Sudden Attack!

I gonna KILL something inna bit. I tried to blog before, but the bloddy thing decided not to send. It's pissing with rain and there's thunder rolling loudly overhead, as well as the ocacsional flash of lightning. Therefore my dog is going completely frikkin psycho. It's a pitty, because I really like the rain. If it has to be cold, I'd like for it to be wet as well.

Okay, so now, what was in my last blog... I said some stuff about mothers day, of course - Like how I need to call Nanna and should probably wish Jennefer a happy mothers day, as she's my step-mother, and that's a kind of mother too...

I smell like wet dog. So does my wet dog, come to think of it. At least she isn't barking at the thunder in here...

I ranted about my tarot cards for a bit. I decided to get in touch with them again, asked them a couple of questions (I have some more, but they can wait until I do some of my report). I got some nasty cards showing up, but thankfully they were all inverted, so not necesarrily any massive dramas.

Now, I became self absorbed and introverted, as is my want to do. I want to find my sense of fear and beat the living shit out of it. I've bitched about my over-active imagination and the fact that it's eternally dredging up images and ideas I'm afraid of. I can occasionally combat them by altering them (Usually turning them into some sort of deranged dream-massacre) or trying very, very, VERY hard to think about something else. Other times I just have to pray I hurry up and fall asleep. I know I make it sound like I live my life in constant terror, but don't - Just a large ammount of my nights and some of my days. Yes, feel free to give me the verbal bitch-slapping I know I so richly deserve for being such a little wuss.

Anyway, Why am I dredging this same old crap up again? Because having someone else in the room can sometimes help, and I've noticed sleeping with someone definitely helps. Except for a couple of nights ago. For some reason I started to feel afraid again. I didn't bring Bramwell with me either (Since I usually hug him when I get scared, and it makes me feel a little better. Yes, I still sleep with a teddy bear. I don't pretend to be mature or grown up in any way.) and I didn't want to impose myself upon the person I was sleeping with. Left nothing to hug ^_^;; I didn't sleep very well, but that may have just been because it was 'one of those nights' where no-one seemed to sleep very well. Something to do with the atmosphere. Anyway, doesn't change me wanting to commit a violence on an abstract personification.

I also discovered a trigger spot - The solar plexus. If there's soming against that (hand, pillow, whatever), you feel a little safer. Try it sometime.

There has been much pondering of a perculiar stage of my short and rather sad life. I was wondering if I had this same sense of fear then. I don't remember being afraid as much, but then again I was much younger - perhaps I just didn't know what to be afraid of. Or perhaps I was and I've just forgotten. I remember crying a lot more - although that's probably more crying a lot more in public. Now I can at least wait until there ain't no one else around. I'm still such a frikkin little cry-baby though. And although some people may worry about me being that way again (I'm not really one of them, but hey...), I doubt I will. I've gained the ability to talk in a croud and take charge if there are no other options. That alone isn't condusive to my reclusive and slef-contained former me. Although I am cutting back on my inner circle time, it's for the best by far. I see Zoe once a month and Ledi once, maybe twice a week. And that's plenty right now - Zoe's once a month because we have very little to actually talk about these days and Ledi's fine to be around provided she has something to occupy herself with. That isn't me, of course, because I don't like it when she decides to occupy herself with me. But when she's not bored or has something else to keep her mind on, she's fine. Lauren just exhausts me. But let's see how I go with her this wednesday.

Doesn't it, like, so mess with your mind thet they advertise pop-up eliminators in a pop-up window?

Dad wants to meet Liam. I'm sure he understands the statistical dificulties involved in making this happen however, so... I'll do what I can, I suppose. He's supposed to bedropping my Bro around tonight. Guess we'll see.

Okay, that's pretty much reconstructed now... Here's to the send.


"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."
~Samuel Butler
- posted by Washi @ 6:43 pm