Admit it, at this very moment you want to bitch slap me from here to Towomba.

Yesterday was a somewhat chaotic day. Not in deed, but in my own mind. All it all, it wasn't the most plesant. But ranting as such is very theraputic. I bored myself to sleep with an exacting self assesment at the end of it, but as I couldn't get to sleep until midnight I started running out of things to tell me. By the by, I'm completely screwed today. I'm so tired, and I've got to use my brain in overdrive for the rest of the day. Joy for me huh? Not that I've got it any worse then anyone else, you understand. I know I live the golden life, you don't need to tell me. I have both parents, a brother I have a distant understanding with (He's growing up too. Becoming a man and all that. Pretty soon he'll have to shave regularly), and the posibility of a second mother figure being introduced (Along with twin stepbrothers, which still leaves me with the prised position of oldest and female). People seem quietly confident in my abilities to be better then those around me. But that's not good enough, is it? Not when you're 'perfect'. I have the suport, the infostructure, the framework - I have the feminist founding, the imput of cold rationality, and the fire of irrational behavioral patterns. I have the memory, the ability to discount information which confuses my teachings - And as a direct result, any failure on my part can only be brought down to the fact that I am at fault. Somewhere in there my thinking was flawed. I can't blame anyone else - I'm not trapped in the behavioral patterns of one or more parents, I'm not pressured into any form of narcottic, I lack a signifigant other to concider - It's just me. That's why it stings when things don't seem to go right. It's not because it's the best I can do, it's because, with all the advantages I have, my best should be higher. If I can't keep in touch with friends and hold a friendship together, it's because I could not develop the emotional structre necesarry to make it work. If I don't see people, it's because I am the one distancing my self from them. If we have nothing in common, it's because I'm not trying to understand the things they like, or the choices they make. And if there not there, it's because neither am I. And it's importan to realise these things.

When things go wrong, it's easy to rant and rave and curse the skies. It's not as easy to simply get what you want to say out of your system and deal with the concequences. If you engage your defence mechanisms, be prepared for the fallout. I for one am afraid of people, and I'm easily intimidated. My solution is usually to associate myself with people I don't find threatening. But if these people become threatening, I can lash out as a 'Hit them back first' maneauver. It's not an uncommon situation, but most people find themselves higher up in the inherent social structure then I. Those at my level have a tendancy to be more reclusive, and only say things they have either carefully calculated to get a certain responce or are using to show they have a certain degree of knowledge on the topic provided. And let no one tell you there is no social structure - It's the essence of humanity. Everyone has their own place, and each place is another brick in the foundation pyramid. But it's not necesarrily got anything to do whith social status. The biker down the street may have a higher social position then the doctor on the highway - It depends on who backs down when the conflict arrises, and who gets out of who's way. Fights - Real fights - mostly occur when social level is about equal or when one of a lower social level is simply feeling very aggressive and wants to move himself up. It's like living in a freekin massive dog pack. And everyone has their own ways of keeping themselves safe.

Not that My way is the best of course, but it doesn't work too badly for me. It won't continue though - Eventually my body clock is going to succumb to the fact that I am a young female, and subsequently have all the flaws and emotional glitches inherent in my genetics. I don't know if men are much the same or not - After all, most of them are missing a branch off of their chromasome tree, and this causes their mental processes to be wired somewhat differently. But likely there is a guy out there who is almost my exact mindset archtype. If I meet him, I will be sure to break his nose for you.

I think it's important to understand yourself. Not just the good points or the bad points, but the whole package. Why you do what you do, and what ideals suport these actions. It doesn't have to necesarrily be a bad thing - I can give honnest assesments of my friends and their mental responses, and still love them dearly. At the moment I may not like them much, but that doesn't meen I don't love them. Too many people think they have to come together, which I'll admit disturbs me a little.

Anyway, if you're reading this, think about it and ask yourself why certain things bother you while others do not. It's often the best place to start.

"I will not make my house a den of naked midgits!"
~Something Positive
- posted by Washi @ 12:51 pm