The following post was written on the 21st, just as my modem burnt out. Please pretend that's what the date says.

Diamonds on the Souls of her Shoes.

A day has passed. The speach night and formal have both occured. I will now relate, as best I can, the events governing these two issues.

Firstly, the speach night. It was more entertaining then last years, likely because I zoned out somewhere in the middle and got to move around a lot more. TRy to stay with me as I chronicle this though- In the after math, it's hard to convey how happy I actually was for a short time there.

I went up and got my school records. Easy enough. I watched dances. fun, if nothing else. The rock band played. The lead guitarist rocked. I got cought in a sway, which is a little like getting caught in a mexican wave except you can't just stay seated, because a sway in a mob enforced activity. Wasn't half bad.

Then there were the awards. Some of the awards went to people who, I felt, really deserved to get something simply because they were either nice people or people who wern't nice but wern't pretencious and up themselves. I doubt many people would have thought such about me however.
All in all, I won four awards. One for English, one for Visual art, and one for Physics in the 'top of the class' department, and the Don Dunstren award for the arts in the 'visual arts' category. I didn't win the information processing but I suppose that's not really a surprise since by and large my attitude to that class was that it was either below me or beyond me. I need things very clearly explained. I had no hope in hell of getting maths.

So what did this get me, apart from a lot of exercise and the surprised look on the face of the person handing out the awards? $100 and a $50 art supplies voucher ^_^ $100 because it turns out that the physics prize comes with $50, twice as much as the others. Which I've cashed in and used, by and large, to pay off my mother. I was asked by soe why I wasn't made 'Dux of the school' when I won as many awards as the actual dux, with her Dux award included. The answer was simple. My english class is a class of about 10, while my art class is a class of 8 or so when people bother to turn up. It's not hard to be the best in a class of 8 - I got a B for Engligh in fact, and a B for PIP. Therefore, I didn't condtend for Dux, which usually involves a strait A student. It's the mechanics of the event.

So, all things concidered, I should have been proud of myself or something, yes?

I would have, but I had a dampener on my night which tainted the following night as well and, despite all practicality, taints my mood now. I don't like being hated. Dispite all my sense of self, I will often find myself trying to change who I am just so I don't become hated, which disgusts me. I dumbed down my speach so that people could understand me, in some vague hope that this would somehow allow people to like me better. Which is probably accurate, as I wouldn't make people feel stupid any more. In recent times I feel like I'm a Communist in Nazi Germany. I have to be so careful with what I do, prevent the wrong information from getting into the wrong hands... But there's no way to hide it when you're up on a frikkin stage in front of everyone. The truth is, I am hated. Not because I'm a bad person, as I would normally expect, but because of what's good about me. I'm hated because I'm thin, because I do the work, because I'm good at what I do and work hard to be good at it. And I'm hated for all that by a friend.
Ledi wanted the art award. She didn't turn up to school for most of the second semester because she was depressed and instead she stayed home and played video games. Yet she still thought she would win it. But then I won it, and she ducked away and I didn't talk to me untill much later that night, at which time she proceded to tell me how much she hated me and everything about me. She's made me promise not to do things because she wants to be better then me. She doesn't even admire or even respect me - She hates and envy's me. And I hate that she won't just let me be me, and perhaps be happy for me. I mean, if someone wins something and you win nothing it hurts a little, even if it is someone you know. But you can usually congratulate them and at least be happy that it was someone you know rather then someone you hate. But I guess if I get something she DOES hate me, and she can't let me be happy about it. I then had to listen to her repeatedly say 'If I had showed up, I would have one the award'. Which I don't doubt, as in her desperate seeking of praise she frequently runs through why she's the best, and most people are impressed by that. That's the basis of the Resume after all. And she is good- She is the better 'Artist' if you will. But I do the hours and the work. And that's what those pieces of paper said, more or less. But you can't expect to get something if you don't turn up.
On the day of the formal she announced that she wanted to have another circle gathering. I have a feeling that it is because she wants to yell at me some more. She wants my mother to give her encouragement, which I have to remember to talk to her about.
The thing is, I don't think I'm happy with my circle of friends. I have nothing in common with my best friend short of history, and when we're together we spend most of our time not talking. That and I'm a little uneasy with reguards to her boyfriend... I might have discussed that earler. My other friend hates me, and I'm too tired to be around the final member of the circle, who will at least never envy me for any reason and is thereby almost the best of the lot.

A part of this desire for praise is also a desire to criticise as a form of self vindication, which I am taking as a character building activity. And she wonders why I'm avoidng spending a lot of time with her...

In any case, we moved on to the formal and we danced and ate and it was rather fun when Ledi wasn't talking about me or... well, too me in many cases. We assessed what everyone was wearing, deciding that some people looked good and some people had picked clothes for their personality rather then their body. Which wasn't always a bad thing, as one person showed by wearnig a tartain tux with tails, waistcoat and top-hat. He looked pretty spiffy to me.
We saw the 'Year 12 Memorial Video', which had the most ammusing scene in which Nikk walked towards the camera (Bedecked in casual clothes, school bag and sunnies as he was almost always at school, none of which are technically allowd) while 'bad to the bone' played in the background. Most people were ammused by that. My big scene was me saying that Elephants layed eggs, in reguards to the tape ball.

Ah yes- The constant at both functions was the Tape Ball. What was te Tape Ball? Well, it was a large ball of sticky tape. Mostly sticky tape. Over the course of the year, diferent types of tape - from duct tape to the clear plastic stuff, had been wrapped around it to form the current Tape Ball, which is larger then a basketball. Larger then most balls you use to play sports. There are Freddo and Caramello Coala wrappers in there somewhere as well. It made an appearence at the Speach night before being confenscated by teachers who recognised it in a vague way. And some who, having lost tape to it or having had it rolled around their rooms, were not so vague about it. Most of the grade was asked to sign it. It wasn't physically present at the formal, but it had a whole section of the year 12 video dedicated to it.

Jimmy Barnes V John Lennon? They bringin' out the big guns now...

In any case, apart from loosing a lot of ice-cream and subjecting myelf to my immediate frinds, the night was good. I sometimes wonder why some people are so against the Formal. I've often said that it is the only chance I will probably ever have to be beautiful, so why would I turn that down? i will certainly never see many of these peole again, probably never talk to them, and It is somewhat nicer to remember them as neat and almost upper-crust type people rather then the mongrels many of us are. It makes me feel like my social station is higher then it actually is. And I will now have photos of the people I went to school with looking their best, which is a plus in itself. And being popular has nothing to do with anything - Three of the 'less popular' girls were not only the first ones up and dancing but the first ones who had clearly decided to have fun, rather then go out on the balcony and have a smoke. Which I suppose some people may concider fun, but it doesn't have the vicarious energy flow of actually mving about and being animated.

Enough of this.

"Why can't I be somebody else?
Somebody who isn't too cool to believe it's okay to be just me"

- posted by Washi @ 10:52 am