Maybe it's Just Hormones, Yes?
This is your warning. Do not read unless you love angst and missery. That is all.

This isn't a good time to Blog. But I'm going to do it anyway. I feel... Awful. Thoroughly awful, from my throat right down to my base. Like everything inside me is being constricted and ripped, and I have to get it out of me right now or it will poison me. Okay, be patient with me here - I've not had to vocalise this feeling for ages. But I know you all know it - you've all felt it. Because we're all told that everyone does, and being all of the same species it would be ridiculous to assume that to be false. My throat is tight and heavy. My heart is too loud, too fast and sore, like it's been hit and bruised. My plexus feels diseased, like it's black on the inside, and it's spinning around and around. And most of my lower insides feel like they're being ripped out through the floor, but that's due to something mostly unrelated to the rest. Yes, I'm what's typically called 'Emotional'. I'm pretty sure it's mostly the fear emotional, which is a fairly constant thing. And given the way my heart suddenly picked up there, I think I'm right. But there's other stuff too, and I can't isolate it.

I've never been much good with that sort of thing.

The problem is, there's no real reason for it. I mean... okay, I think I know what set it off. But it was so small, so insignifigant. And no one else seems as bothered by it as I am. So why only me? Clearly the issue is with me because, while it is conceivable, and in my oppinion likely, that the rest of the world is wrong... I don't believe that to be the case. At least - the world is wrong, but I am wrong in the violence of my reaction.

Such a small thing, and it leaves me again in this ridiculous state. And I won't be able to sleep tonight without forcing myself to think of something else, so someone is going to get hurt. Likely Raid, since he's been playing the part of my distraction. He's a nice escape.

But I can't make the world around me tread on eggshells, watch their tone... and it doesn't qattack me so bad all of the time. Only with women. I guess it's because I have no way to distance myself from them. If I could find it... then I would be colder, but healthier.

I just don't understand why it affects me so badly. There's no reason for it. I've said before, there's no reason for this and it, again, stands beyond my comprehension. I just don't get it, no matter how I look at it. Or from what angle.

I suppose I should go to sleep soon. My boy is streached out on the bed next to me. He will fall asleep. He'll say he's just resting, like I'll say I'm just escaping briefly, but it ammounts to the same thing.

Sorry to be all... that. I know its stupid, but I guess I am too. I hate when people tell me these things, because I always feel that they're asking me for help. And I can't help them. I can't do that because it hurts me to do so, and I can't rationalise or solve the problem. I lack the emotional structure to lend them any support. And I don't like making people feel that way, oddly enough. So that's it. The writing itself is more theraputic then anything any human creature itself could do in any case.

Sorry.



"Light my path show me
The way filter everything
I say try to forgive try
To forget why do I do what
I regret? my flesh nature
Won’t abide it’s ripping
Me apart inside Jesus
Pulls me back together
My soul will be with him
Forever can’t get away
From bitterness can’t
Seem to lose my
Selfishness my faith in father
God cause I am
Weak and he is strong!"

~ Weak, MXPX

- posted by Washi @ 1:20 am