Digital frustration

Mein got these chairs are uncomfortable...

This e-shop form is really pissing me off. No one else I've asked can tell me what I'm supposed to do, and it seems to me that everyone EXCEPT me has worked out some way to do it using Java script, and I'm clearly just not getting it. What irritates me is that nowhere in the tutorials that I can find is it listed how to do this.

My screen flickers when the guy next to me turns his screen on and off.

I get to see Liam tonight. I'm looking forwards to that, even if I end up with cartons and bottles thrown at me. I want a hug -_-. Gah, lame washi.

I've got Lauren's party tomorrow. I have yet to work out what I'll wear... probably asmuch as possible. But then again, I will be drinking Vodka, and that DOES tend to wam you up pretty well. I think it'll be fun - Lauren's nothing if not a good partyer. And Zoe fully intends to get drunk, so good on her. Ledi will most probably leave by midnight, which will probably mean that she'll be gone before Liam gets there, provided he's not too tired to turn up after Friday ^_^;

I'm hungry. I wonder if I can splurge on a chocolate bar or a bucket of ships or something...

I'd like to apologise for the message below. I know I should probably delete it, but I try not to delete posts once they've been made. This blog is part of the 'Free Too-Much-Information service - Subject: Washi' and deleting it is a little like erasing it. Besides, if it hapens again, I have my message to tell myself what I SHOULD be doing :Þ

Remeniscing time!

I remember when I was yong - not too young, since I'm almost positive it occured after my parent's devorce, My father took my brother and I to the markets to get mothers day presents for my mother. My brother and I both got her magnets that had things like 'best mum ever' embroydered on them, as young children get their mothrs. My brothers still sits on the fridge. Mine, does not. This is because I put the bag down somewhere along the way and neglected to pick it up again. By the time I realised my hands were empty when they shouldn't have been, we couldn't find it anywhere. My father looked for it, but he couldn't find it. I think he was upset or something, because I heard him say 'well that was a waste of money'.
So what does this have to do with anything? Walking through the living room one day, I noticed that mum had left the television on, and that Oprah was playing. for someone who bitches at me for putting the little heater on out in the rumpus room to keep warm, she sure uses a lot of electricity herself. In any case, some marriage councilor was going on about how all your problems can be related to your childhood. I'd long ago sat down and tried to work out exactly why I felt so uncomfortable with people buying me things (After I had a small argument with Nikk, who wanted to buy me a small Tigger toy as a gift while I tried to tell him that I didn't want him to). That was the incident that came up - not so much the losing of the magnet, but the being a waste of money part. I know now that, although my father wasn't doing too well at that stage, it was only two dollars. But then, two dollars was more money then I might see in a week. I felt so awful that I'd been a waste of something I knew was an important resource (How I knew I don't know - maybe my parent's used to argue about money or something). That's the first time I can remember being upset that someone had bought me something. That's why I always try to stop it if I can - because I NOW I'm not worth the money that could be better spent on themselves. And if it's something that I'm not sure I'm going to be able to use, such as the Tigger toy, it feels even worse - like I'm stealing from them perhaps. The episode reminded me of that, as well as reminding me of why I stopped writing. But the writing is more of a physical thing - the old 'I'm never playing cess again.' The byuing stuff thing is more of an issue. I can stand it on irthdays, because that's tradition and I know that people feel good to see their birthday gifts well recieved, even if they can't thingk of anytihing really useful to give you. It's okay to recieve pretty things on your birthday, or at christmas where an exchange can be made in the spirit of the comercialism (Or not in my case, since I tend to be broke and draw things for people for these events). But I feel ill when people give me gifts out of the blue. I mean, I know why they do - I know why do it. Because it makes me feel good to give something to someone I love, especially since I'm so bad with words so actions are the only ways I can find to at least try to tell them. But it feels wrong to me to take something from someone, even when it's given to me freely, because I feel like they shouldn't be giving me anything and I have no right to let them try. And I think the root of it is that I feel I'm not worth what they've put into it - not worth the sacrifice of something they can have for themselves, however small, on their part. I think I have money issues. ::chuckle:: I remember, in my youthful childish thoughts of suicide, I once ratonalised that I shouldn't off myself because then my parent's would have wasted all those resources they've put into me - and they'd have gotten nothing in return. Even though I know I'm not worth what they've put into me, I have to keep trying in the hopes that maybe, one day, I will be. It's also the reason why I try to eat every scrap of food thats given to me - I don't think I should have been given so much, but to throw it away would be somehow wrong. At least now I have a dog.
I think it can be worn down however - I tried so hard to convince mum not to ask dad to help pay for my text books next semester without actually defying her (She thinks it's wrong that Travis gets to go to Melborne with dad and gets his driving lessons paid for and I get nothing. Try telling her that I don't like football and I don't get driving lessons), but when mum offers me stuff I'm a little less reluctant to take it. It's because of mum's compulsive gift-giving thing (Which she, thankfully, doesn't do any more.) in which she, for no real reason, would buy me a magazine or a top she saw on special when she was out shopping. A part of that is that I wasn't there to stop the event, so now my task is to make it worth while to her. Make sure I read the magazines and wear the clothes, eat the candy - candy is a consistent favorite of hers. I often come home to discover a chocolate bar or liquorice strap waiting. Again, not in recent times as we're rather straped for cash these days. I think a part of that is not feeling so bad about getting the sweets for herself. Still, I'd rather that she did. Then I might ask for one, or I might decide it better not to. So I've been worked on in that respect to help remove this... unfortunant character glitch.

I think it may have been a part of why I was crying last night - I know I felt guilty and afraid (wow, washi was scared - what a frikkin surprise), and I was tring to work it down to just one or two reasons, and for some reason I thought of that. Which didn't help me stop of course, because I'm an idiot. But I felt a lot of other things I can't actually isolate, so it may just have been a flod of the wrong chemicals. Most likely.

I really wish I could write snideness into one of these posts. Anyway, I feel a little bit better now - The emptiness in the pit of my stomach is actually just hunger ^_^ And although I nearly started up again on the bus (GAH!! Stop thinking damnit bitch!!) I believe I will be okay for tonight! Go me -_-

Anyway, gonna head off to get food.


"Hot Space Station Justice!"

(This post was inflicted with the BIG POST ERROR of all things)
- posted by Washi @ 2:44 pm