Rock and Roll Drems on Repeat

And some of my older readers will know what that means. Yes, it's that mood. I think i'm going to cry...

I was at the club today, and Ledi learnt I was going out with Liam. Fair enough - I'm noever certain how to tell people these sorts of things in any case, so it's good that she worked it out.

But what does she do then? She flips to the last page of her folder, where she keeps a photo of my and her cousin Nikk (Who is also my one and only ex, as some readers will know). She then warns Liam that 'this is the boy I crushed'. Which she does on a frequent basis. To many people who not only barely know me, but don't know him at all. So now, I wish to rant on this.

Firstly, I would debate I crushed him. I broke up with him. I was his first girlfriend, so I'm sure that always hurts. I refused to go back out with him twice, which gives him some definite points for persistance. After me, he dated someone below him and then another of my frineds, a pretty blonde and slightly girl who is one of the most bouncy people I know.
I haven't dated since. Until now, duh.

Some people might think this cruel - Personally, I think agreeing to go out with him in the first place was the meanest thing I've ever done to the poor boy. but I did really like him - He didn't sace me like prety much every other person in school. Which was strange, because he was the most violent, self-destructive and near homicidal guy in the year. He's famous for throwing a chair at someone who pissed him off. And yet I was so mean to him, and he never lifted a finger.
The fact of the matter is, I couldn't handle him. I coudn't talk to him, I couldn't make him stop damaging himself or being an iddiot, and being around him made me want to run razor-blades up and down my arms. I believe at one stage I tried to do that with a compas, but he took it off of me. Suffice to say, we wernt' a healthy couple - I'd make him want to do him self in, he'd make me want to write 'place pointy end in here' across my chest.

What? Every teenager goes though their self-violence stage.

Which is why I wouldn't go back out with him, even though he asked me twice. I didn't like feeling that way. His cousin makes me feel that way some times, I don't need to feel that way because of him. And he could do better - One of my most vivid memories was Leak giving him heaps. He just sat there sullenly and took it, which made me rather proud of him. She then turned to me and asked me if I was going to stick up for him. And you know what my response was? 'Why?'. Seriously, this girl terrified me that much that I couldn't even stand up for my guy in her presence - I felt so horrible about it. Another point in my 'Washi is a Bad Person' collumn, which is much more full then my 'Washi is not a bad person' collumn 9.9

Plain facts, I was bad for him, and a bad person in general. I'm still a bad person, but now I'm away from him and feeling less self destructive. It wasn't caused by him, I'm sure... I think it was just triggered by him. Ledi may think I crushed him, but I think in a sence I may have saved him. I certainly saved myself.
The problem was, for the longest time I had this horrible feeling that I would probably never end up with anyone else, and that someday I'd go back to him. And then I'd be just like my mother - and the notion terrifies me to the core.

Yes, I am a bad person - I've been so mean to Zoe lately, and she's the only person who actually seems to like me for who I am, besides Iduna. Ledi says I don't talk to them. Well duh. I can't tell them anything - I don't know how. I can't tell Ledi anything because it just makes her feel bad - Every little good thing that happens to me is a failure on her part. For every time someone tells me I'm good, it's like telling her she's bad. She can't stand to see anthing positive happen to me. Which may explain why she's so keen to get me back with her cousin. So I don't tell her anything except the minor bad stuff. Nort the really bad stuff, because she doesn't want to hear that. She likes believing her life is worse then mine - it validates her. That's why she puts me down so often. And I let her - Because it's just easier that way. because she's all I have, and there's nothing I can do about that, so She can call me names and tell me how terrible I am untill she feels better about myself - I can just cry it off and be as good as normal the next day. No, it probably isn't healthy. That's the price I pay.

But Washi, I hear you say, Why then don't you tell Zoe? Because that's not really fair either. I know i'm lucky, and I know that she's a very strong person, but she can't take py issues as well. They're mine alone, and I will deal with them as I choose. Besides, I never know how to talk to her. I know she'd say she'd never judge me, that I'm her oldest and dearest friend but... Let's face it, I'm benieth her. Below her - and I've known since year 9. Since she turned on me after the singel most ridicuous incident of my life - how she didn't believe me and supporetd Amanda in her erin-bashing attempts. It still hurts, because to me it wasn't that long ago, and it was just one more in a long line of people who disliked me. She says she'll never turn on me, but I've seen how quick she is to seek revenge, how vengeful and simple her view on people really is. And I find myself unwilling to test that by telling her how I feel. Maybe she would understand, but I don't think it would be the same. And I don't tell her anything important that happens in my life because -- I don't know how to bring it up with her. Talking to her about things close to me makes me feel sick to the stomach - Like I'm going to throw-up. It's much easier to slip and knock myself out to make her like me again then it is to talk to her. I'll always be there if she needs me - and don't become vengeful very easily. Todd's worn away at my tolerance since I've known him, and I'm still not at the stage where I'd actively try to do anything against him. Amanda hurt me worse then anyone else ever has - Even worse then Kerrin and Anita or Robert did... Even wose then Nicholas' little scene, which I think I've written about before but may have to reitterate. And I still think, if she need my help and it was within my poser, I'd try to do something for her. It's not that I'm nice - It's that I'm stupid and a doormat. I wouldn't know how to say 'no'.

So I don't talk - I keep my silence. If they ask, then I will tell - But otherwise I show to no man what I see. It's just easier - It hurts less, and they dont' get mad at you if you don't tell them things. They don't have to pretend to be happy with you. Or not pretend, as the case may be, and tell you you suck. Which it's easier to agree to then refute, so we'll leave it at that. I don't talk to my parent's either, come to thnk of it - I don't know how. I can remember my mother bursting into tears because I wouldn't tell her what was wrong with me, but I didn't know how. I never know how - I can't talk well. The words mix up and come out wrong, and it isn't what I mean at all - It's just a series of cliche's. But it's easier to leave it that way. I can work it out by myself - It makes a person stronger to be so independant. And the hermit IS my tarrot sign after all.

And 'Rock and Roll Dreams Comes Through' continues to play. I feel a bit better now though - I may not have to cry myself to sleep tonight ^_^! Lucky Washi!

I should probably go inside and have a shower. But I want to stay out here and talk to Liam. I know I'm seeing him tomorrow, but... still... I know, Washi is a very, very sad puppy.

And now, the lyrics to my 'Washi's in one of her moods again' song - 'Rock and Roll Dreams Come Though' by Jim Steinman. Hey, believe me, if I had it I'd be listening to 'Shine on you crazy diamond' and a variety of other Pink Floyd music...

----------------------------------
You can't run away forever
But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start!
You want to shut out the night, you want to shut down the sun
You want to shut away the pieces of a broken heart

Think of how we laid down together
We'd be listening to the radio so loud and so strong
Every golden nugget coming like a gift of the gods
Someone must have blessed us when he gave us those songs

I treasure your love, I never want to lose it
You've been through the fires of hell
And I know you've got the ashes to prove it
I treasure your love, I want to show you how to use it
You've been through a lot of pain in the dirt
And I know you've got the scars to prove it

Remember everything that I told you, and I'm telling you again that it's true
When you're alone and afraid, and you're completely amazed
To find there's nothing anybody can do
Keep on believing, and you'll discover baby

There's always something magic,
There's always something new
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through

The beat is yours forever,
The beat is always true
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through
For you

Once upon a time was a backbeat, once upon a time all the chords came to life
And the angels had guitars even before they had wings
If you hold onto a chorus you can get through the night

Remember everything that I told you, and I'm telling you again that it's true
You're never alone cause you can put on the phones
And let the drummer tell your heart what to do
Keep on believing, and you'll discover baby

There's always something magic,
There's always something new
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through

The beat is yours forever,
The beat is always true
And when you really really need it the most
That's when rock and roll dreams come through
For you


"I'm having a mental breakdown, and it's not even my breakdown!!"
~Me.
- posted by Washi @ 11:57 pm