Ant Music
Right now, to say that I deserve to be repeatedly hit over the head with a padded bat would... be pretty fair. I have so much to do, and I've done... so much nothing.

I've gone through all but two of my books for my essay, and I've yet to watch my video (I'll have to do that tomorrow, no two-ways about it. It's due back tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow, it's my brother's birthday. I don't have anything for him. Some sister huh?

I've still not done anything to my mask, which I intended to get the skeliton of some time over the holidays. Cross that off the list. I've not yet worked out how to fix my 4th Java practical. That's something I really, really have to do by the end of this week. I haven't got a prayer in hell. I also have to do six (Count them - six) more storybord plans for my Graphic Design for Multimedia course. But this essay's been taking up so much time - as has my merciless procrastination. This is one heck of a time to decide to be emotional.

Ah yes, that... Sure, I may as well. This is a pre-typed bloggie after all. More procrastination to ye.

I've been feeling - and acting - a little odd. For a while now, I think. It seems that just as sometihng is resolved, I find something else to stretch myself thin over. It's served to remind me of a few things, if nothing else. And I'm so frekin tired right now, I think I may just try to explain it.

Now, I know I'm probably not emotionally the most well equiped chickedee in the world. I don't know anyone who is. I am poison to myself and others. I treat people badly, and then feel bad because of it. Which is a good thing, but the poison it produces just grows. And small imagined slights feed that poison, untill it doesn't just rot me, it rots those around me. And now isn't the time to be making my mother cry, yes? But in any case...

Over the past... almost a month, I'd say... Possibly it was more, but I'm sure there was a break in it around a month ago, so I'll start counting from there... I've felt... odd. It's the only way I can think of to describe it. It's like a pain, or a force that occasionally just stalks up behind me and swallows me, forcing me down to the floor with tears. It's just thought though, and not even valid or true... I'm not sure what's going on. But I can work backwards here.

On friday I was at the club, as per usual, after spending the night at Ri-chan's. I felt rather sore and stiff, and also a little run-down from all the work I've been not doing -_-, and the lack of sleep I got the night before (Which wasn't as bad as all that really, but I seem to have trouble sleeping at Ri-chan's place sometimes. Okay, let me rephrase that - in the same bed as. I sort of sporadically wake up to check on him and see if I can sneak in closer, which isn't good for my sleep paterns. Anyway...) And, as usually happens, I left with the crew from Ri-chan's game to get dinner at the markets. However, I was moving a great deal slower then they were - normally I'd either be able to keep up or Jemisard would hang back a bit or something, but since Jemi was ill I was taking her order for her. And I wandered behind them for a moment and honnestly began wondering exactly why I was following them. I certainly didn't belong there - I wasn't part of the group, and I no longer sat in on the games so I wasn't even an inanimate bystander. It was the sudden realisation that really, I didn't belong there and had no business being there. But then Ri-chan came back to walk with me, despite the fact that I was going so slowly. It was frustrating - I was very close to just ducking into a doorway and crying it out. But, again, Ri-chan was there. It made me feel horribly guilty when I knew I should let him talk to his friends, because they were trying to cut down on pre-game talk-time. And when I get guilty, I start to get depressed. It was a shame, because I'd just (Or so I thought) gotten over the previous 'I don't know what to feel' chain of events by achieveing a small success, which was now neatly leapet over by the combination of aches, fatigue, guilt and my own stupidity. So we droped out of the march early and sat down, and we talked for a while.

I didn't realise I scared him so badly. I knew I woried him, and while I wanted to alay those fears, that he realised all was not normal was a small comfort, and I know many girls would agree a rare and valuable trait. And he'd mentioned such before - that he worried when I withdrew, because it was pulling away from him. But he looked so scared and sad, and it doubled the guilt. But I suppose it's the same thing. I know I never want to leave him, no matter how confused or hurt or scared I get. But he doesn't know that - not for certain. Just like I don't know for certain.

I love him. I love him so much that it scares me - because I decided, when I decided that I loved him, that I'd give him everything I could. Anything he asked for, as though somehow that could weave a spell over him and keep his love. And he has everything. But that leaves me vunerable and unprotected, so that even the smallext splinter can burry it's way into my lungs. And I need more then he is capable of giving, so I'm going to get hurt. Small things come up, and combine with other small things to produce a cumulous mass of a large thing that, in actuality, means nothing. But since I don't know how to vocalise what I want, and probably wouldn't if I could, that's my own frekin' fault. A word said here, or a lack of words, manipulation there - It all coagulates into a series of small boats floating in my veins and getting backed up as they enter the heart. And they always seem to find the way there...

But I know I poison others as much as I poison myself. I remember, the last time I tried, that it was part of the reason I fled. I knew the poison in me would consume him, as it drowned me. So I ran. But I don't want to this time - because the thoughth of being without him is a large, sharp sword rather then just a tiny splinter. It's because I love him that I feel this way.

I don't think I'll go into that any further. There are other things to discuss. Like frogs. Frogs are nice. They're cute, and they go 'croak' and there usually not slimy at all. Toads are sort of lumpy, but you can't hold that against them.

In any case, I think that will do for now. I go back to uni on Tues. W00t. Later.


"Satan is the best friend the church has ever had, as he has kept it in business all these years."
~ Rule nine of Satanism.
- posted by Washi @ 1:24 am