Dallas Crane on the Radio and Two Mix Waiting at the Wings'

Wow. Blogger had an uber re-design. I wonder what it's done to my layout...

Okay, onwards! My weekend. Well, I was dropped off at Lauren's around six, and was one of the first people there. The first thing I did was have a shot of Vodka. I think that set the scene. I didn't really drink that much, as I appear to have lost all tolerance to alchohol I may once have had. One shot and I was tipsy, a Midori and Solo later and I was definitely drunk. A can of whisky and cola had me throwing up and sober for the rest of the night ::rolls eyes:: Which wasn't a bad thing, because I was dancing whenever possible in any case. Zoe turned on her 'party animal' mode, and Lauren continued to play out the soap-opera that is her life. Ledi sat inside because she doesn't like loud noises. She didn't show up untill around nine - Tod was trying to fox her compter. He crashed the night at her place and continued to fix it yesterday morning. That's the cool thing about Chris - he's willing to get up and dance. I missed out on the yellow submarine circle though, which was a bummer. And since I didn't have to asociate with the boring people, all went well (Except for ledi being upset with zoe and I because she'd been sitting inside crying for x ammount of time and no one had come to see her. I think zoe said it best when she said 'Well, I was outside'). Apparently, her mothers favorite song was playing and it upset her. Fair enough.

Anyway, a lot of dancing and talking and suchforth. Liam arrived about midnight, which was cool because I got to introduce him to Zoe and he danced with me and had cake. I gots to show off what a cool guy I gots ^_^ I hope he enjoyed himself. Zoe seemed surprised by him - he was older and better looking then she'd expected. I suppose that speaks volumes about me. I'm amazed Lauren even remembered, she'd been drinking so steadilly throughout the night. But she has a good tolerance for booze.

The next evening I walked over to Zoe's. Very scary, since I walked over at six and it was dark and imposing and phenominally industrial. I didn't want to ask Ledi for a lift thoguh - I find myself incerasingly reluctant to spend time with her. I know, bad washi. I asked her to bring my sleeping bag and pillow over, sicne I left it at her place last time I spent the night and haven't goten it back (I walked home, so I couldn't bring it home) and she sounded very reluctant about it, as though it might be dificult so - fair enough. I drank very little at Zoe's too - She had some home-made stuff that we drunk with cola and I bought some wine, so that was fairly good. We did tarot readings. Mine told me to stop reacting to things now as though nothing had changed, and that I had friends. It also told me that although I'd had troubles before, they were finished now and I had to realise that. And a lot of other stuff, it's all written down somewhere.

Lauren was depressed about some events that occured at her party - every so often she'd wail 'Zoe!' and fall against her. I probably shouldn't go into it though - suffice to say it involves a boy she really shouldn't be trying to get with and a guy who'se quite a bit older then her who she's now worried she's stuffed up with. A fairly constant drama in Lauren's life, and one that I have to admit, with my emorionally retarded nature and complete lack of desire to pursue anyone I like actively, I hardly understand. Ledi almost seemed offended by it, but I think she just resents the idea of anyone else having a reason to be depressed. She spent the night drawing dark and depressive pictures or writing self-abbusive psycho babble at the kitchen table. I knew exactly what she was doing - she does it all the time in public places. I think it's because she hopes that someone will read what she''s writing and try to do something about it - I used to be much the same with my crying, although I think a part of me really hoped that no one would come. I just wanted to go over thre and slap her. I was tired, so my thought patterns got progressively more violent from there.

I wanted to talk to Zoe and Lauren about the crying thing - at least one of them may have had something similar, so they might be able to give me some tips. And they're always having a go at me for not telling them things in any case. But I didn't want to do it while Ledi was there because, y'know, the whole resentment thing. But once she left we all went to bed and fell asleep.

Lauren left early the next day. She was asking me all night the night before if I was okay. I would have liked to say 'no, not really', but then I would have had to explain and that could have gotten messy. Lauren's cool to talk to though, when she's not talking herself. And when she is talking, it's less effort needed on my part. I told her I was thinking, and she accepted that without prying (for about an hour, before she asked again). Zoe asked me about Liam the next morning - she's met him now, so I suppose she can be honnestly curious. Things like when his birthday is (She was pleased to hear he was a Virgo. According to her, Virgos can communicate better with each other. I think the universe is trying to tell me something...) She also gave me a tip - communicate with him. She knows me too well methinks.

I know I don't communicate very well. I've often sat there, thinking to myself 'I have to tell him...' whatever it is that's on my mind. But I never do - or I just can't. Sometimes it's that there's never really an opening - I don't want to say anything out of the blue (much the way I am with my friends), but even when I have an opening, I back away. Like when Lauren asked me if I was alright - I think even if Ledi wern't there I would have struggled to speak. I don't know how to tell people what's wrong, even when I have a vague idea, because everything that comes out of my mought just sounds so... trivial. How do you tell a guy that you feel you need some sort of... proof your there? See how strange that sounds? Or that they quieten the voices - how do you explain it so that it doesn't sound trivial or abstract? I open my mouth to speak, and nothing comes out. Even things that aren't realy personal, just... something I'm unsure about, or when I'm afraid I'm asking too much and needing more then I have any right to. I know I'm rather high-maintainance - I need too much just to keep me feeling like I have any right to matter, and I doubt anything will quieten the voices that prey on my mind when I'm left alone. To try to explain the way I think is almost insurmountable, so I'll just back away and let it lie, even if someone asks me directly what's wrong, and I want to tell them something, if not the whole truth. I know it's not healthy - I'd like to be told when something's wrong with him, on the off chance that I can help in some way. It's always possible that other people want the same from me, and I know it's not fair that I can't give them that. But on the other hand, I know that they've got problems of their own. They don't want to hear about mine, not when their family is dying or they're being strangeld by their lives. Everyone's got problems, everyone feels that they're drowning, and people who think they're the only ones who feel that way are self-delusional. Who needs my hangups and inhibitions placed upon them? I know I've grown weary from dealing with Ledi's. That's why I used to bitch about superficial things to my friends - Jan, Alexandra, Manny - so at least I was trying to tell them some of the issues in my life. And they could say 'Man, that sucks' and give me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder, and it was all okay. I told them my problems, and they didn't have to think about them again. For a while, they were my only real problems, os there was really no dramas, so all was well and such forth.

I reemmber when I was younger I could never talk to my parents. Not about how I felt, because they'd always interupt me when I spoke - After all, I'm just a child, what do I know? And they'd always try to defend themselves, justify themselves as though it was what I thought and felt that was invalid. Older people tend to do that though, so I can't blame them. I could only talk to them properly by writing them letters. I would write down what I wanted to say to them as a letter and leave it on the table. The only problem with that was that they'd always come to me afterwards and want to talk, and it went the same as before - justification, nullification. I think that fades as you get older - mum started crying ebcause I couldn't tell her what was wrong with me, and I wonder if she would have tried to nullify it if I had been somehow able to?

Ugh, feel the teen angst. I know, how pathetic. But that's why I'm such an avid blog writer. I can express myself better in text, to an impassive or 'impersonal' audience then I can to a specific person. Maybe some people I know, even people to whoom things I've written apply, will read this blog but I try not to think about that and just write what I think and feel. So to speak, anyway. Besides, I don't write anything here I wouldn't want to tell them if they asked me about it. I've often said I'm free for all, more or less. Ask me a question, and I will answer it (Unless it's something really abstract like 'what's wrong?') if I'm able. Or I may not answer at all, because I don't want to lie and say 'nothing' or 'no' and nothing is easier then trying to explain it all.

Maybe I'm just lazy.


"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye."
~Samuel Grafton, speaking words so true as to make your ears twitch. Another lesson I should learn.


- posted by Washi @ 2:28 pm