Ho! Roostalion!
A very quick blog, as I have to be in a CCCT tute in about... 25 minutes, and it takes me over an hour to formulate a good, coherent blog post on the best of days. Puppy not too bright these days, ne?

In any case, despite lacking the internet, I've had a chance to go to some journals I usually go to (But are not linked from here, as I cannot see these people wanting to be associated with me or my blog in any way, as well as some that are.) And first off, allow me to say I want to give Dani a big hug right about know. I know it sucks - and I doubt it would help her any if I told her it was just the pains of the teenage years. The song may say 'the pains of seventeens aaren't real, they're only dreams' but they seem pretty damned real when you're living them, thankyou very much. I really hope things work out for her. She's a good kid, bright, and more importntly then any of that crap, alive.

Now, onto the body of the post. I never really understood what it was in the human condition that made people so strongly desire to 'be with someone'. I suspected, and still do suspect, that it has something to do with an inate sence of survival that causes us all, especially us females, to seak out a permament mate and the percieved security and solidarity that will give us. But it seems to make people incapable of being content to be without. I know, at the begining of this year, I was very content to be without a boyfriend - Indeed, I didn't really think I would get one, as I've not been actively sarching and, in many cases, went out of my way to avoid situations where I might be aproached as a potential trophey to some young buck wanting to try his luck with that piece of flesh. Dating, to me, has always seemed more of a systematic run of grading yourself down for some man or other in the hopes that, eventually, you'll hit one that is capable of caring about you the way you wish to be cared about, or that you are capable of caring about enough to make you put up with all the crap that automatically comes with any sort of relationship.

Yes, I was cynical at best. But I also understood the nature of the Teenage male society, and what a young man searching for his place in the society may have to go through or figure out. I was also very aware that some guys just didn't care and saw girls as some sort of toy to go after. And, of course, some girls saw themselves as a toy to go after. I don't think they could be saved.

So, the point I'm trying to get at here? Even as against dating as I was, I still sometimes found myself playing the trialing game - You know, you talk to each other once or twice, you play the games with questions (Almost virtual sex, especially among virgins), meeting in a neutral third place - But I always remained, if not cold with my responses, then not the blatant, blazing bonfire beacon that most young men, wraped up in their own worries about the whole situation, are able to detect. As a result, I remained hapilly single and endured the occasional embarrasing comment thrown my way.

The main point here is, I was not looking, had convinced myself (And was possibly accurate) that I didn't need one and, after getting over the disapointment I felt at discovering I was not a lesbian (Thankfully, my friends understood and could accept me for who I was), I was asked out. Women always say that - when someone says 'No, I'm quite happy with my life right now actually - I'm not really looking for a guy' they'll squeal as one with delight and say 'That's the time it usually happens!' as though it were the ideal. I do not believe it is - but I am very, very grateful to have been found, as that's the only way to put it - I certainly wasn't looking for anyone.

And I come to a point where I can see the drive some girls have to find that other person - Someone who makes them feel loved, attractive, important, wanted... But it saddens me that not even I could find that in myself alone. That I need someone else to help me feel that way, or my own sense of doubt will eat away at me. The constant need for a partner is a constant need for validation - the assurance of that. But people don't always get it, and they become confused, hurd, dejected... messed up as a box of yarn with a dozen kittens in it. I am grateful for what I have, and I want to keep it alive and healthy by giving back as good as I get. I just hope there are enough decent guys out there for all the decent girls out there - Sometimes, it doesn't feel like it.

But that just serves to make me all the more grateful.

No quote - Gotta rush off to class now. Enjoy, ne?
- posted by Washi @ 2:10 pm