Again with the Crap Already...

Soemthing has happened. Ledi SMS'ed me asking why I wasn't over. I got home at five, by the way - Which is about the time I would have gotten to Ledi's had I bothered to go. Even with rushing, I'd have made it by 4:30 at the earliest, and mum wanted to pick me up at quater-to six. What's the point?

I said I decided not to go over because I had work to do, and Liam probably had some stuff he had to do for school too. She wrote back that Zoe was glaring at me. I was, of course, sorry for upsetting Zoe, but I found myself becoming increasingly angry at Ledi. I explained that I had to finish an assignment due this friday, and wednesday was realy the only day I could finish it. I then asked her if she was still sick, since she'd missed school Tuesday due to illness (She informed me) and she replied with 'No, not any more. Disappointed yes, depressed yes, but not sick.' And I suddenly got so angry I threw my mobile phone half way across the room and sat down in the middle of the room to cry.

Mum thought I was coming down with a cold.

I really do feel sorry for leaving Zoe there. But It sort of occured to me - Why was I introducing my boyfriend to my best friend at her place? Shouldn't it be at my place? Or on neutral ground? And if I hadn't said I'd come, would Ledi even have invited me? Well, probably not - And that rather disturbs my mother. She thinks it's wierd - Her theory is that Ledi's thying to at least get guy friends. I know it irritates me that Todd's always over her place, especially when I think it's going to be just me, Zoe, Lauren and Ledi, and I wonder if it would irritate Zoe if somehow Liam ended up going over her place all the time. I imagine it would, since she can't stand it when we all talk about Anime or Video Games or Roleplay. Then again, Liam does live further away then Todd does, although not a whole lot - about 10 minutes or so.

Paris was talking today, and she mentioned something about her mother saying something about a guy that actually made her realise how creepy and wrong he was. The same sort of happened to me.

Maybe it's just a desire to protect him from my friends - But for some reason I'm really upset, angry and confused. I think it's that she decided to play the guilt on me, as though I should apologise for having work to do and for wanting to be there when my guy is subjected to my friends. I found myself sitting at the table crying (Again - I do that alot. So shoot me. No, serriously.) and asking myself if I was really a bad person. I mean - I know I'm a bad person. But she can always make me feel so guilty, as though I'm not just a bad person - as though I'm wrong for thinking and feeling the way I do, as though I'm some sort of evil in the corner of her mind, the sole purpose of which to make her depressed and hate herself. And I think a part of me knows it's true. I'm no good, and destined to simply cause pain to everyone around me, make them all hate me and be mad at me. It sounds stupid, I know, but still... It also makes me feel like, somehow, nothing I want is valid. Because it has to be about her, or them, or whoever. If I try to do something for myself, it goes bad and Ledi tells me I made her all depressed or Zoe gets mad at me or something goes wrong. So I can't do that. I have to put them first, put other people's wants ahead of mine, or I'll lose them. That may be yet another reason I don't talk - I can't tell people what I want, right here and now. I don't know why, I just can't seem to do it. Perhaps it's because it scares me so much, because I'll make them mad at me, and I don't want that. Because when I want something, and I go for it, I'm made to feel guilty by somebody - if only myself half the time.

I can't really reconcile it in this post, like I usually can - Nor do I think I really explained exactly what I meant. Perhaps it's just frustration, and anger at myself. But keep me away from people or sharp objects, and no harm done, hey? I just wish I knew what was wrong with me, to make me keep doing this.

I swear, I'm not normally this bad. I'm sorry that you all had to read that - I just wanted to say it. but I don't feel drained like I usually do - Normally ranting makes me feel better. But I just feel worse, and somehow sick.

Washi is a bad person -_-

"A mad cow has been discovered in Canada."
~The Pannel
- posted by Washi @ 10:16 pm