to see him and spend time with him. So shoot me -_-. It's probably one reason the poor guy was so tired ::sniffleguiltsniffle::

And here is another cause for teen angst in my small but pathetic brain. I was going to go home with Ledi at midnight, since that's when she always leaves parties and she was my ride home. But Liam was there, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't try to squeeze as much time in with him as possible before Uni started again. Ledi was not happy in the slightest. Turned out she wasn't having fun. But she wasn't having fun in a social way - She was giving every one else drinks and talking to people, rather then sitting in a corner drawing. Enjoying being the sober one, more or less. I didn't know this then, since she had yet to tell me she wasn't having fun. She wanted me to go home with her, not Liam. She didn't come out and say this though, she once again used her father as the excuse. Actually, only realised that when I went to type it. She went out the front, and I went out to tell her of my decision to hang with my boyfriend for a while longer. Her reply was 'I think I've worked out the part of me that wants a boyfriend. The part of me that's incredibly lonely'. I walked away. I didn't know what else to do - I know that what she was doing was, more or less, what she always does. She was laying the blame on me - trying to make me feel guilty. It worked too. I can't do anything to help her - I have to be so careful, treat her like glass, tred carefully, never say what I think or feel, never say no to her... and she won't accept my help when I give it, becuse I'm not gentle, and she doesn't listen to me when I am. They never hear me unless I shout too often. And I can't hlp her anyway - I don't understand what she wants from me, and I'm incapable of giving her what she tries to take from me. And it kills like crazy. Suddenly I was 16 again, and I wanted to die. So I did what I always do - I ran away. Back inside to the comfort of people, even the drunken masses.

I left with Liam not long after that. And let me just say, I was a sorry sight. I was a mess, I smelt of beer (Despite not drinking a lot of it) and I ended up throwing up at his place ::hangs head in shame:: (About an hour after I'd stopped drinking, no less...). I really expected him to put me in the downstairs room or something... I don't know exactly what. Not what happened, I suppose. Yes, I'm really mad at myself. But he was so wonderful- I got to be with him, and nothing seemed so bad any more. I have no idea how he does that.

That asside, I was extremely happy the next morning. I felt like singing, but I didn't want to wake anyone. When he went for his shower, however, I checked my mobile to discover I had an SMS from Ledi. I pobably shouldn't do this, since I'm sure it was ment to be a personal SMS, but I'm going to put it here. That way, even when I delete it, I'll always remember what it said.
"I thought you cared. The only reason I stayed that long was because you needed the ride then you just dump me like that. Don't you know how much that hurts?"
I started crying again. I'm crying now. I think I've ended up in tears more in the past five days then I have in the past five months (I burst into tears wednesday night as well, because I knew Ledi would be mad at me for having to go to the Uni on thursday, which she was.) I sat at the table crying for a moment before this irrational sence of anger rose up and swallowed me. How dare she say that to me. How dare she accuse me of not caring, when caring about her has driven me to despair and violence time and time again? How can she accuse me of not caring, when she doesn't give a rats arse about me anyway? She uses me, places all her hangups, and all her guilt, on me and expects me to carry it around for her. And she doesn't care about what's in my interests, what I want, what I need, or even how I feel. Because I can't possibly feel as bad as her, oh my life is just too perfect for that. I've got the loving parents and no family deaths, I've got the brains and all the oh-so-shiny awards, and now I've got the guy. And I know she hates me, and it may or may not be for those reasons. Yes I know how much that hurts, and maybe a part of me just doesn't care any more, or I wanted to bitch-slap her for making me feel like I was nothing but a toy she could bring out and force to do what she wanted. She'd have hurt herself anyway. She never told me she wanted to leave - I was expected to know. But I'm not like that, I can't spot these things. And I don't want to feel guilty for doing something I wanted to do instead of... what, just going home? I wouldn't have talked to her on the way, I rarely do and I would probably have been upset that I decided to go with her instead of where I wanted to go. And I was still drunk enough to say something to her that would hurt her anyway. She can't get money selling stuff, so I agree to help rather then do my own work. She couldn't ever do that for me - She's emotionally incapable of it. I have to help her, but I can't be better then her at anything - and I try so hard, I really do...

It isn't her fault - I know that, I keep telling myself that. She'd depressed, she can't help it. She doesn't realise how damaging she is to me, and I'm not supposed to tell her. It'll make it worse - I can't make it worse. I have to be good, say nothing to hurt her, say nothing against her, do as she asks... but I always do, and I always stuff up, and then I'm right back here. Crying by myself, hating myself for being so weak and pathetic, mad at her for making me have to be that way, mad at myself for letting it get to that. I have no courage, no tact, I can't do anything... I can't help it. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

Iduna's probably pissing herself laughing right now. I know you know girl, and You're right. But I can't do that - I don't know how. And I don't want her mad at me, I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'll be allright, I'll either get stronger or die. And if I die, then I wasn't worth keeping around anyway.

Anyway, back to the weekend. Sorry about all that - I'm glad that's out of my system. I'll find another way to get the rest out. Don't you hate it when you get frikkin tearstains on the back of your glasses? ::Growls::
I just realised, I can't tell Ledi what I prommised I would... That would make it even worse. No, no more - I'm not going to get into that again... I'm sorry, about all this crap. Teen angst is a bitch. I'm probably just PMSing or something.

Anyway, I think I managed to keep that to myself. I didn't want to upset Liam by being caught crying in the kitchen - I know he wants to be there for me, but sometimes it's just not good timing, or really worth the effort. And I didn't think I had the words to properly explain, And until I did I was just 'tired'. I know he reads this, so... I hope he understands. I love him.

Okay, look, enough of this crap huh? So I feel bad about the way I've treated my friends with respect to this weekend, and I've got so much guilt that it's threatening to choke me. I know I've made it sound like one long stream of bitter, but there have been some very sweet things to occur this weekend. I've felt worse this week then I have in a long while, but somehow none of it seems that bad. It must just be PMS again. I used to get that really bad. Once a month I'd loose all my friends through simple bitchiness, and I'd say this is similar. Ah well. It only lasts a week, right?

I shouldn't use my blog as a bitch center. Remember the days when I used it for detailed, coherent, philosophical mussings? Now I just use it to bemone how pathetic I am. On a lighter note, I've drawn a picture of An Lien that ammuses me. In the Thursday game a couple of weeks ago, We were fighting Ghasts and Hellcats. Fun huh? My character, being the only real combat character there, launched an attack at the cat. I rolled a 1. Those familiar with D&D will know what that means - Criticle fumble. She wound up slipping up in a pile of dead ghast (Thankfully I succeded in my save against being poisoned by it, by a small miracle). One of the mages then cast 'summon pony' and tried to squash the cat. it did't work, and it sent the pony smashing into the wall righgt next to my character, splattering her with pony gore. I was wildly ammused by this, since she's not terribly attractive at the best of times - Actually, she's down right unplesant. So I drew it last friday.

Okay, this Blog is too long now, and I've gotta go in for dinner. But first, an apendage (As I'm back from dinner now). I had a talk with mum, and tried to explain wht Ledi was unhapy with me. She proceded to rant. And she more or less told me to damn well enjoy myself and quit doing things for LEdi - She noted that Zoe and I seem to do a lot for her, seemingly without thanks to her mind (My mother is very oppinionated) and that we should stop. She seems to be very frustrated with Ledi right now too. made me feel a great deal better, actually. But I think she was wrong - Ledi's dad won't kick her out to get her to shape up. I think he'll just keep taking it.



You are the typical feminist, depressed, artist.
You go against the crowd and do everything you
can to be different. Too bad noone notices.
Try communicating with people, not just looking
down on them.


What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Me Daria! Me rock!


"... curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?"
Coldplay, Clocks

- posted by Washi @ 9:49 pm 0 comments

 
Warning: The following post contains Way Too Much Information

I've always tried to be honnest here - Despite the fact that what I think and feel has a habbit of changing as often as the wind does. So let's not shrink back now huh?

Yes, I am STILL a virgin. Yes, I know I have opportunity now - I'll get to that in a seccond puppies.

If that line made you uncomfortable, skip this post - it's only going to get worse.

I seem to be developing quite a list of people who want to know when that changes. God only knows why - They seem to take way more interest in me then I take in them, let's face it. And if it was Zoe asking, I'd undersand - She'd probably just be holding me to my own word. Yes, I did say I would probably sleep with my next boyfriend. I also didn't expect that to happen until I was about 20, so... But that's entirely beside the point, as Zoe's not the only one asking. Ledi's not so much asking as enquiring about any plans, and Todd already thinks... Alright, who cares what Todd thinks, come to think of it. And let's not go into my mother... If she asks me again... ::growls::.

It;s odd to think of it being everyone else's business as well. I can only think of one, possibly two people it really concerns. I guess inquiring minds want to know.

So well may you ask why I haven't taken steps to remedy the situation. A couple of reasons - First is that rather typical sense of fear, or at least nervousness. But that's not going to vanish, so let's move over that one. The seccond is a desire to make it as painless as possible. That shouldn't be too much of a problem... Then there's the threat of being poked and prodded. That's Afterwards, I mean - when my mother gets my lilly-white arse to the doctor for whatever tests she feels are necesarry -_- Definite mood killer. Which reminds me, I should talk about protection... I want to avoid catching pregnancy. I'm on the pill, but so was my cousin when she had her first. And possibly her seccond... Besides, to me it's a period pill that has som nifty contraceptive effects (Yet to be trialed, obviously)

Okay, that's probably going a little far into the realms of Too Much Information...

I should head in. I'm supposed to spend Today and Tomorrow with Ledi. But I'm bringing my school work, so I might be allright... Hoi...

Sorry about that. I just wanted to crystalise some thoughts. Thanks for tolerating it ^_^;;


"The lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Have brought me down upon my knees."
~Coldplay, Clocks
- posted by Washi @ 11:04 am 0 comments

 
While The Wheels Fall Off

It was after 5 am when I got to bed last night. When I walked into the house, I realised thre might be a subconsious reason for this.

I headed for my bedroom but had to pause in the hallway for a moment as, without warning, an immage from a bad dream I'd had the night before hit me. This suddenly filled me with an irrational sense of fear, and made it surprisingly dificult to get to sleep given that I'd been up since 10 the previous morning (After I was awoken by this self same image).

So what could inspire such fear in the heart of myself? Given the plethera of things I'm afraid of that's not such a bright question - carrots could probably have terrified me.

The dream was very similar to one I'd had previously - I think it was set in the same little costal place. I recognised some of the scenery, and not in the way that someone can see something completely foreign in a dream and be told that they know it. I didn't recognise that it was the same place until I woke up - A costal holiday-type place, with blue seas, blue skies and large cliffs. I don't remember the woman specifically from my last dream, but she may well have been earlier.

I (Or, at least, the lead character - It didn't look like me, but my mind asociated it with myself) was with two others - both male. The last time I had this dream one of them was my brother, but I don't think I actualy knew these two people. The grass was green, the day was bright and sunny and the trees were making patterns on the ground. I can't tell you what the trees actually looked like though - I know that they were there, and my mind will probably fill in the blanks later, but I don't remember them looking like much. There were small houses - like cottages - ahead of us. We had to get in to one, and for some reason I had a baby with me (The baby is new to the dream too). But the one we had to go onto had this woman in front of it. And this was the scary part.

The only real shadow was the shadow cast by the house (Which didn't comply with the rest of the light, I don't think, but hey...) and that's what she was in. She was gaunt, but not really emanciated like Cryptandra. Her skin was ashen grey, blotched and looked a little slimy from where we were. Her hair was a grey black and hung in rats-tails about her face and down into the ground. All you could see of her were her shoulders and her head, because the rest of her was either underground or didn't exist. The ground around her shoulders appeared to be slightly disturbed wherever she went, which made me think that the rest of her was just underground, like she had been burried, or had wored her way up from below. When she moved it was like she glided through the ground, or walked on somehing below it that only kept her head and shoulders in the area above. Her eyes were hollowed out, but vibrant. She was looking right at me and smiling, and I was terrified of her. The two guys who were with me ran away, which left just me and this woman, looking at me from the distance away. I dont' think I moved, but I do think I killed the baby rather then go near this woman. She was pleased about this, and she moved off quickly into another buildig (Through the door itself I think, but I can't remember for sure - mostly I was just scared). She glided back though and resmed her place. I was struglign to wake up during this, actually succedded in really coming out of the dream about here. Problem was, as I lay there I kept slipping back into it, and she was always there. I was awake enough to try to destroy her, but it didn't seem to work. Eventually I escaped to my island and sought refuge with the purple lady there rather then return to that dream. The island is something of a psychic refuge - the lady waits by a large old tree near a river over which an old branch has fallen. the grass is a pale green, the water is perfectly clear, and its a calming place. She listens to me, and I talk. Then I feel less inclined to have to rely on other people. Of course in recent times I've had my Blog, so I'm not going there as much either. Only when it's too far away.

It's hard to explain exactly what's so scary about something like that, especially when the atmosphere of the dream up to that point was in no way threatening, she made no actual move towards me and I wasn't physically threatened in any way in the dream. But I was so terrified that the fear hit again when I headed in to bed to attempt sleep.

This is one of the reasons why I was worried about what I'd eventually end up doing to avoid sleeping alone. When my concious mind doesn't provide the terror, my sobcontious finds a way. It's why I don't watch horror movies any more, try to avoid reading things that scare me or make me uncomfortable. Perhaps I jsut have too much imagination for my own good, and it hasn't been as exercised lately as it wants to be. So it's punishing me. But I don't want to be scared - If that means I end up staying up all night with a friend or two getting smashed or I go around picking up one-nights... Who knows. Maybe it'll go before I have to worry about it.

It's been getting better lately. This last attack was the first one for a while, so perhaps I'm getting over it.

The previous course of the dream was nowhere near as scary, although I can't remember a whole lot about it. This dream also reminded me of two others that have fled my mind - at least one of them was all in monochrome and extremly uncomfortable though, I remember this for certain. I could not tell you what the dream was though.

But enough on dreams and my own childish fears. On to some quizzes!


Cunilingus!


What Kinky Sexual Activity Are You?
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No! I am a dog person god damn you!! and I didn't like Titanic much, so....Nyah! I would have thought I was voyerism...


Cobra Commander!


Which Incompetent Cartoon Megalomaniacal Dictator Are You?
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"It all began with Adam. He was the first man to tell a joke--or a lie. How lucky Adam was. He knew when he said a good thing, nobody had said it before. Adam was not alone in the Garden of Eden, however, and does not deserve all the credit; much is due to Eve, the first woman, and Satan, the first consultant."
~Mark Twain
- posted by Washi @ 7:00 pm 0 comments

 
The Remedy Is The Experience

I'm very happy now. Procrastinating a little on the volujmes of work I have to do, but that's what I'm good at, so...

Now, to list the things I have to do soon.

The Mothers day picture I'm doing for mum because I'm povo.
The picture Ledi wants me to do of her Drow Ma'elzar. (She's becoming very insisant on it)
Finish reading the other four books for research. for one of my Tech Comm assignments.
Go through the printed research for another of my Tech comm asignments.
Study for my Logic test.
Study for my CIT test.
Finish the graphics for my Multimedia project.
Finish this request.

Why have I written it here? So that next time I come to procrastinate, I'll see this list telling me how far behind I am and mocking me. In all it's mockey goodness.

So... My easter. I spent most of it sleeping, to be honnest with you. Ledi got mad at me, and mum didn't bother to wake me up. Also told her I'd been drinking, which seriously didn't help the situation. I was too zonked to go really... Not from being up all night drinking or anything, just from being up all night. But I had fun, so skrew ya'all.

I have the house to myself again tonight. Maybe I'll walk down the halls nekkid and sing "I'm too sexy for my shirt" or something. Then again, it is rather cold...

My bro returns tomorrow. I'll try to be up so I can say hi to my father.

Okay, back to work bitch... But befre I go, some Quizzes! Mao!


You are the hidden beauty


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

These pictures aer outragously beautiful. Go see all the pictures! I rather like the one I got (And it is somehwat accurate, i suppose... More so then a lot of the others. I love the mystery woman's picture, the Temptres' picture ::faints:: The goth-kids dream and, especially... The fighter femme ^_^! Go forth and take the test for clarification! Iduna always has the best quizzes. I tried the 'what porno would you be in', but it sort of backfired on me because they don't have any of that 'first-timers' stuff, and nothing's sader then virgin porn. On the other hand, that picture of Alice was rather racey :Þ


avoidant


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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Destiny, you are the oldest of The Endless, you are
eternally chained to a book that holds the
secrets of the universe. You are all business,
never have time to even crack a smile, and
always make sure you do not draw too much
attention. You do not want people hunting after
you!


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Cute thing is, I was one answer away from Delerium. That's what I got the first time when, for a joke, I decided to describe myself as crazy. But then I accidentally shut down the brouwser, so...

Delirium, the youngest of The Endless, you are the
keeper of insanity, delusion and everything
else that's just plain crazy. You make about as
much sense as fish and telephone flavored ice
cream. You are truly your own person, and the
fact that your eyes don't match, your hair is
three different colors, and you have a floating
fish following you doesn't bother you any. You
have a truly unique perspective on the world,
and no one else knows what to think about it.


Which Endless are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


"So shine the light on all of your friends because it all amounts to nothing in the end."
~Jason Mraz The Remedy (I Won't Worry)
- posted by Washi @ 5:49 pm 0 comments

 
The Easters of our Lives

It's almost easter, so this year I will reminiss about some of the easters of my past.

The Easter Egg Hunt.
I awoke fairly early in the morning in a room whose dominant feature was the network of cracks that laced though the paint of the walls and celing. The floor was bare and the feel was, to be described politely, rustic. I loved it. The bed was large, but this may be a trick of my memory, as I was quite small at the time. My male cousins and brother had somehow ended up in this room - strangely, the detail of this has slipped my mind. I knwo we were locked in, and the sounds of footsteps echoed continuously up and down the halls. My cousin Kelly and my Aunt aren't exactly light-steppers. We were convinced they'd locked us in so that they could steal all our easter eggs. Eventually we were released and given a small piece of paper each, on which careful handwriting in a certain colour (One for each of us - I was pink) listed a short riddle, or clue, which would lead us to another location. Where another clue and a small egg could be found. It was a sort of easter-egg hunt, only this one was guided. The clues ranged all over her property, which wasn't as big as some of the others in the area but did surely allow for an interesting run. Eventually they led to a final hiding place, in which a basket (Which sadly seems to have vanished over the years, although I continued to use it for a long time) was heavilly laden with all manner of chocolate easter goodies. And, provided my memory is not playing a cruel trick on me, a rare treat was also included - a candy egg, one of the most beautiful things I'd seen at the time. It was almost a shame to eat it. However, there was a problem -
Mice. The property was infested with mice, as all the places outt here are. And the moucing terriers can't be expected to kill them all (There was a cat as well, who fed almost exclusively on mice). And my chocolate was just too much for them to resist. Several of my eggs and one of my bunnies had been chewed through, and not knowing wether the mice had crawled inside and had a little jamboree meant that those eggs were rather uneddible. So I had substantially less eggs then everyone else, but my delightful candy egg remained untouched. And there was still quite a bit of chocolate left. In short, I was made very happy.

Dunmovin Tracks.
Shift forwards. It's easter at 'Dunmovin'. An alarming amount of the mcgregor clan is present - many kiddies. We wake up in the morning and wander out to collect our eggs, and then wander outside. Where, in an excellent display of attention to detail, there were a massive set of rabits tracks and a pile of carrot tops (Which we'd left out the night before for the Easter Bunny). It helped to make it that much more magical ^_^;

Ace Rabbit.
Shift again. My aunt's house, but this time at Rapid Bay. The floor is covered with matresses where my mother, my self and my brother are sleeping. The room smells feitnly of pavlova and seaweed, which thankfully were not in the same dish. My mother has her hands behind her back and an ammused grin on her face. "Pick a hand" She instructs us. I managed to catch a peak, so I know which hand I want to pick. And thus Ace, the rather adorable stuffed white rabit toy, comes into my posession while my brother gets an adorable bunny with glasses, who was dubbed 'Grandpa'. These also came with a small easter egg hunt around the property, in which I managed to do very well all thigns concidered ^_^ The eggs were then split amongst me and my cousins and brother. If I remember correctly we then all walked down the slope to the beach below and chilled for the rest of the day while eating chocolate ^_^;

The Glint of Sunlight on Foil.
So now, let's reflect on an easter that DIDN'T involve the rest of my family. My brother sits in the kitchen, waiting impatiently for me to get out of bed. I look around the kitchen sleepilly and notice that there is an empty basked. Which can only mean one thing - Easter egg hunt. There have been a few easter-egg hunts at my fathers - I know that Alexandra was there for one, because my bro and I made an effort to monopolise the eggs. They'd all be distributed evenly at the end anyway. My brother and I eventually became fairly even in the egg-hunting game, although to begin with I was always best because I could spot them sooner and get there faster. My brother eventually got to be faster at getting there ^_^;

On a side-note, I decided that Ace was actually Bunny's cousin. Cool huh?

So how will this easter be spent? Well, fate willing, with Liam. My brother will be out at my fathers place and my mother will be at Manny's, which more or less leaves the house to me. With luck, I will also get no easter eggs :: Fingers crossed :: I also wanted to draw a picture for easter, but... Well, it would seem not, if I keep falling asleep. I will do my best though. I can already see it. It's a Good Friday picture, and probably offensive. I mean, I could do Tracey dressed up as a bunny a la 'Bridget Jone's Diary', which probably would only offend prudes who shouldn't be at my site to begin with... But where's the fun in that?

There are many more easters, but those are the ones that really stand out to me. Notice the lack of any sort of spiritualiy, unless you count the laughter and delight of children.


"Dust thou art; to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul."
~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

- posted by Washi @ 11:37 pm 0 comments

 
Lights Go Out

Henri got even more cute all of a sudden. It's because he's switched to his autumn colours and grew his hair out. And I gotsta see Butch yesterday! Okay, fangirlish moment asside...

"There's a lot of arse in that today..."

"You're taking all the space up in my head
with all the things that we could do and all the things that could be said
it's hard for me to understand the way i feel about you and
the way it made me feel to hold your hand
am i running out of time or am i at the starting line?
i know i missed the mark yet i just need some sort of sign
my words don't come out easily so i will tell you honestly
no one wants to spend eternity alone."

I know they're MXPX lyrics (And poorly re-typed, but that's the way it was written on the site) But I want to find the site I GOT them from. It was called 'Erys' love letter', but I think it's gone under. I'd like to do something similar one day. It was a kind of thought stream poetry, but it wasn't linear. It had branches and turns, expansions... I loved it, it was really powerful. Reve's little stram of conciousness from Kai's site is somewhat similar, which may be why I haven't doen it yet - I don't want to be seen as coppying someone so widely respected. Or at least so widely known. When I can think of something I can do that will make it my own, I'll do it.

Zoe asked me an interesting question. She asked me if I could think of just one thing that turned me on. It is a dificult question - Trying to work out that one, quintessential thing ... Neither of us really made it, because she herself had two. It's interesting for trying to determine what sort of person you are as well. Given the minute I had to think about it when she asked the question, I came up with 'Touch'. Which was a little more abstract then she was hoping for, but I'm an abstract sort of gall, so ::shrug::. Plus I have that odd 'phantom touch' thing going - Like when you spend an evening swimming, and feel like your still floating when you lie in bed that night. I accidentally knocked myself in the cheek with the back of my hand while trying to sleep once, and I woke up with the sensation still there. No damage was done, and it wasn't a particularly hard knock, just that my nerves held onto it for some reason. If you're injured I can understand, because your nerves are supposed to tell your brain when damage has been done to some part of your body, but if there's no injury there is no reason for the sensation to continue registering. But this isn't what I wanted to discuss, although I could probably rant about it untill the cows came home. Given the time to really concider the question though, I think I can add another object to the list - one I don't know why I missed the first time around. Music! Anyone who knows me knows I get strange with music. 'Shine on you crazy diamond' comes on, and I tell everyone to go shut up and go away for the next ten or so minutes while I trip out on some musical acid. Other songs have other effects, and while I'll debate the whole 'Jazz is sexy and classical is calming' angle, there are certain styles and notations that, for some reason, can just send shivers up your spine. And not because they're particularly spooky. Hes, I'm aurally inclined - I can't help it. It's because my eyes are bad, so the usual trimmings - The car, the clothes, etcettera, seem less important. You've all heard me babble about how sexy some voices are - Shadow, Scar, Sly, etcetera... Hey, they all begin with S! Anyway... The tone makes them very, very sexy. There are songs that are the same. So that's added to the list.

Today's trip down too-much-information highway was bought to you by... Bill and Ben the Flower Pot Men!

Ecchibi!!

I went to Liam's last night. Yes, I did have a good time. Thankyou for asking. Actually, it was a little bit like being in a diferent culture all of a sudden. The suburb looked the way I imagine Tabitha's neighborhood to look, except the blocks of land were smaller. Very rolling and neat and green, where almost all the hoses were two story and the layout was extremly urban and meandering... It was like stepping into a diferenct class structure all of a sudden. And his house was so gorgeous - It reminded me of my fathers place somewhat, since the architecture features and built-in sections were somewhat similar... But that may just be because I'm used to living in little bungalows with worn cream carpets, seventies decore and mis-matching worn old furnature. Which is comfortable, but not the sort of thing you'd ever see in a magazine. Dad's house is also a little mis-matched (As it contains both his and Jennefers furnature, which do not, of course, match at all) but the layout makes it look more like someting you might see in a magazine. And not as a 'before' shot. Liam's place was simply gorgeous - And it was decorated with a lot of oriental... Bric-a-brac? Probably not the right word, but anyway... Which, of course, automatically made me fall in love with it.

I don't know that I've written in here before, but I've often said that what I want out of life (At this infantile stage of my existence) is a good computer, a small dog and a small place of my own, that I can decorate the way I want - Possibly a three-room apartment (A kitchen, a bathroom and a living area ^_^;), with a couryard or balcony where I could gro vegetables or plants or... something. when I think of the way I'd like it to be, it's always decorated in a very oriental style - low tables, close to the ground (Since I'm happier when I'm close to the ground ^_^;;) in shades of dark and red or green, with splashes of purple to stand out... Perhaps a I know, being able to see it that vividly is a bit lame. Especially given that the chances of me ever actually having it ::shrug:: Perhaps one day I'll get the good computer and the small dog.

The point I'm bringing across here is - I liked the way it looked ^_^;;; Okay, I'm an idiot. Ignore me.

But I really did like spending time with him. Liam I mean, not the small dog. That'll be a her with luck - They tend not to smell as much. I know a lot of the people who used to know me would laugh - The Angel of Ice, melting? The world must be ending. I'm surprised myself. I'm supposed to be shy and emotionally barren. Maybe that stupid certificate had a point - "Their interior's as warm as their exterior's cold". Damn tacky poetry...

Gonna leave off now. I don't want to take another trip down too-much-information highway... oh what the hell, one short trip.

When I got home, mum was doing the creepy 'sitting in her chair' thing. I sat down, she gave me the creepy mother smile and asked me how my test went. I'd already planed out the answers to the questions I KNEW she would ask earlier, so I gave her my score, the percentage and the likely grading of said test. She then asked wether I had fun at liams - I hand't actually planned for that one because it's fairly easy to answer 'yes' and 'we watched videoes' to that litle class of questions. And then it came - I was anticipating the question, so I had my answer pre-prepared. She asked "So... Did you sleep with him?"

My answer? "Define. What do you mean by 'Sleep'?"

That was actually sort of funny - She stumbled for a moment before she worked out what I was on about. So we got things clarified, and she said she was proud of me. Not that she'd mind if I had of course, she went on to inform me. Having a nurse for a mother is a pain sometimes, but at least she can administer a flu-vax.


Mum: "Logic test? You should talk to Spock."
Me: "Spock would probably say that our logic was illogical."
~Me and mum discussing maths.
- posted by Washi @ 6:13 pm 0 comments

 
Reptition Repetiton

I wrote out this freekin' huge post about my weekend yesterday, but I seem to have tried to send it while Blogger was actually down, so it was all gone. I'll sumarise first and then try to re-expand on some points.

My weekend: Watching the video snippets and playing Baldurs Gate II
Baldurs Gate: Including the thief quest, Athkatla, Yoshimo, Edwin... Actually, especially Edwin. I probably dwelt on Edwin too long. But... you know... The nether scroll!
Today: The test and going to Liam's, including my unusual sense of nervousnes (Or the lack of right now...) and my tallent for 'stuffing things up'

So, what should I expand on? Well, first, the amazing fighting candy was damn funny if I do say so myself. Shin is cool because he is purple, and still remains all short and purple when he fuses with Kubito. Hazah. Tux is very funny. I got to see why some episodes were cut out of the American series ::coughpantyshotcoughh:: Sailor moon spends an awful lot of the last episode naked huh? And a star-seed really isn't great cover.

The Nether Scroll quest is one of the best in BG2, not the least reason being that Edwin gets turned into a woman. Hey, it may have saved his life. Plus you get to tell him he has a nice rack. Coming close is the Stone in the Chicken quest, ("There's a WHAT in that chicken?) which hearkens back to the Melencamp quest of BG. I'm easily ammused.

Looking forwards to seeing Liam but nervous, of course. Although I've yet to die of fright, which is a good thing.

Okay, heading inside now to wait placidly for the time to catch my bus.

And the last part of the last post was where I quoted...

"Turn the radio up for that sweet sound
Hold me close never let me go
Keep this feelin' alive
Make me lose control

When I look in your eyes, I go crazy
Fever's high with the lights down low
Take me over the edge
Make me lose control"
~Make Me Lose Controll, Eric Carmen. Have you ever listened to the words? It's a little bit 'Little Red Corvette', but not quite so explicit ^_^!.
- posted by Washi @ 9:10 am 0 comments

 

Strategic Gamer


(results contain pictures) What type of GAMER are you?
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CRAZY EYES


What kind of anime eyes do you have? (picture results)
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HARDCORE OTAKU


(results contain pictures) What type of anime otaku are you?
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It's becuse I'm not flirting with my ex and I've seen the End of Eva enough to be able to talk along, trust me. Personally, I would have takem me for the funny otaku, but yey.


WANNABE BITCH

You know...you don't HAVE to be a bitch of you
don't want to. Maybe you're just not cut-out to
be a bitch. But don't worry! Being a bitch
isn't all that great. You're not missing out on
a thing!


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Time-Waster


Are you wasting your time?(pics)
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I also got 'hardcore hentai' of all things (No, I'm not sure how either - probably because I just didn't click the tame ones, but tried to avoid anything mentioning tentacles)... But I think the picture might be just a touch too strong to put up here ^_^ The Yuri picture was soooo pretty though, and the non-hentai was the sweetest thing I've ever see ^_^!
- posted by Washi @ 11:49 pm 0 comments

 
Itsumo, Itsumo, Itsudemo!

Does anyone else think the girl in the post below isn't so much flat-chested as just not overly pronounced? I mean - I've heard of flatter, if not actually having SEEN them on anyone ever the age of ten. Young teenage girls are shy about these things.

Just returned from pagans, which I enjoyed as much as I usually do ^_^. But lets rewind the day a bit first...

Morning. Uni. I tell the story of how I nearly cracked my skull open. The teacher looks shocked. My story isn't the most ridiculous one there. Next lesson - Logic lecture. I either zone out or fall asleep at the end of it, because I wake up to find the lesson's over and there's a whole lot more writing on the board. I see a large and and a dying bee, and then I head into the city, where I meet up with... Iduna! Which was great, because it gave us a chance to do some catching up in person. And I gots ta see her tattoo! Which must have looked wierd to anyone walking into the toilets at that particular moment ^_^;; I then picked up a costume item and headed home, where I ate as quickly as possible and headed off for Pagans at the Pub with Zoe. Which we arrived for 1/2 an hour early, amasingly. Tonights lecturer, once again, didn't show up, so we had a lecture on divination and the Tarot, which I personaly found thoroughly enthraling. I really do enjoy these. Plus next month they're holding a masked fire procession that I'd absolutely adore being a part of - I could wear my Eagle mask. I'd just have to keep the feather mane away from the open flames. I suppose I'll think about it closer to the date.

Now that I've calmed dwon a bit, I'll talk about something else I thought of tonight. Todd once sid to me that he knew how I felt about Manny, because he hated the guy his mother was dating. I said 'I doubt that somehow'. Alow me to explain exactly why.

My mother hs been seeing Manny for over 7 years now. He lived with us for a short time. First and formost, his son irritates me. He's so loud and he's a compulsive lier. But that's not important. He moved in with us while we were living in the Royal park house, which may be the bigest actual house we've ever lived in. One of the rooms smelt like cat-piss and the back yard was barely a cort-yard, but definitely one of the better ones. In any acse, Manny brought home this truckie friend of his named Russle to live with us. I believe I was 14, possibly I was younger. I guess it was good that his job required him to be away so much - I didn't like him, and I didn't think it was fair to bring a guy like russle anywhere near my brother, who was young and ipressionable. Mum agreed, somewhat. I can't remember what she did - But I think what we did was move to another place. The rent on that place probably went up anyway, and mum decided he couldn't live with Manny. But she didn't break up with him. I don't think she's happy with him, but then I'm not sure my mother would ever me happy with anyone. It just went on for a while... Untill we reach our presant state. Which is to say, Manny owns the ouse we live in. he keeps threatening to sll it and is raising the rent - actually, he already has but it's not as high as he wants it to be. Mum can't break up with him, because he wont be just friends - All or nothing I guess. And if they can't associate, we can't stay here. Actually, he was really making an effort to sell the place until mum threatened to break up with him - then he stopped trying. Which may be one reason mum stays - it gives her some measure of controll. She was an idiot to move itno a house owned by him in the first place, which I knew the seccond we moved in. But what could I say, I'm just a silly girl who knows nothing about relationships or the way the world works. And although mum is convinced He'd never hit her, having heard about the incident with his sister - No, I have no faith I guess. Although a part of me is fairly certain she does have some tentative level of fear held over him, iI don't know that it will hold up if she makes him really mad. I hope I don't have to find out.

It's a fairly standard, habbit-formed sort of thing. He comes over occasionally for a home-cooked meal and to sprawl out on the couch with our dog. She goes over to his place every seccond weekend, when he doesn't have his son. She doesn't really like him much either, and she's more tolerant of these sorts of things. Hell, she's got me and my bro pretty much whipped. She bitches to me a lot about him, but that may just be because she really needs more good friends. Or that she likes an ear to bitch to that doesn't have a whole lot of choice but to agree ^_^;;

So in any case, how do I feel about Manny? Tired, mostly. I hate him in a sort of tired, consistant, passive way. I hate seeing him, hate hearing his voice in my house, hate knowing it isn't my house at all - it's his. I don't talk to him, dont' associate with him - try not to be in the same room as him. He grates on my nerves. And I hate that my mother doesn't have someone better, wether Karma decides that she deserves one or not. It's probably because what I look for in someone for her is someone who will treat her nicely and is good to my brother and I. It's probably too much to hope for some sot of love - although maybe it's possible. I dislike their relationship I suppose - it scares me a little. And maybe I am just a little girl who doesn't know the way the world works, but I don't think this is a helthy place for my mother to be. But the question is - If we do move, will she really drop him Or is a seven year habbit such as him too hard for her to drop? Maybe they'll just go on and on, just for the sake of companionship and to shit each other off.

Like I said - What do I know? Just a child. I do know that I think of my father and his new mariage in the oposite light. Like something that was ment to happen finally did.


"When everybody thinks alike, Nobody thinks very much"
- posted by Washi @ 1:13 am 0 comments

 
Warning, this post contains nudity. You have been warned...


FLAT


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Look, Washi got nipples into her blog :Þ I thought I'd get small - that girl looks more like me. She's just... holding a towl. As opposed to wearing nothing ^_^;;


-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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I don't buy that. Not with the song 'I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts' selected ^_^;; Go figure. Everyone I know's gotten that.
- posted by Washi @ 5:40 pm 0 comments

 
Testing, testing, one two...



What Shoujo Mascot Are You?



Who's Your Anime Boyfriend?



Who's Your Anime Girlfriend?

There's a kind of tweaked sence to the last two. Especially given I'm still in the 'Squeal when you see Ryoga!' category ^_^;
- posted by Washi @ 10:05 pm 0 comments

 
The sea of confusion

I did so unbelieveably badly on the Java test I may as well have answered the whole frikkin shebang. I passed - by four marks. I'm very pisesd of at myself. What kind o shiznit is dat? ::snarl::

It's Monday. Means I get to see Liam. Yay!! I'm also getting picked up today, which is mondo goodness. I can go home and finish this assignment, then I can try to do some stuff for my other assignment and workout my Java Prac for tomorrow, since I won't have that 3 hour break to work it out in. And talk to Liam, If I'm lucky.

None of my personal pictures are working at the moment. I'm so depressed about that. I can get these boring little portrate pictures down pat, but try to put in a scene... Bah. Hell in a hand-basket. And I have a couple of ideas, but not a single one will work. Make the puppy sad now.

This furbit cauctionisn't doing so well. I think I'll remake the profile picture and put up another one, since at the shape of things the current one wont' get very high, and I really do need the money. Hey, if anyone wants a Washi Original, even an Anime one, give me a gingle and I'll make you a deal.

At the momet, Ledi wants me to draw for her for the chance to see Sailor Moon -_-. Hell, I suppose you can't get someting for nothing, but at this rate I'll be doodling all the characters in da D&D group. Which isn't a bad thing, since I can actively barter with these people, rather then net people who have to take my word. I get less money, but they end up feeling like they got a good deal.

I need something sweet -_-

"Hamlet, the mentally disturbed Danish prince, woke up one morning and posed the question of wether or not to be."
~Patricia, demonstrating when NOT to paraquote.
- posted by Washi @ 12:38 pm 0 comments

 
Zoe is mad at me, apparently. So is Fay. I'm such a bad person -_-
- posted by Washi @ 5:10 pm 0 comments

 
Tongues and Bubblegum is a Very Interesting Comparison

Yes, I know, I'm posting more then once in a day again. But I go for days without posting, so I think you can allow it, yes? Please say yes...

"Well I tried to make it sunday..."

I just got back from EB. Liam was nice enough to give me a lift back, despite me being so frikkin far out of his way... Yay!! I want to give him another hug or something. Who knows what I want 9_9. Well, I can take an educated guess I suppose... Wooo, I'm thinking! Must stop... To late to think... coke adling my brain!

Meanwhile, my dining room smells funny. A strange mix of stagnant teenage boy and eucaliptus insence. I'm pretty sure it was Eucaliptus, because it was either that or Yland Ylang, and that's supposed to be mine. But, either way... Dad got back from his honeymoon! I missed his visit because I was at EB, and I'll probably miss almost all of his subsequent visits because he pops over on a Friday at around six, and I'm usually gone by then to the club. Maybe next weekend I'll stay home and make sure I see him... But.. Meeper! I wanna go see Liam. I'll probably give both he and Zoe a ring tomorrow, have a chat... and stuff 9_9

That's the seccond time I've used that Emote. It's not a common emote for me, so... go figure.

I've been mixing up my letters something awful. Bad Washi!!

Ooo! I don't think I mentioned this before... I went and saw The Truth with Ledi, and I recognised the guy playing Otto!! He waent to my school, and was in the School Musical the year I was a monkey. He left that year and, apparently, joined the Unseen thearte company. He was always an interesting guy, so I should start stalking him. He was very cool, and did a flippin BRILLIANT Otto. I belive hes name was Bryan. And so, I say... Rock on Bryan, rock on ^_^! Strangely, my most vivid memory occured during the performance - One night, for no clear reason, the three main male's of the piece (Tartan, the Director and Teddy in the play, Tim, Bryan and Aaron respectively) got out and began to dance on the drama blocks positioned on the stage. Very sexy ::chuckle:: - All the ladies certainly aplauded. It was because during Teddy's little number, some of the Jungle Cats got out and started doing some sexy dances behind him. And the guts could not be outdone.

Just one of the reasons I love participating in musicals. I love acting. I love singing. I like the idea of putting them together. I dont' appear to be that bad at acting, but I'm far from briliant. My range is relatively low, I'd say... Tonight, for example, I was attempting quiet interest and a little uncertanty. Apparently, I just looked scared. Hoi...

Still, I enjoy being someone else for a while. Some people would argue that it's because there is no actual me, but I'll debate that. Me is the one who keeps me awake at night by quietly terrifying myself. Me is also the one in this blog, so Nyah to you all! Me just happens to change with the phases of the moon, more or less. And for now, I am much happy and fuzzy. You know why.

Why can't I be this elloquent when I talk? I'm not even that elloquent when I write. Alas, I lack the soul of a poet, and the understanding of my emotive processes to put them into words. You may have noticed that - My language tends towards the scientific, rather then the poetic. I don't describe - I'm about as sharp as the flat edge of a sledgehammer. And about as subtle.

Enough. It's frikkin 2:30 am.

"Now I'm gonna love you 'till the heaven's stop the rain
I'm gonna love you 'till the stars fall from the sky for you and I."
~The song on the radio now, no da!
- posted by Washi @ 2:36 am 0 comments

 
Rathama!

My god... There were so many typoes in that last post, I think I'm going to scream.

Leak was Leah by the way.

I'm indominably happy today. I have to rmember to call Zoe sometime.

"Mina de Wa ha ha!" Yes, that song isn't doing anything to drag me down. I feel like getting up and doing a hoe-down. I think I will. Hold on...

Yehaw!! Hoe-down Yodling!!

As you can see, my mood has improved substantially since my last post. The bulk of that is, by far, owed to Liam, who is quite simply wonderful. I'm not as good with the poetic praise as he is, but the word 'Uber-buzz' comes to mind. I know, not even a week and I already adore him like the little puppy I am -_-. I can't help it - It's like he glows. You may hurl the grapes of wrath at whatever time you so choose. But you won't make me frown! Wa-hey!

I've finally completed my site cleanout. I know, it took me frikken long enough. 350 pictures deleted, and my space back down to well under half. Go me!

I get cold pizza for tea tonight. Go me ^_^.

CD change time! The fotty's on my Radio Station, so it's time to play the CD library. Shall I go 'Misc 1', 'Bond: Born' 'Bond: Shine' or 'Out of this world' I wonder... ::hrmm::

Okay, now I really, REALLY have to work on my assignment. Many people have been stumbling across this Blog. One guy even thinks he knows who my double is - Apparently her name is Lauren. Creepy huh?

"Part of the memory is reflected in the flowing water
I vowed to my heart never to repeat that memory ever again"
~Mizu Kagami, Chichiri song.

- posted by Washi @ 3:31 pm 0 comments

 
::hugs Iduna:: I'm so proud of you ^_^!
- posted by Washi @ 1:04 am 0 comments

 
Rock and Roll Drems on Repeat

And some of my older readers will know what that means. Yes, it's that mood. I think i'm going to cry...

I was at the club today, and Ledi learnt I was going out with Liam. Fair enough - I'm noever certain how to tell people these sorts of things in any case, so it's good that she worked it out.

But what does she do then? She flips to the last page of her folder, where she keeps a photo of my and her cousin Nikk (Who is also my one and only ex, as some readers will know). She then warns Liam that 'this is the boy I crushed'. Which she does on a frequent basis. To many people who not only barely know me, but don't know him at all. So now, I wish to rant on this.

Firstly, I would debate I crushed him. I broke up with him. I was his first girlfriend, so I'm sure that always hurts. I refused to go back out with him twice, which gives him some definite points for persistance. After me, he dated someone below him and then another of my frineds, a pretty blonde and slightly girl who is one of the most bouncy people I know.
I haven't dated since. Until now, duh.

Some people might think this cruel - Personally, I think agreeing to go out with him in the first place was the meanest thing I've ever done to the poor boy. but I did really like him - He didn't sace me like prety much every other person in school. Which was strange, because he was the most violent, self-destructive and near homicidal guy in the year. He's famous for throwing a chair at someone who pissed him off. And yet I was so mean to him, and he never lifted a finger.
The fact of the matter is, I couldn't handle him. I coudn't talk to him, I couldn't make him stop damaging himself or being an iddiot, and being around him made me want to run razor-blades up and down my arms. I believe at one stage I tried to do that with a compas, but he took it off of me. Suffice to say, we wernt' a healthy couple - I'd make him want to do him self in, he'd make me want to write 'place pointy end in here' across my chest.

What? Every teenager goes though their self-violence stage.

Which is why I wouldn't go back out with him, even though he asked me twice. I didn't like feeling that way. His cousin makes me feel that way some times, I don't need to feel that way because of him. And he could do better - One of my most vivid memories was Leak giving him heaps. He just sat there sullenly and took it, which made me rather proud of him. She then turned to me and asked me if I was going to stick up for him. And you know what my response was? 'Why?'. Seriously, this girl terrified me that much that I couldn't even stand up for my guy in her presence - I felt so horrible about it. Another point in my 'Washi is a Bad Person' collumn, which is much more full then my 'Washi is not a bad person' collumn 9.9

Plain facts, I was bad for him, and a bad person in general. I'm still a bad person, but now I'm away from him and feeling less self destructive. It wasn't caused by him, I'm sure... I think it was just triggered by him. Ledi may think I crushed him, but I think in a sence I may have saved him. I certainly saved myself.
The problem was, for the longest time I had this horrible feeling that I would probably never end up with anyone else, and that someday I'd go back to him. And then I'd be just like my mother - and the notion terrifies me to the core.

Yes, I am a bad person - I've been so mean to Zoe lately, and she's the only person who actually seems to like me for who I am, besides Iduna. Ledi says I don't talk to them. Well duh. I can't tell them anything - I don't know how. I can't tell Ledi anything because it just makes her feel bad - Every little good thing that happens to me is a failure on her part. For every time someone tells me I'm good, it's like telling her she's bad. She can't stand to see anthing positive happen to me. Which may explain why she's so keen to get me back with her cousin. So I don't tell her anything except the minor bad stuff. Nort the really bad stuff, because she doesn't want to hear that. She likes believing her life is worse then mine - it validates her. That's why she puts me down so often. And I let her - Because it's just easier that way. because she's all I have, and there's nothing I can do about that, so She can call me names and tell me how terrible I am untill she feels better about myself - I can just cry it off and be as good as normal the next day. No, it probably isn't healthy. That's the price I pay.

But Washi, I hear you say, Why then don't you tell Zoe? Because that's not really fair either. I know i'm lucky, and I know that she's a very strong person, but she can't take py issues as well. They're mine alone, and I will deal with them as I choose. Besides, I never know how to talk to her. I know she'd say she'd never judge me, that I'm her oldest and dearest friend but... Let's face it, I'm benieth her. Below her - and I've known since year 9. Since she turned on me after the singel most ridicuous incident of my life - how she didn't believe me and supporetd Amanda in her erin-bashing attempts. It still hurts, because to me it wasn't that long ago, and it was just one more in a long line of people who disliked me. She says she'll never turn on me, but I've seen how quick she is to seek revenge, how vengeful and simple her view on people really is. And I find myself unwilling to test that by telling her how I feel. Maybe she would understand, but I don't think it would be the same. And I don't tell her anything important that happens in my life because -- I don't know how to bring it up with her. Talking to her about things close to me makes me feel sick to the stomach - Like I'm going to throw-up. It's much easier to slip and knock myself out to make her like me again then it is to talk to her. I'll always be there if she needs me - and don't become vengeful very easily. Todd's worn away at my tolerance since I've known him, and I'm still not at the stage where I'd actively try to do anything against him. Amanda hurt me worse then anyone else ever has - Even worse then Kerrin and Anita or Robert did... Even wose then Nicholas' little scene, which I think I've written about before but may have to reitterate. And I still think, if she need my help and it was within my poser, I'd try to do something for her. It's not that I'm nice - It's that I'm stupid and a doormat. I wouldn't know how to say 'no'.

So I don't talk - I keep my silence. If they ask, then I will tell - But otherwise I show to no man what I see. It's just easier - It hurts less, and they dont' get mad at you if you don't tell them things. They don't have to pretend to be happy with you. Or not pretend, as the case may be, and tell you you suck. Which it's easier to agree to then refute, so we'll leave it at that. I don't talk to my parent's either, come to thnk of it - I don't know how. I can remember my mother bursting into tears because I wouldn't tell her what was wrong with me, but I didn't know how. I never know how - I can't talk well. The words mix up and come out wrong, and it isn't what I mean at all - It's just a series of cliche's. But it's easier to leave it that way. I can work it out by myself - It makes a person stronger to be so independant. And the hermit IS my tarrot sign after all.

And 'Rock and Roll Dreams Comes Through' continues to play. I feel a bit better now though - I may not have to cry myself to sleep tonight ^_^! Lucky Washi!

I should probably go inside and have a shower. But I want to stay out here and talk to Liam. I know I'm seeing him tomorrow, but... still... I know, Washi is a very, very sad puppy.

And now, the lyrics to my 'Washi's in one of her moods again' song - 'Rock and Roll Dreams Come Though' by Jim Steinman. Hey, believe me, if I had it I'd be listening to 'Shine on you crazy diamond' and a variety of other Pink Floyd music...

----------------------------------
You can't run away forever
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start!
You want to shut out the night, you want to shut down the sun
You want to shut away the pieces of a broken heart

Think of how we laid down together
We'd be listening to the radio so loud and so strong
Every golden nugget coming like a gift of the gods
Someone must have blessed us when he gave us those songs

I treasure your love, I never want to lose it
You've been through the fires of hell
And I know you've got the ashes to prove it
I treasure your love, I want to show you how to use it
You've been through a lot of pain in the dirt
And I know you've got the scars to prove it

Remember everything that I told you, and I'm telling you again that it's true
When you're alone and afraid, and you're completely amazed
To find there's nothing anybody can do
Keep on believing, and you'll discover baby

There's always something magic,
There's always something new
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through

The beat is yours forever,
The beat is always true
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through
For you

Once upon a time was a backbeat, once upon a time all the chords came to life
And the angels had guitars even before they had wings
If you hold onto a chorus you can get through the night

Remember everything that I told you, and I'm telling you again that it's true
You're never alone cause you can put on the phones
And let the drummer tell your heart what to do
Keep on believing, and you'll discover baby

There's always something magic,
There's always something new
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through

The beat is yours forever,
The beat is always true
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through
For you


"I'm having a mental breakdown, and it's not even my breakdown!!"
~Me.
- posted by Washi @ 11:57 pm 0 comments

 
That Day is Fine

Well, monday sure ws busy huh? Tuesday was a bit calmer, except that Iduna emailed me (Which is goood ^_^) and mum gave me a verbal bitch-slapping for, essentially, being a doormat. I can't help it - passivity is in my nature -_- How else would I put up with all the crap? Or my mother, come to think of it. Fo course, the idea ho me going off into the wilderness with an old man and an 18 year old boy made her uneasy to begin with.
So now I'm not going. I'm relieved, but I have this overwhalming urge to call up Zoe and apologise profusely to her.

There's an encyclopedia of death and dying. Quirky.

Anyway, Thursday tomorrow. I look forwards to my Thursdays ^_^; And I'll get to see Liam, which is uber-spiffy ^_^ wooo... exessive emoting again.

Olivia's promised to update her blog more. I tried to link her blog from mine, but it didn't work last time. so I'll try again. I'll set up a 'blog buddies' list and a 'other journals I read' list, since Dani has a Deadjournal and I'm in the habbit of reading Lyn's Livejournal and Mara's Deadjournal (ooo, I'm being all stalky and... stuff ^_^;;)

Which reminds me, I ant to put up my Huskie fan-art. It's very bad, but it ammuses me, so... it's SO un-huskie-like that it makes me want to gnaw my foot off.

Thanatology. Now THERE'S a science I could get in to ^.^

Government agencies bite donkey nuts. Especially when they cut off payment for not filling in forms you didn't recieve. Bad agencies!!

I wonder if the World Book Encyclopedia would have more info on what I need...

I got quoted in Livvy's Blogger! Coolness!! Oh, until I get her link down the side there, You can check Iduna's blog out here. So do so! Make that little sword counter sing puppies!! Not that I get a whole lot of people here anyway ^.^;; Mostly just me, ammusng myelf with year-old blogs. I shoudl put a counter up for a week and not go to the site myself, see how many clicks I get. I'm thinking... 1.

Ah well, I'm gonna head off towards my next lesson. I was an hour late last time, and I really DO NOT want to do tht again ^_^;;;

"Let the midnight special shine a light on me."
~Midnight special puppies :Þ
- posted by Washi @ 1:39 pm 0 comments