Raining Confusion

This past weekend has been an unusual stream of emotions for me. Somewhat bitter-sweet I will perhaps retell it somewhat.

I spent Thursday night and Friday with Liam. We went to see Salad Days, which had a friend of his in it. We were late, but I rather liked it. Of course, we ended up staying up for an ungodly ammount of time, and the poor boy was so tired for the rest of the day - I felt really bad about that. I shouldn't be keeping him awake, it isn't fair. But he ended up staying at my place a little longer then he should have after his Friday night game (Which is actually rather cool to sit in on, since it's really interesting) which wasn't good for him either. Another mark against Washi.
The next day we had Lyasa's 21st. I was actually looking forwards to it, and not just because I could get dressed up like a pirate wench. I rather like some of these people, they interest me if nothing else. Of course, the day itself bought up memories of making Zoe sad, and I wondered how she was doing on her camping trip. In retrospect, it may be one of the reasons I went strait for the punch rather then the softdrink early on. I usually pace myself much better then that. Anyway, Ledi asked me to go around her place before she took me to the party (I'd originally arranged to go with Liam, but he seemed so exhausted... I didn't want him to feel like he had to come, and Ledi wanted to go. So I adjusted the plans) to help her with the finishing touches to the costume. She looked good, by the way. She went on for a while about how her playstation couldn't be modded and how she was going to have to pay the extar for another one that could be, as well as negotioating with her father to put some money towards it. I don't agree whith her draging her father any further into it, but I suppose it's fair enough. She can do what she wants with herself.

Anyway, we were one of the first to turn up to the party and proceded to chill and say 'arh' a lot. Ledi was very aloof about her not drinking, although blaming it on her age and her father rather then simply saying she didn't drink. Good for her for not drinking though. In any case, I had fun. It was one of those parties where everyone sits around and talks to each other, although in this case I didn't mind as much because I could join in in places. Although there were some drinking games played, and not Never Never, which I rarely got to drink during because they always asked questions involving sex. I didn't expect Liam to come once five rolled around and it started to get dark (And I was alright with this - Although I really wanted to see him, I don't want him to be walking around like a zombie), and in short order I was fully hit by the three Rape and Pillages I'd drunk, along with the multitudes of punch. yes, I drank too much - I know that. I switched to beer to play Barron Munchousen, so I didn't fall out of my chair while saying "No sir, I believe..." Probably not a good idea really. I ended up getting a lot of it on myself, as my usual lack of co-ordination can be accentuated by alcohol. I still smell like beer... In any case, Liam did end up showing up. He was then more or less mob-hugged. He's a very cuddly person. I was soo glad to see him there - But then I'm always glad to see him and spend time with him. So shoot me -_-. It's probably one reason the poor guy was so tired ::sniffleguiltsniffle::

And here is another cause for teen angst in my small but pathetic brain. I was going to go home with Ledi at midnight, since that's when she always leaves parties and she was my ride home. But Liam was there, and I wouldn't be me if I didn't try to squeeze as much time in with him as possible before Uni started again. Ledi was not happy in the slightest. Turned out she wasn't having fun. But she wasn't having fun in a social way - She was giving every one else drinks and talking to people, rather then sitting in a corner drawing. Enjoying being the sober one, more or less. I didn't know this then, since she had yet to tell me she wasn't having fun. She wanted me to go home with her, not Liam. She didn't come out and say this though, she once again used her father as the excuse. Actually, only realised that when I went to type it. She went out the front, and I went out to tell her of my decision to hang with my boyfriend for a while longer. Her reply was 'I think I've worked out the part of me that wants a boyfriend. The part of me that's incredibly lonely'. I walked away. I didn't know what else to do - I know that what she was doing was, more or less, what she always does. She was laying the blame on me - trying to make me feel guilty. It worked too. I can't do anything to help her - I have to be so careful, treat her like glass, tred carefully, never say what I think or feel, never say no to her... and she won't accept my help when I give it, becuse I'm not gentle, and she doesn't listen to me when I am. They never hear me unless I shout too often. And I can't hlp her anyway - I don't understand what she wants from me, and I'm incapable of giving her what she tries to take from me. And it kills like crazy. Suddenly I was 16 again, and I wanted to die. So I did what I always do - I ran away. Back inside to the comfort of people, even the drunken masses.

I left with Liam not long after that. And let me just say, I was a sorry sight. I was a mess, I smelt of beer (Despite not drinking a lot of it) and I ended up throwing up at his place ::hangs head in shame:: (About an hour after I'd stopped drinking, no less...). I really expected him to put me in the downstairs room or something... I don't know exactly what. Not what happened, I suppose. Yes, I'm really mad at myself. But he was so wonderful- I got to be with him, and nothing seemed so bad any more. I have no idea how he does that.

That asside, I was extremely happy the next morning. I felt like singing, but I didn't want to wake anyone. When he went for his shower, however, I checked my mobile to discover I had an SMS from Ledi. I pobably shouldn't do this, since I'm sure it was ment to be a personal SMS, but I'm going to put it here. That way, even when I delete it, I'll always remember what it said.
"I thought you cared. The only reason I stayed that long was because you needed the ride then you just dump me like that. Don't you know how much that hurts?"
I started crying again. I'm crying now. I think I've ended up in tears more in the past five days then I have in the past five months (I burst into tears wednesday night as well, because I knew Ledi would be mad at me for having to go to the Uni on thursday, which she was.) I sat at the table crying for a moment before this irrational sence of anger rose up and swallowed me. How dare she say that to me. How dare she accuse me of not caring, when caring about her has driven me to despair and violence time and time again? How can she accuse me of not caring, when she doesn't give a rats arse about me anyway? She uses me, places all her hangups, and all her guilt, on me and expects me to carry it around for her. And she doesn't care about what's in my interests, what I want, what I need, or even how I feel. Because I can't possibly feel as bad as her, oh my life is just too perfect for that. I've got the loving parents and no family deaths, I've got the brains and all the oh-so-shiny awards, and now I've got the guy. And I know she hates me, and it may or may not be for those reasons. Yes I know how much that hurts, and maybe a part of me just doesn't care any more, or I wanted to bitch-slap her for making me feel like I was nothing but a toy she could bring out and force to do what she wanted. She'd have hurt herself anyway. She never told me she wanted to leave - I was expected to know. But I'm not like that, I can't spot these things. And I don't want to feel guilty for doing something I wanted to do instead of... what, just going home? I wouldn't have talked to her on the way, I rarely do and I would probably have been upset that I decided to go with her instead of where I wanted to go. And I was still drunk enough to say something to her that would hurt her anyway. She can't get money selling stuff, so I agree to help rather then do my own work. She couldn't ever do that for me - She's emotionally incapable of it. I have to help her, but I can't be better then her at anything - and I try so hard, I really do...

It isn't her fault - I know that, I keep telling myself that. She'd depressed, she can't help it. She doesn't realise how damaging she is to me, and I'm not supposed to tell her. It'll make it worse - I can't make it worse. I have to be good, say nothing to hurt her, say nothing against her, do as she asks... but I always do, and I always stuff up, and then I'm right back here. Crying by myself, hating myself for being so weak and pathetic, mad at her for making me have to be that way, mad at myself for letting it get to that. I have no courage, no tact, I can't do anything... I can't help it. I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

Iduna's probably pissing herself laughing right now. I know you know girl, and You're right. But I can't do that - I don't know how. And I don't want her mad at me, I don't want to hurt anyone else. I'll be allright, I'll either get stronger or die. And if I die, then I wasn't worth keeping around anyway.

Anyway, back to the weekend. Sorry about all that - I'm glad that's out of my system. I'll find another way to get the rest out. Don't you hate it when you get frikkin tearstains on the back of your glasses? ::Growls::
I just realised, I can't tell Ledi what I prommised I would... That would make it even worse. No, no more - I'm not going to get into that again... I'm sorry, about all this crap. Teen angst is a bitch. I'm probably just PMSing or something.

Anyway, I think I managed to keep that to myself. I didn't want to upset Liam by being caught crying in the kitchen - I know he wants to be there for me, but sometimes it's just not good timing, or really worth the effort. And I didn't think I had the words to properly explain, And until I did I was just 'tired'. I know he reads this, so... I hope he understands. I love him.

Okay, look, enough of this crap huh? So I feel bad about the way I've treated my friends with respect to this weekend, and I've got so much guilt that it's threatening to choke me. I know I've made it sound like one long stream of bitter, but there have been some very sweet things to occur this weekend. I've felt worse this week then I have in a long while, but somehow none of it seems that bad. It must just be PMS again. I used to get that really bad. Once a month I'd loose all my friends through simple bitchiness, and I'd say this is similar. Ah well. It only lasts a week, right?

I shouldn't use my blog as a bitch center. Remember the days when I used it for detailed, coherent, philosophical mussings? Now I just use it to bemone how pathetic I am. On a lighter note, I've drawn a picture of An Lien that ammuses me. In the Thursday game a couple of weeks ago, We were fighting Ghasts and Hellcats. Fun huh? My character, being the only real combat character there, launched an attack at the cat. I rolled a 1. Those familiar with D&D will know what that means - Criticle fumble. She wound up slipping up in a pile of dead ghast (Thankfully I succeded in my save against being poisoned by it, by a small miracle). One of the mages then cast 'summon pony' and tried to squash the cat. it did't work, and it sent the pony smashing into the wall righgt next to my character, splattering her with pony gore. I was wildly ammused by this, since she's not terribly attractive at the best of times - Actually, she's down right unplesant. So I drew it last friday.

Okay, this Blog is too long now, and I've gotta go in for dinner. But first, an apendage (As I'm back from dinner now). I had a talk with mum, and tried to explain wht Ledi was unhapy with me. She proceded to rant. And she more or less told me to damn well enjoy myself and quit doing things for LEdi - She noted that Zoe and I seem to do a lot for her, seemingly without thanks to her mind (My mother is very oppinionated) and that we should stop. She seems to be very frustrated with Ledi right now too. made me feel a great deal better, actually. But I think she was wrong - Ledi's dad won't kick her out to get her to shape up. I think he'll just keep taking it.



You are the typical feminist, depressed, artist.
You go against the crowd and do everything you
can to be different. Too bad noone notices.
Try communicating with people, not just looking
down on them.


What kind of typical high school character from a movie are you?
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Me Daria! Me rock!


"... curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?"
Coldplay, Clocks

- posted by Washi @ 9:49 pm