It's 5am.
I suppose I should go to bed. But it's 5am. I'm only fucking up my sleep pattern more. And more then that, I dont' want to go to bed. For some very silly, strange reasons that I would like to think will seem less valid tomorrow, but more then likely will seem just as valid and make me feel even more messed up then I do right now. Although mostly I think it's me being purely malicious. I feel very much like I need to hurt someone now. And I'll regret it later, I know that, because I don't LIKE hurting people. I feel guilty. But I feel really, really malicious at this moment, and I just can't face the bed. Something inside me is stopping me from going there. I'd sleep down here, but I'd be woken up again in a few hours. I could sleep upstairs somewhere else, but again - I know it's just me being malicious. I shouldnt' sleep anywhere else. I just can't go up there right now, for the supremely stupid reason of he's already been there for an hour. So I'm gonna sit here and procrastinate.

I can't stand to be touched at the moment. My jumper is too much contact. I'd take it off, but I'd be cold.

I drew today. Nothing I was meant to draw really - mostly just crap. Lots and lots of crap. I drew something I didn't mind, but it had to be scrapped because it was horifically inacurate. That didn't make me feel good - actually munted me up pretty badly, because the next thing I tried didn't work in the slightest. So it will have to be scrapped, and I guess I'll try again. Except knowing me each subsequent attempt will get progressively worse and in turn mess me up just that little bit more. My sense of worth is far too closely tied in with my ability to draw - when I feel I've lost one, I've lost the other. Simple. Which is stupid, because it's not as though I'm some awesome artist. I'm not hopeless, but I sure as hell ain't great. But then I'm a kinda stupid gal, no?

I am worthy because I have something to offer.

Lovely. The flickering lights of the computer chases away tiredness. A little.

-_- What the hell is wrong with me? I'm terrified at the thought of going upstairs and sleeping in that bed. No, terrified isn't the right word... but I can't face it. I'm getting stressed out for such a fucking stupid reason! Maybe it's just too late. I've been awake too long, and I've been emotional and stressed all day. I'm not sure how I should be at the moment. Except I didn't get up untill 1 this morning anyway, so I've only been up for a total of 15 hours. That's hardly anything - it's not even the 16 hours awake we're supposed to have in that joke of an 8 hour day. So it's not that I've ben up too long. I wish I had tallons. That's a constant dream of mine - I'd love claws.

I need to break something.
Look, that's enough. There's just gonna be piles and piles of the same mixed in. only with increasing numbers of swearwords. Shit!Damn!Fuck!Crap!Ho. Yo mamma sleeps with fishes, and yo fadda be teachin Chopper to tango. Or somesuch.

Please note: not bitching for the sake of it. I'm clarifying my thoughts. It's supposed to be good for you. Why the fuck are YOU reading this anyway? Can we say pages and pages of whining?

Well, that killed half an hour.
- posted by Washi @ 3:57 am