When You're Done, Will Life Get Back To You?
Sometimes, I think that there really must be a time for everything. Late April to early May has been a kind of drawn out stab at the heart of nostalgia. I've been encountering people and names that I've not encountered for years now. Well, two to three years in most cases. No names will be mentioned, of course, but people dear to me from many phases of my life, people I admired that I got the chance to associate with, and people I miss dearly.

I know it's been months since I've been here. In truth, Uni has kept me very busy, so that what little social life I have is strained and mostly centered around RP, which is a really sad state of affairs. I don't want the bulk of my interactions with other people to be through someone else. And yes, while I am aware that I could bloody well pick up the phone and call someone (lazy bum that I am), I'm extremely bad at phones. I may be kind of scared of them, which ranks pretty high up on the irrational fears list, right behind any type of vegetable, furniture and nitrogen. Imagine having an irrational fear of dining tables. Makes everything else seem tame really.

But it leaves one wondering 'why now? Why, when I have no time and no way to catch up with these people and try to restore some sort of friendship, which I do want, do I suddenly hear them all again?' It's a touch distressing, remembering the way things were back when I interacted properly with them.

Okay, so things weren't always great. Thinking back, I can remember a whole tone of not great stuff. Because not great is always assesed by weight. But looking at my life now there's a tone of not great stuff smack down here too. Always centered around people of course - perhaps people just can't get along for any length of time. Small things and they turn on each other like rabid weasels attempting to eat everyone else first. And I know it's just me missing the point, or at least large portions of events, but it seems to happen so often. And it scares me. More then anything else. Because I know how easy it would be to become a target - I've been burned, and I know I harp on about it, but it's one of the most important lessons that life ever bothered to tell me. Even if you do nothing wrong, even if you do everything right, and even if you really try- if people decide to turn on you, they will do so. Viciously, maliciously, without care and without sympathy - And there isn't a damn thing you can do about it. And I've never been good at taking abuse with grace, and I don't have it in me to be angry or vengeful back. It just looks so pathetic and floundering when you try to fight back - it's impossible, it never works, because the attackers are without sympathy, in a group, and full of the fire of their own self certainty. They are in the right. You are in the wrong. Even if you explan that NEITHER of you are right, or BOTH of you are right, there is no middle ground. And perhaps if I were stronger that thought wouldn't distress me as much.

It's stupid to think of it, after all these years. But I've never been good at overcoming my past.

Wow, that was a drag down. Best climb out of the pit here. I'm not exactly healthy, but I'm not discernably unhealthy, I can't type to save my life, and I walked a lot today. There isn't a lot to complain about.

I'm trying to imagine a world built on dreams and infected with nightmares. I should stop scribling people for a while and work on it. It'd be better, I think.

Later, puppies. Be the love genereration, hey?
- posted by Washi @ 2:23 am