Cities on Sand

Sometimes I find it dificult to justify my passive and spineless nature to people, especially my mother. Which is fair enough - that sort of thing should be impossible to justify. but I'll see where I go with this... After all, isn't my book all about remeniscing?

This post will gradually be added too, until my theorising and self-justification (I've already addmitted I'm pathetic, right? well, let's re-iterate. I'm really, REALLY pathetic.) is complete.

First and formost, I know how lucky I am. I don't deny this - I'm reminded of it almost every day. In a sence it makes me more inclined to frustration, as I KNOW I have no justification for the way I feel, and the fault is purely my own. Not a plesant feeling in itself, but it makes me upset that I'm all muddled ans stuff, when there's no reason for me to be. It's irritating to have nothing between you an near perfection except yourself and your own fucked-up mind - your imperfections, youf failings and your own disease.

But moving on. I, like a sizeable chink of children in todays society, had my 'no friends dork' phase. Mine was from about year 3 until I think year 5 (Mr. Oday's class. I'm sure Lauren returned that year), so luckilly I was quite young. I, of course, withdrew into myself and started reading, as most do in that siuation as it's either that or set fire to things in many cases. Recently, mum was near terrified that I was returning to thta state - But I already mentioned all this before. None of it is yet new, and so we will move on.

I remember in my youth, I was told to deliver a note to another teacher. This is usually the teachers way of getting a particularly troublesome student out of the room for an hour or two. In my case, however, it was a ploy to bully the other students. My school was very small, so the teachers could afford to notice when a student was acting strangely or being strangely reacted to. She asked the class if they coud possibly include me in their games, since I didn't seem to beplaying like the other kiddies ::chuckle::. I was informed later that the class just sort of loked at her, dumbfounded, before one eventually said "But... That's just Erin."

Three years of early childhood isolation tends to restrict social skills somewhat, as those of you who have experienced the same are probably aware. And I've no doubt my self-contained bubble would have become my own personal fortress of solitude had not a particularly vivacious kindegarden buddy of mine returned. But, again, I have related that story.

Now we move onto the 'friends' phase of my existence. My sphere of options could have best been described as limited - Especially before my graduating year. Most of my friends were the ones not in the high-and-mighty cliques, Which I'm sure you all know about :Þ I remember distinctly I had to hang out with Lauren and her frineds, Keiryn and Anita. Both hated me - or at least delighted in putting me down and teasing me, probably because I was a total doormat and didn't fight back. I think Freud would have blamed it on my mother, but then again... That would be Freud. But since Lauren was so insistant that I was her friend, they were my friends too, no matter what they did to me or made me do. Because, let's face it, I had no other options except myself, and at that time I wasn't willing to take the hermit's option again. When they graduated, out friendship-clique (any group of friends was a clique - there just wern't enough people to have a large group) got smaller and turned their bitchy impulses outwards. And as I've already discussed them too, I won't go into it. I didn't mind being the spare, because they tended to focus so much on each other that they were less inclined to joke around with me. And since I was even MORE of a cry-baby in my youth, that was probably a good thing.

Trust me, this is going somewhere - I'll move into more relevant times soon. Promise!

In retrospect, Belinda (One of the girls) was quite possibly one of the nicest people I've ever met. Linda herelf was okay, even if she only liked me for my cookies :Þ

Alright, moving on. Once I left primary school, I decided not to keep in contact with my primary school friends, since they'd all be going off to fancy private schools, and I was, after all, just white trash. Well I am ^_^;: In any case, I decided that since Zoe, who had been my best friend for years despite not actually going to the same school, was now going to be AT my school, I should at least have one fried to get me off the ground. And, as I had learnt from Lauren and the attache of friends that came with her, you only needed one to introduce you to half a dozen more. Lauren came back, of course, but Iduna is correct (to a degree) about her relationship with us. Although, I must admit, she and Zoe are very good friends - And Lauren is now at Uni as it is ^_^;; By the way, this particular blah is not written to defend myself against her, it's more of a "Yeah, I know already. And you're right, but that'd go against who I am." But that'll come a little later on my puppies, patience.

Unfortunantly, I re-assumed my position of spare only this time I assumed it with people with much faster tempers then Lauren and Sarah even had. We had the sort of falling out that 15 year old girls often seemd to have, and I was in danger of enforced solitude once more, rather then one of my choosing. In a much bigger school, with more people who were far more working-class then the snobs of my old school.

And now, perhaps, the actual explaining may begin.

The person I pissed off was a dangerous girl - I knew from the times I'd spent at her house that she was not only a highly skilled and very experienced fighter who could and probably would break my arms if I crossed her, she was vengefull and extemely agressive, as well as frequently stoned out of her brain. Solitude not advised unless in a highly public place where someone of authority was around, since they seemed to think it a game (The remaining three I mean - Zoe being one of them) to threaten me. As often happens, as I'm sure many of you well know.

The problem is, I do have something of a sense of loyalty towards anyone who calls themself my friend. Ledi gave me a place to go when they cast me out, and her friends were phenominally nicer to me then Zoe's group was. Less agressive and snobbish, more down to earth, less inclined to make me feel like dirt, more inclined to bitch about those that made them feel like dirt. This was one of the reasons I gave Michelle the nick-name 'Ledrene' - I felt as though she'd saved me from having to return to myself, who as you can probably tell I don't really like very much as far as company goes. Or most things for that matter. And she was a strong person I could respect - she was extemely inteligent and talented, she had a high artistic sensibility that I lacked, an excellent grasp of mathematics, a wider range of reading and a grater depth of musical knowledge. I could admire her for this. This, of course, didn't last very long as a series of illnesses cut her down, and as you can gather from my previous bloggs, things very quickly changed.

So why don't I skip out? Because I have a responsability. Those who call me friend have my loyalty and, to a degree, my love. As long as they wish to keep me, with them I will remain, no matter how they make me feel or what I imagine they inflict upon me - unles I'm physically in danger of harm, I have no reason to leave. And I have already broken my responsability - for being unable to help Ledi when the damage began to be done, for allowng myself to become her focus of negativity, for falling away and being unable to addapt to my oldest friends as they grew, and I remained the same - I have failed in what I am supposed to be. And so I must at least remain until I find it in myself to right where I have failed. And that, perhaps, is something to concider - what I write in here is filtered through my own perceptions. In all probability, none of it is real. Maybe it's just an extension of my own guilt or some sort of vengence, maybe it's all in my sick little mind, or maybe it really is real. I know that friendships almost inevitably go this way, but it doesn't seem like on the outside, so perhaps it's just me that's making them be this way. The blame is, as always and as it should be, entirely mine.

I know it isn't entirely my fault - that doesn't change the fact that it is, at least in part, my responsability. You are of course right Iduna - I do need to grow a spine, and perhaps some guts would be nice. But it feels as though to do so would go against every fiber of my nature. Perhaps, in time, I will be able to gain something in myself that will give me strength - be it a new circle of friends or something more inclined towards myself - I know it's what he tries to teach me. Old man eagle relies on no-body but himself, cares for no-one but himself and his - his mate and his brood. He sees things - he isn't blind and earth-bound like myself - like others, I know. I fear, however, I'm not a good student of his. Somewhere along my way, I've lost him - and perhaps I can try to regain him. Maybe that's my next task. Ah well, such is life hey? And as a wise collection of pixels once said - "It's like this train. It can't run anywhere except where it's tracks take it." Or words to that effect.

Wow, that was stupid. Okay, it's time for my lecture, so I've gotta head off. I know - "I'm the devil, listen to me bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch." Bitching is good for the soul though ^_^

"Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows."
~...Bill?
- posted by Washi @ 1:54 pm