The following post contains a lot of swearing and telling myself off for being a moron. Skip over it - you don't have to hear about it.
Cogratulate me, the fucktard has managed to mess up again.

I don't know how I manage to keep doing these things. I just don't think! You'd think at some point in my fucking existence I'd remember 'Oh yeah, think before you do shit, bitch, it might work out better that way hey?' but do I? No, I never do. And then I end up in shit or doing something that'll just screw me over because I JUST DON'T FUCKING THINK!!! And I keep messing up and messing up - until I'm surrounded by so much damn debris that I gotta wonder what the fuck I even think I'm doing here?

But these things never occur to me before. I see the words, occasionally even hear them, I have my bloody face shoved in it and I STILL don't see it. I don't get it in the slightest. What the fuck is wrong with me? It's so simple, everyone else can manage it - why the fuck can't I? No one else around here can manage to be so incompetent. I don't belong here - sure, I can do the complicated shit just fine, given time. But the simple things, the simplest bloody things... I don't even know I'm doing them wrong until someone gives me a funny look or starts yelling or actually informes me 'Oh, by the way, you can't do it this way because...'

I wish I could say this was just one aspect of my existence that got fucked up every time I tried to do something. But it occurs everywhere, from tasks as simple as 'talking without sounding like a fucking moron' to tasks as clearly complicated as 'get everything done'. I miss something that should be there, I add things that shouldn't, I miss the point completely, I'm not even on the same planet - and I'm fucking sick of it. I'm sick and tired of being stupid, I'm tired of fucking everything up, and I'm fucking sick of being so on edge half the time. But most of all, I'm sick of caring so much about it. I just want it to stop.

But the most iritating thing? The thing that makes me want to tear my scalp off and tear out my stomach (Not to mention be extremely precise in the exact body parts that I desire removed rom this equation)? That I'm always so fuckin' surprised when it happens... again. What exactly do I think I'm doing I wonder? What the hell was going through my mind that made me think that it would suddenly change?


God damn I'm a dimwit.

Rant out.
- posted by Washi @ 6:06 pm