Imbolic and the Dolly

First week back at Uni is over. We;ll see how I do. I keep spelling 'idea' with a capital I. I'm not sure why...

Anyway, the past few days... We'll start with thursday onwards?

I indicated to my GM that he had well and truely cheesed my character. The bard's rign was a nice gift, the gloves were just evil evil fungus. I feel so twinkish.

On a similar front, Liam's willing to teach me how to use the Exalted system. Which I'd like, but I seem to be having this horrible, stupid glitch lately - I find myself just sitting there thinking 'Oh my god, I'm so tired of all the angst. Please make it all go away...'.

I did my first 'crying in a public bathroom' on Thursday too. Just like in the movies! God I suck... And I'm too easily affected by what I see/read/hear - I've come up with a theory. I'm phenominally self-centered. I seem to have this overwhalming desire to... I'm not sure if it's to make everything about me or to take everything personally. There are so many things I just can't read or watch any more because they hurt too much. It's like I can't find enough to be angstfull about on my own, I have to borrow it from fucken everywhere. Normally it's to do with rape - I hear the word and it's like being stabbed in the stomac. It felt like I stopped for a moment just writing the word. Any sort of sexual exploitation (mostly of women I notice - I think it's got something to do with my gender and that I take a slight against women as one against me) these days is enough to make me drop everything and start blubbering. I'm getting worse, and it's quite pathetic. And I'm not sure why, but I think it's the affore mentioned self-centeredness. I know it has nothing to do with me, but I feel violated every time it's mentioned - Like someone's stuck one hand into my chest and started squeezing whatever they can find in there - from my heart to my stomach- and the other hand is wrapped firmly around my neck. And I don't know why it hurts so much. It's strange and stupid I don't understand it. I'll be sitting watchig a movie - whch no more then a year ago I would probably haev thought was wildly funny, and all it will do is upset me. And I'm sick of it - It's not just hurting me. Liam pickes up that something's wring, but I dont' know how to vocalise how or why I'm hurting, and it upsets him and it isn't fair to him. But I can't seem to make it stop, whch is ridiculous because I remember a time when Emotion was a dirty word that I never had to hear. I don't know why it bothers me so much though - Other people seem to have far less problems with it. Is it just that I'm oversensitive? I used to hate sitting with the group at high-school, because there would be so many conflicting feelings going around, and so many bad vibes that I'd just feel sick. I'd say I was just too empathetic for my own good - or was that pathetic? But the gist was that if one og my friends was depressed, I was depressed. And don't like being depressed. So I'd try to fix it.

Anyway, it hurts and I want it to stop. I just want it to go away. So why am I telling you all? You don't care - you probably agree with me - it's absolutely ridiculous to react so badly to even the slightest implication of these things. Well wait, it gets worse. It may not just be the abuse - It seems even hearing/seeing/reading the good things make me feel this way sometimes. I react so badly and with such unnecesarry force that I'm not entirely certain what's wrong with me. It's like I have an aversion to everything about it except the thing itself. Maybe I'm just afraid - One doctor had the theory that my occasional heart palpatations were bought on by adrenalin. I've had almost no attacks recently, but I've felt this continuous build-up of fear and distress over media sexuality that it may be my body compensating for it's imbalance. Or it may be some psychological thing that I've blocked and have decided not to deal with. Personally, given what it's causing, I don't want to deal with it. Anyway, that's just something that's been affecting me recently, and hopefully this will make it go away. Or somesuch.

Anyway, back to what I was ACTUALLY telling you about - gamed on the thursday and the friday. Got to meet Ri-chan in the club early both days because tutorials haven't started yet.

He stayed over friday night, which was cool. On saturday the circle came over for Imboloc, whch i was hosting this year. We didn't get around to recyting much poetry, but we got to talk. Michelle started talking about how she was gonna try living away from home for the holidays with Todd, which in my opinion is a phenominally bad idea but hey, it's her life - and his. Let them do what they want to frekin' do. Gah. But she started talking about how her father was never home, how he was up at lower light all the time and went to sleep the moment he got back, as well as waking up and leaving before she got up and she never saw her. Talking about how much she hated her home life and how she was all alone. And Zoe told her exactly what she thought. I wanted to give her a hug - Ledi listens to Zoe. She thigks I'm out to get her. Aparently, she thinks Liam hates her - she asked me if he did today. I just brushed it off and said he didn't know her. But that's not important I guess - she is alowd to think what she wants. But Zoe told her that she had to do something about it - not just sob and complain about it. She also pointed out that moving out wouldn't help because it was her relationship with her father that was the problem, which I've told her before, as has my mother. And Zoe told her exactly what to start doing about it, much to Ledi's repeated protesting. I think she likes to be the victim, or has a need to be the one who'se being picked on, the one for whoom life has been unfairly hard. I know a lot of people like that - I find myself desiring that exact same thing. But I know, at the center of myself, that that is very untrue. I have no justification for the way I feel, and that makes it invalid. Which hurts more in a way, because knowing that you're feelings are not only ridiculous and have no basis on anything in your life (To your knowledge), but are invalid because you caused them yourself, and bought it upon yourself. No real world cause. Makes it worse and that much more ridiculous. so I think she tries to stay in a place that feeds her depression. But I think her relationship with her father could do with some working on, but the only people who can deal with that are them. Once she works out what to say to him.

Now, my dear puppies, I command you all to laugh at me! Ha! Ha!

We went outside and Molly skitzed out over Zoe. But as we were walking down to the rumpus room to get the CD player, she asked "Has she been like that a lot lately" And, thinking she was talking about molly, I said "Yeah, for a while now. She's gotten all clingy." Zoe just looked at me and said "I'm talking about Michelle." I more or less repeated it, just dropping the clingie part ^_^;; It was rather funny at the time.

In any case, Zoe was symathetic, Ledi tried to tell RP stories and I stopped her where I could, knowing that Zoe was not only mad at Todd at that moment but really didn't care about Roleplay. She's only beein in one game book run by me, which she enjoyed. I think she'd despise being in one of the games I'm in - she's too practical for it. But to each their own hey ^_^? Watching them with the Tarot made me nausious - but again, to each their own.

They left a few hours ago. I watched a program on hacking and one on deadly creatures. And that's the past three days of my life for you. With a lot of useless crap in between.

I know, teen angst (KILL!!). Feel dirty... Need a shower...

and your inner dragon is a ....
Copper Dragon
In the war between good and evil, Copper Dragons take the side of the noble and good.
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos.
As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Copper Dragon as breathe from it's body.
During combat situations, whether by spells or by claw, your inner dragon will do whatever it takes to get the job done.

Dragon Description:
Copper Dragons make their homes on wooded hillsides, preferably close to a spring or river. They are fond of the Irish and typically speak with a soft Irish accent.

At birth, the Copper Dragon's body is covered in semi-reflective copper scales. As the dragon matures into it's young adult stages these scales become more polished and highly reflective.

As the dragon grows older and moves to the elder stages of life, it's scales begin to tarnish and mature into a bright greenish brown color. Copper dragons spend little time among humans, but can be often found among the elves and other magical folk.

This Dragons favorite elements are: Copper, Emeralds, and Laughter

Go get your inner dragon

"A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese"
- posted by Washi @ 10:14 pm